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Question from the reader:
Hi Auntie Gigi,
I am a girl who likes girls. It's that situation when you meet someone you are really compatible with. You two just get along. And from your point of view, they like you as well. Yet, no one makes a move.
Nothing ever happens. Maybe just some drunken pecks or some sober, but super unnecessary pecks. Intense ones. But nothing more than that. After a few years, you might even discover the attraction was mutual. And I can't stop wondering: Why?
Why does this happen? And by desire I don't mean sexually. It's not about that.
Personally, when I really like someone, I never dare to pursue a romantic relationship with them. I freeze. I'm so careful that I can turn into a totally asexual person. When in reality, with other people, I'm extremely upfront, sexual and I always go for it.
Maybe deep down I just know all those silly things we did together didn't mean much for the other person so I just don't go for it. But I keep wondering if maybe they were as afraid as I was and we missed out on an experience we were both digging.
What's your two cents?
Thanks for reaching out. I'd love to chat about this.
First off, I want to say I'm not a lesbian, so I had to ask for advice from my sister, who is a lesbian, for this one. She told me that one of the biggest challenges she has faced is knowing whether or not a girl is going to be interested because she's not sure if the girl is totally gay, just bisexual or simply experimenting.
She says she used to fear that if she confessed her romantic feelings for another girl, the girl would turn her down and be freaked out because she wasn't gay. I don't know if this factors in for you, but it seems to be pretty fitting. At the very least, it is likely a factor in your choice not to act on romantic feelings for someone.
You say you often go after people when it's all about sex and have no problem pursuing them when that is the ultimate goal. You also say when you have a romantic interest that isn't completely based in the sexual aspects of the attraction, you don't pursue it.
Let's decode why this is happening.
What it really boils down to is confidence and the relationship you have with yourself. When it's a sexual relationship and you're at no risk of getting your heart broken, pursuing what you want is easy. You don't have any emotional investment in the relationship, so you're basically like, "Screw it, let's do this."
If it doesn't work out and this girl isn't into having sex with you, it doesn't matter because you didn't really care that much about it anyway.
So, why is it different when you're interested in someone romantically?
Firstly, you now have this emotional connection. There are stakes. You have something to lose. It's much easier to just pretend it isn't happening, not make a move and let things fizzle out instead of taking an actual risk.
When you have a romantic connection with someone, you don't want to be the first one to put your heart on the line and possibly get rejected. It's a shitty situation because when both parties aren't sure what to do and refuse to make a move, you wind up with nothing.
Secondly, your situation is even more complicated because you're a woman who is interested in other women. It's trickier because the rules you're playing are different.
When it's a straight relationship, girls aren't expected to make the first move. I personally think they should and not wait around for a guy to do it, but that's not the point. The point is, women are socially conditioned to be pursued and not pursue.
So, if you're two girls who are told not to pursue, you're in a bit of a hairy situation, you know what I mean?
My advice would be to just go for it. I know this sounds like pretty basic advice, but it's honestly the only cure. Will there be rejection? There might be. At least a couple of times.
You have to remember: Rejection is a part of finding love. Everyone goes through it. No one is immune to heartbreak.
If you don't go for something, you will always ask yourself, "What if?" and that is a lot harder to deal with than a outright "no" because at least you know where you stand.
If you want to know if someone is interested in you, just ask. If they aren't or if they aren't gay, that's awkward, but you'll actually be surprised how quickly you bounce back from stuff like that. Once you have a thick skin in dating, you can do pretty much anything.
I would hate for you to miss out on something great just because you were afraid.
I hope this helps.
Yours in lust, XOXO Auntie Gigi
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