I’m not religious, but I firmly believe if there is a hell, it’s the eternal feeling of having to take a massive dump at your new boyfriend’s place.
It’s that feeling of sheer agony that accompanies those pangs of lower abdominal pain we know all too well – the kind we try to ignore, stave off until we’re somewhere safe, somewhere he can’t detect, even for a second, that we have actual bowel movements.
It’s that moment of pure terror when we realize there’s no way we’re going to be able to hold it in, that it’s coming out one way or another.
Along with the realization that there’s not a Starbucks, 7-Eleven or construction site Porta-Potty in a two-mile radius (yes, we would run that far).
But why do we care so much? Why is it so hard to erase the stigma of “women don’t poop”? Why is it so difficult to just admit we fart and sh*t like every other human, and like any living organism, when we've got to go, we've got to go.
I don’t know the answer to everything, and I’m not in the business of trying to figure it all out. What I do know, however, is that not one woman is immune to this terror.
Every woman, at sometime in her life, has faced the undeniable dilemma of needing to use the bathroom around a man.
Every woman has faced the tug of war between her head and her bottom. Every woman has cursed God and herself for having such a thing as an anus.
For now, there's nothing to do but either get used to the pain or learn not to give a f*ck. I strongly suggest the latter.
At the same time, however, I still pray for my daughters, and their daughters, and their daughters' daughters because ladies, this is just the beginning of a lot of sh*t you’re going to have to put up with.
So for all women either just experiencing the pain or looking for some compassion, here are the irrational thoughts we’ve all had before taking a sh*t at our boyfriend’s place.
1. F*ck, my stomach hurts.
2. I shouldn’t have eaten that Thai food.
3. I just shouldn’t eat anymore.
4. No, no more eating.
5. That's it, only celery and water.
6. F*ck, I’m hungry.
7. F*ck, I don’t know if I can hold this one.
8. Does he live near a Starbucks?
9. Of course he doesn’t.
10. I should just go.
11. But I don’t want to go.
12. But why should I have to feel bad about going?
13. I mean, if we’re going to be serious, then he’s going to have to know.
14. If he loves me, he won’t care.
15. If he's a real man, he won't care.
16. But what if it’s too soon?
17. What if I turn him off forever?
18. Sh*t, I’m going to fart.
19. I’m going to fart.
20. No, I’m going to hold it in if my life f*cking depends on it.
21. But which is worse?
22. Maybe if I fart, I won’t have to sh*t.
23. If I could just let out a little gas, maybe the pain will go away.
24. But what if it makes noise?
25. But what if it smells?
26. There are just two of us here.
27. He’ll know it’s me.
28. A smelly fart is way worse than a sh*t.
29. F*ck the fart.
30. I could probably wait another hour.
31. Maybe I’ll set my alarm for 4 am
32. Should I just go home?
33. Should I say I’m on my period?
34. Sh*t, I can’t hold this in anymore.
35. Maybe I can disguise it by taking a shower.
36. But why would I need to take a shower right now?
37. I’ll just stop thinking about it.
38. It will pass.
39. I hope he doesn’t suggest anal.
40. Maybe if he does, I can blame it on him.
41. Will he hear if I flush twice?
42. Can I cough louder than a flush?
43. If I flush right when it happens, there will be no smell.
44. Are those walls thin?
45. Will he notice if I’m in there for more than five minutes?
46. Is there even a lock on that door?
47. I hate men.
48. Maybe I can suggest we leave right after.
49. Go to a bar or something?
50. What if his roommate goes in after?
51. What if he and his roommate call me "poop girl"?
52. That's it, I'm going.
53. I'm going. I'm going. I'm going.
55. I just flushed this relationship down the toilet.