Ah, the highlight reel. To some, this is our best friend, to others – they don’t really know what the f*ck it means. Well, I’m here to explain that, folks. Okay, let me try to put it in perspective:
For some, remember back when you were younger, when you’d sit down for dinner with your entire family. You’d probably have chicken fingers because, yeah, that’s all any 8-year-old ever wants to eat. Maybe a side of fries.
But then there would always be that, like, gross f*cking mound of vegetables in the corner that you would save for last, and hopefully hide in a napkin.
Obviously, with mom’s keen eye, that ultimately proved to be a difficult task – and you’d be forced to “eat all your vegetables.” Think back to THIS scene. You finally muster up enough balls just to pick up some broccoli with your fork, and, then, you hear mom say, “just pretend it’s chocolate.”
Suddenly, you’d close your eyes, shove it down the hatch, and pretend you were eating a Cosmic Brownie. Did it work? Eh, not really. But this is the same concept of the highlight reel, just with sex.
Whenever you’re having a bad experience, men will refer to their compilation of greatest sexual conquests to help push them along. Sure, it may be shallow, it may be somewhat pathetic – but it’s important. Here’s what else you should know.
10. It’s very much like the "SportsCenter" Top 10...
dude’s highlight reel is essentially his own sexual version of "SportsCenter" Top 10 plays. Naturally, the cream of the crop are rated, and ranked accordingly.
For some guys, the “highlight reel” will consist of his five greatest sexual conquests, for others, maybe around 10 – ultimately the number is unique to the individual. Put it this way, I doubt Wilt Chamberlain’s highlight reel was all that modest.
9. ...So there is also a Not Top 10
I told you, highlight reels are highlight reels – whether they exist in the bedroom or on ESPN. Just as Sportcenter has a “Top 10 plays” as well as a “Not Top 10 plays,” to accompany it – so will most men. Intuitively, the 10 worst sexual experiences that men encounter will also typically be consolidated into a virtual list.
8. Men will use the highlight reel when things are real bad.
If a dude brings home some girl, and sh*t turns sour – and I mean really sour – that’s when the highlight reel will become a powerful tool.
It’s like when you’re at work, during a long, long Monday and the only way you’re able to power through, is by daydreaming about your vacation last month to Majorca.
7. It can also be used for private time.
There’s this episode of "Curb Your Enthusiasm" where Larry gets ticked after learning that his manager and best friend, Jeff, masturbated to the thought of his wife. Jeff’s defense was “she was on the bench” meaning “the bench in his mind” or in other words – she was in his thoughts.
While Jeff (hopefully) never slept with Larry’s wife before, he could still conjure up some erotic thoughts about her during his private meditation. It’s pretty similar with one’s highlight reel, except, yeah, it involves girls they’ve banged.
6. The spots are flexible.
Of course spots within the highlight reel are flexible, that’s why you play the game in the first place. Sure, Shawn Kemp may have been the most ferocious, jaw-dropping, in-game dunker in the league… in 1996. But, yo, sh*t has changed.
A guy named Blake Griffin is in the league now, and he has pried that title from the Reignman. Which is fine because, otherwise, sh*t would get boring. In a few years, someone will surpass Blake. And it will be all the more awesome.
5. Women know about the highlight reel...
Girls that I speak to are fully aware of the highlight reel, and what’s more, they care as well. Sexual reputation isn’t taboo, like, c’mon, we’re adults. Most women will take pride in their sexual abilities, and moreover, performance.
It’s not like two consenting adults don’t ponder the enjoyment of their partner. I mean, hopefully, they’ll strive for the best.
4. ...And Women have highlight reels too.
Just like men, women have highlight reels too. It’s human nature. Actually, f*ck that, it’s just nature in general. I’m sure within the kingdom of the jungle each individual species makes highlight reels, too. Think about it. Why wouldn’t you?
3. Men don’t necessarily talk about their highlight reel.
The highlight reel isn’t always bagel talk. I mean, it could be, but I’m also from Long Island – so, really, anything is bagel talk. On the real, though, the highlight reel is for the man, himself.
It’s for his own quiet times of reflection, it’s for self-awareness, and it’s for the occasional bout of loneliness. To keep it a buck with you, it’s also a nice reminder after repetitive nights of redemption.
2. But men will think about their highlight reel.
The highlight reel is useful because it also alerts men to what they’re doing right. Let’s say a dude keeps track of his 10 most enjoyable sexual encounters, he can also use the highlight reel as a system of analytics. Let’s say eight of the 10 women were blonde, then, okay – maybe you have a thing for blondes.
If seven of the 10 nights you made additions to your highlight reel you drank Bombay, perhaps you tend to get the most lucky on gin nights. See what I mean? It’s like an Excel spreadsheet.
1. The first time will always have a place on the reel.
Back to the "SportsCenter" analogy. What type of play ALWAYS makes the highlight reel? Yep, you guessed it – somebody’s first. Let’s say a young prospect steps up to the plate, and hits his first homerun. Boom, that’s making the list. Let’s say a rookie quarterback throws his first touchdown in the league.
Yep, that’s making the cut, too. The first time you have sex will always be on your list, simply out of importance. Importance, and the fact that you had nothing else to compare it to.