6 Times Wine Is So Much Better Than Your Boyfriend
Having a boyfriend is cool. You can change your Facebook status to "In a Relationship," and suddenly your mom isn't on your back about why you're perpetually single. Speaking of backs, when you get an itch in the middle that you can't reach, bae’s got you.
These things are great, but not every relationship is perfect -- unless it's with wine.
Here are six times when wine is better than your boyfriend:
1. When it meets your parents, they welcome it with open arms.
Have you ever brought a boy home to mom and dad, but instead of acting like the charming, chatty boy you know and love, he acts like he’s never spoken to a human being before?
Maybe your boyfriend is the quiet type, but he decides this is the perfect time to break out his comedy routine he’s been practicing in the mirror for months. Either way, it’s not ideal, and instead of thinking your boyfriend is your perfect match, your parents start to wonder if you found him on Craigslist.
With wine, none of this happens. That perfectly dry Cab Sav will go over as smoothly as you had planned. Just don’t get mad if your parents greet the wine before they greet you.
2. You never have trouble getting it to open up.
Your boyfriend has gone years without revealing his biggest fear to you. One time, you thought you saw him cry but he brushed it off as spring allergies. And you absolutely refuse to go all shrink on him by asking, “How does that make you feel?”
Luckily, wine opens right up. All it takes is a quick screw (hehe) and it all, literally, pours out. Just don't lose your opener.
3. You can share it with your best friend... without things getting weird.
You guys share everything from taste in music to taste in men. You’ve shared Chapstick and deodorant more than 100 times and you don’t even feel weird about it.
Your boyfriend, though… I mean, yeah, maybe you considered giving in to your boyfriend’s pleas (or your own desires -- no judgment) for a threesome, but that totally would have to be with a stranger.
Your best friend is a different story. So, while you may not be sharing the ol’ ball and chain, a bottle of Chardonnay is the perfect addition to a long night of fun with your main lady. You both agree: The bigger the better.
4. It makes you feel sophisticated and beautiful without saying a word.
Your boyfriend took you to a nice dinner. You got all dolled up and have your 5-inch heels of regret strapped on. Maybe his eyes lit up when he saw you; maybe they didn’t. Maybe he told you looked great; maybe he didn’t.
At the restaurant, though, when your waiter sets down that too-expensive, too-small glass of wine, you feel like you’re post-transformation version of Julia Roberts in "Pretty Woman.”
You sniff it and twirl it around like you actually know what you’re doing, and when that $14 glass of Pinot is gone, you don’t even need a mirror to know you look hot. You can feel it. (The wine was 14.7 percent alcohol, too, so…)
5. It will sit with you while you watch bad TV and paint your nails.
Some nights you just want to watch "Laguna Beach" reruns in peace. You’ve probably heard, “Do we have to watch this?” one too many times. You don’t want to check the score of the game during commercials; you want to be persuaded to buy all of those lip-plumping glosses and pole-dancing DVDs.
You also want the popcorn to yourself, so it’s a good thing wine is never needy. It doesn’t talk during the best Stephen-Kristen fight of the entire series. It even serves as a muse for your “Merlots of Love” mani-pedi you struggle to do yourself.
6. If someone steals it, it’s easily replaceable.
A bottle only costs about $10 ($3 dollars if you’re broke and easily impressed). The new one will be just as good as the last one. You can even change it up; if the last one was too sweet, you can find one a little drier.
The best part? No healing time required.
Beat that, boyfriend.
Photo Courtesy: We Heart It