“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud..."
We’ve all heard this reading before. It is one of the most common quotes on love we often hear: "Love is patient, love is kind."
Is it as true as we’ve been led to believe? Is love all of these things? I don’t believe it is.
Love can be impatient. Love can be jealous. Love is beautiful, but love is not perfect. I believe love is self-seeking; love is selfish.
When you love someone, you want that person to love you and only you, to love you fiercely and to stay forever. That sounds selfish to me. There's good selfish, and there's also too much selfish, so how do we learn what selfish should look like?
From my ex boyfriend, I learned what selfish should not look like. It may have hurt, but his kind of selfish taught me so much; I never regret the things I have learned, or the people with whom I have learned them.
Selfish does not mean everything is about you.
When you love someone or you're in a relationship with someone, you commit to that person, and all of the hardships that come with commitment. Other things can come first, but they cannot always come first. There has to be a balance.
You have to evenly distribute your selfishness and selflessness when you have someone who is depending on you to do this. You can be career-focused, but you cannot be career-consumed. Careers are important, but so is love, and a balance needs to be struck between the two.
Love your career the way you love your partner; both need a lot of attention, but sometimes, they need space in order to continue loving you back.
Saying my career comes first always is not what selfish should look like.
Selfish is not always putting someone else's needs before your own.
The person you are with is so important, but so are you. Occasionally, you need to be able to say, "Hey, I know you need this, but I need something different." You may need to compromise.
Sometimes, you're with someone who needs very different things than you do. You must never ignore your own needs or give up something you need in order to accommodate someone else.
If there cannot be compromise, there cannot be love. We cannot be completely selfless. We need a little selfish in our lives, too.
Selfish is knowing when it’s too much.
This person lives far away and the distance is weighing down on you. This person does not value sex in a relationship in the same way you do and cannot give you what you need. This person loves you more than you know how to love in return.
Selfish is knowing that sometimes, there are things on which we just can’t compromise. We need to take care of ourselves, too. The things that have always been important to us are important for a reason. We cannot give those up.
If it’s too much, we need to accept that. We can’t keep going if it’s bringing us down. Someone can be so important to us, but not right for us, and we need to know when to be selfish enough to admit that.
Selfish is not to be used as an excuse.
"I need to be selfish today" should not be a phrase used to get out of things or excuse bad behavior. We cannot use selfishness when we feel like being lazy or don’t want to stick to a commitment we made.
If we are sick or desperately need a mental health day, we get to be selfish because that’s not an excuse; it’s necessary. Using selfish as an excuse devalues it.
It turns it back into the horrible trait people make it out to be. Don’t taint the word, and try to be honorable in your selfishness.
Selfish is knowing when, maybe, it isn’t love.
If you know you can’t see yourself with someone forever, for whatever the reason may be, don’t let him or her stay. Don’t be that kind of selfish.
If you can’t see a forever, please, let that person go go.
Everyone will see selfish the way they want to. They will justify their selfishness away; be aware of it. Be conscious of the way you are being selfish. Do not let it overcome you, but do not let it leave you completely, either.
Some people are completely selfish in one area of their lives and completely selfless in another. Strike the balance between the two in all areas of life. Don’t let them govern different areas. Make them work together the way they are supposed to.
When you find someone you can be selfish with in all the ways that work, that’s when you know you're with the right person.
Maybe, he’ll learn how to be selfish, too. Maybe, I can teach him. Maybe, someday, we can be selfish together.