He Always Wants A Bone: 23 Ways Your Boyfriend Is Exactly Like A Puppy

by Gigi Engle

Men are an intriguing breed. They're two parts confusing and one part completely, utterly and irresistibly adorable.

A man is a lot of work. Not to say women are as easy as instant mac 'n' cheese, but men are a challenge.

It might be because women are female, and men are male, which immediately makes our understanding of them inherently difficult.

I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again: women are just like cats. We don’t like to be touched unless we’re getting something in return, we hate to get wet and we’d rather nap all day than do basically anything else.

If women are just like cats, men are just like dogs.

They’re loyal and goofy, and nothing is going to stand in the way of a belly rub. Having a boyfriend is a lot like owning a puppy.

You have to feed him, pet him and make sure he’s clean. I guess he’s slightly less of a responsibility since (for the most part) he can probably walk himself, and he can use people words, but the similarities are really undeniable.

Men and dogs go together like cream and doughnuts. The only difference is a man can talk, and a dog can bark. Then again, is that even a difference?

Check out the 23 ways your boyfriend is exactly like a puppy:

1. Give him a head scratch and you'll end any fight.

The two of you could be fighting about something ridiculous or something entirely serious, but if you can get close enough to scratch his dear little head, he’ll immediately shelve his anger and succumb to your sweet, sweet petting.

2. Rub his back and he'll fall asleep.

Nothing calms a man like the tender pettings of his lady. If you rub his back for long enough, like a puppy, he'll drift off into a peaceful slumber, dreaming of chasing cats and possibly shaking his leg.

3. You know when he's hungry because he gets really cranky.

There's nothing so disconcerting as a hungry man. He’s irritable and short with you. You know he needs to be fed even when he has no idea that’s why he’s so grumpy.

It might even be to your benefit to carry around snacks in your purse.

4. He's not great at getting you gifts.

Your dog brings you a dead squirrel and your boyfriend gives you an ugly necklace.

Both do it out of the utmost affection because they love you. You’ll pretend to love it in either case because you love him.

5. If you promise him a bone, he'll do anything you want.

Your dog wants an actual bone and your man wants a different kind of bone.

It’s a pun with zero shame and a whole lot of ironic meaning.

6. He wants to lick you all over your body.

Your man can’t give you enough sloppy kisses and neither can your puppy.

It might be kind of gross, but it’s so adorably precious you’re probably just going to lie there and take it.

7. He wakes you up by humping your leg.

Maybe this is just me? My boyfriend wakes me up every morning kissing my earlobes and humping my leg like a damn dog. Because, you know, he is a dog.

8. He eats like he'll never be fed again.

His appetite knows no bounds. He eats like this is his last meal for several days with ferocity.

9. He's loyal.

Just like man’s best friend, an actual human man will be loyal to a fault. Your boyfriend always has your back and always supports you with profound allegiance. When he’s committed, he's committed.

10. He provides unconditional love and just wants snuggles in return.

He’s just a big glob of cuddles. He’s handsy and affectionate and has a hard time letting you out of bed. You don’t mind.

11. He gets uncomfortable pooping in places he doesn't know.

And he can pee literally anywhere, anytime -- though a dog won’t get arrested for peeing on a lamppost. Life is so unfair!

12. He doesn't like when you dress him.

You know when you see those little lap dogs wearing sweaters, looking completely miserable?

Well, this is how your boyfriend feels when you drag him to Macy’s to replace his dad jeans on a Sunday afternoon.

13. You have to train him (even if he doesn't like it).

Men are like dogs and they need to be trained. Blah, blah, I know, you can’t change a man.

But, you can alter him. Most men just need a little fine tuning like a little pup needs to be house broken.

14. He only responds to direct commands.

He doesn’t understand your passive aggressive behavior. When you say you’re “fine” and what you really mean is, “I’m f*cking pissed,” your man isn’t going to understand that.

He’s not hardwired to read into your female brain to decode secret messages. You have to be direct to achieve results.

15. Sometimes he's in the doghouse.

The saying, “He’s in the doghouse” isn’t just a coincidental comparison.

16. You keep him on a short leash.

Sometimes you just have to reel him in and keep him close. There’s no telling what might happen if you just cut him loose to fend for himself.

He might not always appreciate it, but it’s for his own good.

17. He might complain about pussies, but he sure doesn’t mind chasing them.

Men complain about women the way dogs are aggravated by cats -- and yet neither ever seem to stop going after them, huh?

18. His other friends are hounds.

You don’t totally understand his group of friends. They’re fratty and slightly hokey. You’d rather go out with your girlfriends and leave the boys at home.

19. He’s a little furry.

He doesn't like getting haircuts. He only endures personal maintenance when you insist upon it. If it were up to him, he'd run wild and free like Tarzan.

20. Everything you love, he'll eat.

When you’re sitting there on the couch, munching away on your king-sized Toblerone, you can bet he’s going to inch closer and closer to you while you pretend to ignore his presence.

He’ll look at you with those big, puppy-dog eyes and nuzzle your neck.

I mean, seriously, how are you supposed to say “no” to that?

21. It's fun to buy toys for him.

It might be a fuzzy stuffed animal for your pup and it might be fuzzy handcuffs for your man, but either way, everyone is going to be happy.

22. He can't help but compete.

He’s a sucker for competition and he’s fiercely on top of the game. He’s always killing it at work and in life -- and let’s face it, in your bed too.

23. He's easily entertained.

The simplest bathroom humor has him rolling on the floor, and the strangest Adult Swim shows have him enthralled.

You honestly wish you could get half as excited about anything as he does about the prospect of having nachos for dinner.

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