I have a fear of commitment. I know it’s cliché, lame and all the lead characters in all the rom-coms have them these days but unfortunately, it's my reality.
It is my honest belief that all fears — including that of commitment — flourish as a result of overthinking. The most common consequence of my overthinking?
A constant storm of “what ifs” that effectively led me to self-destruct in any potentially good relationship that comes my way.
In an attempt to save myself and hopefully others from dying alone with 37 cats (not even option for me because cats creep me out), I outlined below the five big what ifs that haunt me, along with good reasons to ignore each one:
What if I meet someone else?
Anyone with a fear of commitment lives in constant awareness of just how many fish there really are in the sea. Yes, he rocks, but there are also about a billion more rocking guys you’ll probably meet in your lifetime.
You met him on a random night out when you least expected it, so who's to say you won't meet another perfect man on another random night out this weekend or next??
The fact of the matter is that there are plenty of guys out there and you will probably hit it off with many of them. But, that doesn't make your guy any less perfect.
Stop comparing him to all the hypothetical ones who got away and rest assured, your current guy is the perfect guy for you right now.
If you honestly don’t feel that way in your heart of hearts, he just might not be right for you at all.
What if he stops loving me?
Things are wonderful right now because everything is new, exciting and fun and we are both so into each other, but what happens a few months down the line when he catches you watching "Sister Wives" in sweats with a finger up your nose?
What if he really gets to know the real you — flaws and all — and it's not good enough? What if all the excitement ends and he just gets bored?
This fear isn't unfounded; it happens all the time. Couples can get disillusioned and fall out of love. But, you deserve somebody who loves the real you, flaws and all.
Just sit back and think about how fantastic it would be to have a guy who walks in on you watching "Sister Wives" in sweats with a finger up your nose and STILL loves you. Don’t you want that? Hell f*cking yes, you want that!
The problem is you’ll never know you have it unless you let your guard down and try.
What if I'm bad at it?
What if you give it a shot and you suck at it? What if you're a terrible girlfriend and you don’t know how to do all the girlfriend things all relationship people know how to do, like send cute texts all day and remember anniversaries?
What if you don’t know how to do all these things and you break his heart?
For starters, things are already looking up because at least you've found someone you care about.
Think about it; you actually care about this person so much that you are willing to end things with him (hurt yourself) on the off chance that you might do something wrong and hurt him.
I’m really no expert, but I’d say that kind of love — yes, love — is enough to make a relationship work.
What if something out of our control goes wrong?
What if you two do work, he’s perfect for you, you're perfect for him, you’re insanely happy together and then, life throws us a curveball?
What if his job has to move him to some third-world country, or he gets cancer and it’s like a reverse "A Walk to Remember?"
Life happens and things can and will go wrong, but finding someone worth keeping around to catch life’s curveballs with you is probably the only silver lining to this problem. So, keep him around.
What if he gets in the way of my plans?
There is no doubt about it; he is the one. He makes you feel all those things you thought people in country songs lied about having.
You're planning on moving back to San Francisco in five years, he wants to stay in Manhattan. One of you will have to eventually make a sacrifice.
But with sacrifice comes resentment, and with resentment comes the end of the warm fuzzy rom-com feeling. Moving to San Francisco with a resentful partner is just as miserable as staying in freezing f*cking Manhattan.
This one is probably the hardest one for to accept, but a friend of mine gave me some good advice I’ll share with you. News flash: Falling in love is never planned.
Better yet, life is never planned. Sure, break up with him and “save” yourself now, but I’m pretty sure moving back to San Francisco insanely broken-hearted isn't quite part of your plan either.
What if my heart gets broken?
Why move forward and risk getting my heart broken when you could cut things short and make it out with just a little scratch?
The sting of a scratch will heal much quicker than the agonizing pain of a real break.
Cutting things off at the first sign of possible attachment is a surefire way to avoid any sort of agonizing heartbreak, even if he did make you feel like the coolest person to have walked the planet and was basically perfect.
You can keep your fear of commitment and successfully avoid ever having your heart really terribly broken, but in doing so, you'll also sacrifice love.
You can cut relationships short all you want, but do you really want to go through life with nothing to show for it but a diary full of the ones who got away?