12 Reasons Why Rebound Sex Sounds Good In Theory But Is A Bad Idea

You’ve just dumped or been crushed by the ONE person you thought would never hurt you.

You've lost all faith in humanity and are now looking for ANY possible way to move on. To do so, you’re thinking about taking everyone’s clichéd advice:

I'm here to tell you, don’t listen! You can’t hump away hurt! Rebound sex can serve as a gateway to other poor decisions and/or dangerous behaviors.

Here are 12 reasons to avoid rebound sex like the plague: 

1. You could get pregnant and die

Except, it’s not a joke like it was in "Mean Girls." The possibility of getting pregnant and/or contracting a disease is real.

Ladies, risking a pregnancy for a few minutes of pleasure is not worth it. Being stuck with a baby in the aftermath of a rebound will only cause you more problems.

You’re not in the right state of mind or situation for a baby; life isn’t a fairytale and you’re not Cinderella.

Let's be real: What's-his-name doesn't give a sh*t if you lost a shoe; the only reason he would seek you out is for round two.

If you are somehow able to contact him, chances are he won’t be willing to sacrifice his carefree life to help raise a baby with someone he barely knows. Also, if you have the fling right around your breakup, you won’t know who the father is.

Maury will not approve, and neither will your ex.

2. If there are any benefits of the act, they are short-lived

Compliments and the whole “cool, I just got laid” attitude wear off shortly after you button your pants, but the anxiety of a possible STD settles in and stays for months.

It takes six months to accurately test for all STDs and AIDS. Half a damn year of pure mental torture and constant checking for bumps and lumps sounds awful. You'll become so well-versed in STD images, you’ll practically become a gynecologist or urologist.

There's a lot to worry about after a hit-it-and-quit-it. Professional worriers -- aka, women -- aren't the only ones who freak out after one-night stands.

Details magazine reports, “A 2013 study of 3,900 college students found that men experience anxiety and depression after casual sex, and guys who hook up on the regular report lower levels of self-esteem, life satisfaction, and overall happiness than those who get their monogamous rocks off.”

In turn, when you bag and shag, you not only chip a piece off your bedpost, but also your own shoulder, regardless of whether that shoulder is attached to a female or male.

3. The STD scare isn’t worth the time or money

Rebounds are expensive! You don’t only wind up paying for them mentally, but also financially.

STD tests aren’t cheap; in fact, for those who don't have insurance coverage, STD tests can be $50 to $200 a pop. That's a pretty penny for what could be ugly results.

4. You feel dirty

This isn't the temporary dirty, like when you need to take a nice, long shower to feel clean again. Rather, this is the filthy-to-your-core type of dirty. Stains don’t come out of the mind like they do clothes.

Coming out of a relationship, you’re used to being caressed by someone who knows your worth and loves you, not someone who sees you as a human blow-up doll.

As a result, the outcome of a rebound usually leaves you feeling devalued and degraded. You know you’re not a cheap lay; sadly, you’re just an emotionally vulnerable target.

5. If you and your ex do wind up working things out, they won’t be the same after you’ve slept with someone else

It’s not cool to hurt someone you truly love. If you have suspicions you will reconcile with your ex, don’t go for the rebound. You may completely ruin chances of ever rekindling that flame.

If you are fortunate enough to get back together, the relationship will never be the same as it once was.

6. Beware of your "new boo"

If you are trying to find a replacement boo, beware! The people who come out of the woodwork to talk to you after a breakup are just looking to get one thing, and it sure as hell isn’t your heart.

If you give in, you could wind up feeling more alone than you did before.

7. You’re vulnerable and not yet in the right frame of mind to know whether you’re making the right decision

This one is pretty self-explanatory. If you’re going through a breakup, you’re probably delicate and wounded.

At this point, alcohol has also probably become your best friend, but it blurs your vision, judgment and moral code.

8. Stranger danger

You think you’re safe with a sassy Susan, but you go home with a murderess Mary. Appearances can be deceiving; good-looking doesn’t necessarily mean good-natured.

According to Washington DC’s Crime Museum, "Many serial killers have the ability to behave in a manner that arouses no suspicion.”

Your one-time partner is also less likely to ask if certain things are permissible to do before doing them to you, like hair-pulling or choking. Can you say "50 shades of not okay?" You may have consented to sex, but not the add-ons.

Keep in mind people play this selfish game for pleasure; it’s a rarity, not a given, that they care about your feelings or preferences.

9. Walk of shame

Men have it easy; they are Draculas who get their fixes, then, poof, they transfigure into bats and fly back to their castles unnoticed. In this arena, women get the short end of the stick.

They practically wear a flashing, “I just got f*cked” sign strapped to their foreheads as they trek it home after a one-night stand, in ripped stockings and glitzy club dresses.

If you fall into this category, I hope you brought some flats with you because that walk back home in heels will hurt more than your bruised ego.

Mothers everywhere will cover their children’s eyes as you walk past. Hopefully, a taxi ride can shield you from judgmental glares.

10. Sexy tonight is Shrek tomorrow

Everyone knows a 10 tonight is more than likely a two tomorrow.

Beer goggles are no joke; you don’t want to wake up sober, cuddling Fat Bastard or Madea.

11. If someone who hits on you knows you're going through a tough time, this person is an assh*le!

Don’t let people take advantage of you during your weak state. Keep your head up and legs closed because you need to be okay alone before you let someone new in.

12. The sex is probably the worst

Polls show that sex within a marriage is the bee’s knees because there is a sense of trust and comfort. When married, you know each other’s bodies well and what buttons to push to make the other scream.

Rebound sex is the opposite. It can be awkward, clumsy, fast and possibly painful. Foreplay can be magical, but rebounds usually skip this step and go straight for the gold.

As a result, he could be too rough while she is too dry from nerves or dehydration from alcohol. Ouch. On top of this, you have to use protection, so sensations are significantly reduced.

For all of the reasons listed above, I hope you will steer clear of the notoriously regrettable rebound sex. You are a sensitive, sad panda. Stick to blowing tissues, not people, and remember feelings of sadness are temporary, but herpes is forever.

If you absolutely MUST be a loose goose, keep it safe and strictly business. In other words, wrap it up like a mummy and leave your heart at home.

Don’t have a sex contract ready, like Dave Chappelle, but do make it crystal clear the experience is a one-time thing that won’t lead to more.

Lastly, beg the fertility and STD gods to have mercy on you because the heat of the moment has a tendency to leave third-degree burns on your genitals.