I have nothing against the hook-up culture. As a young Millennial, I’ve had some great times enjoying the perks that come along with it.
Nice, no-strings-attached setups are great, especially when you have a busy schedule and plenty of options.
But, I’ve started noticing a pattern that is somewhat disturbing to me: Many of my girlfriends — and even myself, at times — make excuses for guys doing dickish things because they’re just “hooking up.”
In response to a one-night stand drunkenly peeing all over her living room and leaving in the morning without apologizing or saying goodbye, my friend casually shrugged, “Whatever, it’s not like we’re dating.”
I’m not dating my pharmacist, but if I pissed all over his living room, I would clean it up and say sorry. Even if you’re not dating, nobody has the right to treat you like sh*t. It’s common f*cking courtesy.
I think we can all accept that the hook-up culture doesn’t leave a lot of room for chivalry. But, there's still a bare minimum to which we should hold our men accountable, and I’ve outlined it here, for you:
1. Not Sneaking Out At Five In The Morning
I don’t care if you are the world’s loudest snorer and have the grossest morning breath ever; you were good enough for him last night, which means you should be — scratch that, you most definitely are — good enough for him in the morning.
Unless his mom suddenly got rushed to the hospital, there is absolutely no excuse for him to leave you feeling cheap and used.
By the same token, if you spent the night at his place, just suffer through it, regardless of how uncomfortable his mattress may be.
It’s one f*cking night, and odds are, there aren’t a whole bunch of hours left in it anyway.
2. Feigning Interest In Inevitably Painful Morning Chit-Chat
Morning-after small talk is the absolute f*cking worst. I once spent 20 minutes naked in bed talking to a guy I barely knew about the Holocaust.
Nobody likes it; nobody wants to do it, but we endure it (though, the subject of said morning chit-chat need not be the Holocaust). Why do we endure it? Out of respect.
You put his wiener in your mouth a few short hours ago. The least he can do is pretend to give a sh*t about your plans for the day.
3. Walking You Out In The Morning… Or At Least Offering To
You’re a grown-ass woman. You are perfectly capable of finding your way out of an apartment. But, the living room of this apartment is on the way to the front door, and his five housemates and their girlfriends are all in it.
Hey, maybe you’re an outgoing, confident woman, who can handle any situation and are totally unfazed by the idea of meeting these strangers for the first time, donning sex hair and last night’s mascara. But, just in case you’re not, he should offer to walk you out.
4. Offering To Drive You Home In The Morning (If He Has The Means)
You don’t have to accept the ride, but the offer should be on the table. You’re a hot girl; there are predators everywhere!
If he has the means, he should help you avoid all the creeps on the wild city streets with a safe ride in his car.
This becomes doubly important if it’s cold outside or if you have a long walk ahead of you with no other means of transportation.
5. If It Has Been More Than A Couple Times, Being Honest About What He Wants Out Of This
Stringing someone along is a dick move, and everyone has different ideas about what this means.
Whether he wants to marry you tomorrow or casually f*ck one last time, a real gentleman has the balls to be honest about what he’s looking for out of your relationship.
6. Saying Sorry If He Did Something Gross
“Something gross” can range anywhere from ejaculating somewhere unexpected to that douchelord who peed all over my friend’s living room. We’re all human. People accidentally do gross sh*t all the time, but common decency begs you to apologize.
Heck, if he’s really feeling like Casanova, he could even offer to clean it up!
7. Saying “Hi” When You Two Run Into Each Other In The Future
Revolutionary, right? He’s seen you naked; the least he can do is muster up a one-syllable, “Hi.”
On that same note, you should also make it a point to not be the lame girl going out of her way to avoid him at a party.
If hooking up is as casual and no-big-deal as we all claim, saying hello shouldn’t be so f*cking scary.
8. Being A Polite Houseguest If He’s Spending The Night At Your Place
This involves doing kooky things, like making sure to be clothed in front of your housemates and maybe even offering a nice hello on his way to the bathroom.
9. Texting You The Next Day
This is one people think I’m nuts for expecting, but I’m sticking to it. For all he knows, you could have been eaten by a pack of wolves on your way home.
The least he can do is quickly check in to make sure you’re alive.