44 Things Girls Read WAY Too Deeply Into

by Candice Jalili

I am not insane, I promise. By the same token, I am not not insane… OH, C’MON. You’ve thought it; I’ve thought it. Heck, we all know he’s thought it. When it comes to the dating game, we are all low-key psychopaths.

From Snapchats to text messages to in-person interactions, there are just SO many things for us to interpret way too deeply. If you haven’t read into any of these texts yet (liar), you sure will now.

Welcome to the dark, slightly narcissistic depths of the Millennial girl’s mind.

The text saying “Hey”

OMG, did he just text me first?!!?

The text saying “Heyy”


The text saying “hey whats up”

WHY no question mark — do you not really care?!

The text saying “Hey, what’s up?”

Why is your grammar SO perfect…? Creep.

A text message sent at 2 in the morning.

Um, booty call much?!

A text message sent at noon.

Um, EAGER much?!

Any dot-dot-dot…anywhere…in any sentence…

WHAT … DOES … THAT … MEAN?!?!?!?!

Any period. Anywhere. In. Any. Sentence.

Omg omg omg, is he seriously mad at me?! WHY is he mad at me?! Is this our first fight?

Any punctuation, really.

Why add this extra confusion to my life?!

When he responds right away.

Ew. EW. Ew. EW, he is so obsessed with me.

When he responds an hour later.

What could he POSSIBLY have been doing for 55 minutes?! Is this him "playing it cool”?

When he just doesn’t respond.

Is he dead?! He’s dead. Do I send flowers…?

When he CALLS you.

A PHONE CALL?!! What is this, the '90s?

When he leaves a voicemail.

A VOICEMAIL?! What are we, dating?!!

When he butt-dials you.

Yeah, okay, sure, it has the word "butt" in it… Is BUTT THE NEW WORD FOR FINGERS THAT YOU USED TO TYPE MY NUMBER IN BY “ACCIDENT”!?!

When he FaceTimes you.

He seriously can NOT get enough of this. Wait, omg, let me touch up my makeup before I answer. Where’s the best lighting in my office?!

When he starts a game on Words With Friends.

What are we, going steady?!

When he asks you to dinner and a movie.

Zomg, DATE NIGHT!!!!!

When he asks you to a matinee.

Are you… FUCKING KIDDING ME?! Do I look like your grandmother?!!?

When he puts a song on in the car.

… Is this our song? *opens Shazam*

When you have plans to hang out, and he shows up with his friends.

Awwwwwwww that is so cute!!!! He likes me SO much — he’s too nervous to hang out with me alone.

When you have plans to hang out, and he shows up alone.

Swoooooooooon. He’s so confident—I love that about him.

When he tries to hold your hand.

WHOA, buy me dinner first!

When you guys sit next to each other in the back of the Uber.

Bow chicka wow wow.

When he puts his hand on your knee.

Tonight is the night.

When he buys you a beer.

Ugh, did I just get friend-zoned?!

When he buys you something fruity with an umbrella.

This is so f*cked up. Abolish gender, and hand me a Manhattan.

When he buys you a Manhattan.


When he invites you to go on a romantic stroll in the park.

What are you doing -- trying to murder me or marry me? One of the two…

When he loves children.

Is this cute or is he a pedophile? …lmk.

When he invites you to Netflix and Chill.

Maybe he ACTUALLY just wants to watch "March of the Penguins." He’s so sweet. Ugh, no, who am I kidding? DOUCHE.

When he invites you to dinner at his parents’ house.

Is he gonna … propose?!!?!?!?!?!!?

When he introduces himself to your dad.

“Hey, nice to meet you” is totally code for “Can I have your daughter’s hand in marriage?” Wow he is so so so so so so SO into me. Play it cool, Candice, play it cool.

When he buys you breakfast the next morning.

So are we about to go Facebook official?!

When he uses your bathroom the next morning.

He is TOTALLY using my mouthwash right now so he can have minty fresh breath when we start making out again. So considerate.

The fact that he doesn’t wear a watch when we’re together.

Nothing else matters when he’s with me <3.

The Snap story he did watch.

Omg did I look okay?! Was it funny?? It was funy, right?!

The Snap story he didn’t watch.


The Snap story he watched first.

Okay, obsessed with me much??

The Snap story he only watched HALF of.

What sort of games is this douchelord trying to play?!

A Snap of him.

How into himself IS he? It’s okay, I’m into him too.

A Snap of a girl he’s with.

That BETTER be his sister.

A Snap of a boy he’s with.

OMG, is he GAY!?!

When he screenshots your Snap.

Omg, that is absolutely his new phone background *blushing*.