A few years ago, I got my vagina pierced.
It was the sexiest and most outrageous thing I'd ever done with her (yes, I call my vag "her"). I felt invigorated, powerful. Seriously, what's sexier than sticking a sparkling diamond right above your clitoris?
Lately, though, I've been dying to take my feminine sensuality even further.
It didn't take me long to stumble upon the yoni egg, a heavy stone used to strengthen your pelvic floor muscles. Yoni is a Sanskrit word for sacred womb, so the eggs are used for both spiritual awakening and to align the heart chakras.
I spent a weekend doing research and found that each version of the egg has different sensual and healing powers, targeting everything from PMS to creativity. Strengthening your pelvic floor through the yoni egg can even result in a stronger core, better bladder control and more intense orgasms.
For my first try, my Facebook friend, a yoni expert, helped me pick out a jade gemstone from Etsy.
You're supposed to insert the egg into your vagina like a tampon and use your pelvic floor to hold it in as you go about your day. For whatever reason, this all sounded like a breeze. My vagina is strong and mighty, so why wouldn't I be able to do this?
Jade yoni eggs bring about calm, prosperity, stability and balance. Since I've been struggling with finding work-life harmony, I put my faith in one tiny green egg.
I'm pretty chummy with my kitty cat, so when the egg arrived, I was ecstatic. I laid down on my bed and spread my legs, trying my best to relax. Using my index finger and thumb, I slid it up past my vaginal opening. It was slick and a little cold but, for the most part, settled comfortably into my canal.
As I stood up, I could feel the weight of the egg sliding out. Before I could even clench, the egg hit the floor. I was disappointed that my p*ssy was so weak.
I couldn't go to work with an egg rolling around in my leggings or dropping in the toilet (yeah, that happened), so I tried the Elvie, a more tech-savvy version of yoni egg.
Elvie is like your vagina's Fitbit, a light green egg-shaped device that gives your vagina a five-minute workout. In those five minutes, you're prompted by the Elvie app to lift -- squeezing your kegel muscles -- and relax periodically.
In many ways, this is better than the stone version of the yoni egg. As you squeeze your muscles, your app actually scores your progress and lets you know exactly how strong your pelvic floor is getting.
On my first day, I learned I have zero vagina strength.
After that first egg drop, I was discouraged. No woman wants to think her vagina is feeble. It's the equivalent of a man's ego after he hears his five-inch Johnson isn't getting the job done.
So, I committed to two vagina workouts a day: one before work and another once I got home at night. Between workouts, I practiced Kegels to get my genital gains up, since I figured it would take extra work to get my vagina up to snuff.
I can't lie, it's weird to sit in meetings while squeezing and releasing my loins, but, hey, I had to step my vagina game up. The first two days I clocked in at about 13 percent on target and 45 lift strength, which was decent.
However, I knew my vagina could do better.
A few days into the exercises, my vagina strength and my orgasms were stronger.
By day four, my lift strength score had shot up to 56 percent, and I was ready to test the theory that a stronger vag makes for a better orgasm.
I'm a masturbation enthusiast, so let's just say I was happy to be hands-on for this experience. Instantly, I knew this particular climax felt different. I was more sensitive and felt a stronger tightening down below.
According to Women's Health, a strong vagina will allow you to achieve an orgasm from positions you wouldn't typically get aroused. I look forward to testing that theory with a man, as well.
I learned that my vagina is the portal to better mental and physical health.
I have been overlooking my most personal muscle for far too long.
I was convinced some vagina jewelry and grade-A bedroom performances would send my feminine sensuality through the roof. However, it was sticking a small green egg into my sacred womb that finally empowered me.
The yoni eggs helped my posture, tightened my lower abs and helped me sit up straight. They eased my menstrual cramps and relieved stress and anxiety.
Though I didn't use the chakra-aligning jade stone after the first day, exercising the source of my feminine magic with the Elvie gave me a newfound appreciation for my anatomy.