Ask Auntie Gigi: I Can't Get Off With My Boyfriend, So I'm Cheating
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Question from the reader:
I love my boyfriend, but I can't get off during sex with him and we've have tried it all. I need more girth.
I keep going back to an ex for sex to be satisfied. Life is complicated as a single mom, my ex doesn't want the complications and my kids never liked him anyway. They like my current boyfriend. I feel horrible for both me and my boyfriend. Any advice??
Thanks for reaching out. Let me see if I can offer some insight into this. Do keep in mind that while I totally empathize with the whole single mom thing, I myself am not a single mom, so my advice is ultimately coming from a woman without children. That being said, I do have several single mom friends and relatives, so I do appreciate your struggle. You're the real MVP for raising those kiddies.
Anyway, this is a very complicated situation. I'm going to start by giving you my insight into the first problem: Your boyfriend who is not satisfying you in the bedroom because he doesn't have the girth.
A simple "fix:" Try doggy style with your chest flat to the bed, this helps keep penetration shallow which can feel more satisfying with a smaller penis. I'd also try putting your legs over his shoulders during missionary. This could help, too.
Bring a vibrator into the bedroom. Any clitoral action will give you the lift you need, but I get what you mean by needing a girth-y dick. Sometimes you just need a big dick. I know how you feel.
Now, I get you've said you've tried it all already. That makes me wonder if this relationship is worth it. You have to ask yourself, "Am I happy?"
My guess, R, is no. You're not happy where it really counts: in your heart.
Normally, I would tell you to exhaust all options. But the thing is, you already have. And this brings me to my next point: You don't really love your boyfriend because you simply cannot cheat on someone you love.
I know this sounds really harsh, but I don't mean it that way. It's the truth. I wrote an in-depth article about cheating that you may find enlightening. You can check it out here.
Sex is really important to intimacy. And if you've tried everything there is to try and still feel unhappy between the sheets, I don't see the relationship ever working out. Bad sex really can poison happiness. Sure, there are sexless couples who are happy, but this is a rarity. We women are sexual creatures and desire pleasure. I feel you there, girl.
So, why do you keep going back to the ex? It's actually very simple: Meeting new guys as a single mother is difficult, you're in a relationship and the ex is already there. It makes sense that you'd go back to him, seeking the same sexual satisfaction you know he can provide.
But that doesn't make it healthy or OK. An ex is an ex for a reason. Good sex is important in a healthy relationship, of course, but sex alone does not a good relationship make. Clearly, you're acting out, attempting to fill a void that your current relationship doesn't fill.
It blows majorly to have two men in your life who provide two different things, but neither of them can really measure up to what you need. That is a tragedy for the ages, girl.
I'd like to talk about your kids, as well. You say, "Life is complicated as a single mom, the ex doesn't want the complications and my kids never liked him anyway." Which has me wondering if you're staying with this current boyfriend because of the impact breaking it off with him would have on your children, and if you like having a man around to help you?
I understand that bringing a new man into your children's lives is a big risk, and it can feel like a failure if that relationship doesn't work out. Plus, you say the kids never liked your ex, which only makes the pressure of finding a suitable father figure that much more complicated.
I would ask you to look at the bigger picture here. The sooner you fix the problematic situation, the better. Honestly, as nice as this boyfriend might be, it's not going to work out with him because the main reason you're staying with him is he's nice, and your children like him. That will not make you happy. You will end up miserable and resentful.
Hooking up with your ex is a Band-Aid covering this bigger dilemma: You aren't happy in your relationship. At least, not truly happy. Like I said, we don't cheat on people we fully love with all of our hearts. This is indicative of this larger situation: Your happiness, or lack thereof.
The best thing you can do for both you AND your children is to take some time and really be alone. This means ending things with the boyfriend AND your ex.
I know this sounds fucking scary. Having kids and being single is a lot to handle, but ultimately, you want to be in a mental place where you love yourself enough to find a man who satisfies you in all areas of your life.
You deserve to be happy. At the end of the day, your kids just want their mom to be happy, too.
I hope this helps.
Yours in lust, XOXO Auntie Gigi
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