We all remember that infamous scene in “Girls” when Marnie excuses herself from the enticing John Booth to go finger blast herself in the bathroom, right? Well, congratulations that is exactly and absolutely…incorrect.
Seriously people, have we forgotten that the bathroom is one of the dirtiest spots in the house? It’s even nastier at the clubs and bars in which every girl pretends it's Mischief Night on Halloween and throws toilet paper and tampons all over the place. We’ve never understood why the public restroom always looks like Chris Brown took out all his anger on the toilet.
Why do we ladies feel the need to make a total mess, deliberately piss all over the place and then not flush to boot! And why are there puddles everywhere? Did someone take a shower in the sink? Where did all that moisture come from? Maybe more people are masturbating than we thought…
The gross and vile things we find in the women’s bathroom really do make us wonder: what the heck are you guys doing in there that the place looks worse than the brawl scene in “Fight Club?”… Well, that and the fact that women always go to the restroom in packs – what’s the reasoning behind that one?
A lot of the time – and especially at group dinners -- we’re following our pal to the bathroom because we have something evil and weird to share with our girlfriend about another member of the table.
Maybe Megan has really been pissing you off or Jennifer is totally dominating both the conversation and the food. Regardless, your mouth is about to become a deadly weapon spewing insults and gripes, and the only safe space to let it out also happens to be where your friend is, er, “letting it out” in the stall next to you.
Making Friends With The Bathroom Attendant
Wondering why she’s been gone for fifteen minutes while everyone is on to the next course? She’s drunkenly chatting up the restroom attendant and listening to her spill her life story. It’s kind of like when you sit in the front seat of the taxi cab and you become best buds with the driver.
The bathroom attendant is a woman you want on your side, especially when you need that stick of gum and you find yourself short-changed. Plus, her tales are way more interesting to listen to than the guy bragging about his extensive knowledge of wine. A lollipop from the bathroom counter in exchange for your thoughts?
Snapping Mirror Selfies
Kissy face and hashtag “latergram” also included. There are two things women can’t resist in this world: taking pictures of themselves and then publicizing their good looks on social media (no judgment – if you got it, flaunt it!). Bonus points if you can fit all your friends in one frame.
Deciding Who Gets to Hook-Up with Each Guy
After you and your pal pick-up two studs one night out, the next logical step is to determine who gets to flirt with which guy. We’re not about to hash it out in front of them, so the bathroom acts as the courtroom. You state your claim and hope that your friend is vying for the other dude, or else there’s going to be an epic debate. Just sit tight, boys, you’ll get your one-on-one time soon.
We’re going to let you in on a not-so-secret: girls love to cry. It feels nice, it warrants attention, and it makes our eyes sparkle. Especially after a couple of drinks or a tiring day, we might excuse ourselves to just sob for a few minutes, even over nothing in particular. Let us do our thing and when we come back to the party, don’t call us out on crying – it’ll bring on the tears again.
Calling Our Moms or Boyfriends
Who is lamer: the people at the table discussing hair things or the girl who excuses herself every ten minutes to go check-in with her overbearing boyfriend? We’ll give her credit, though, for not rudely dialing him in front of everyone. If we have to make a quick, unassuming phone call or tell our spouse that we’re going to be home late, we’ll do the right thing and talk in the privacy of the stall.
Holding Each Other’s Belongings
Remember those pools of piss water we referenced earlier? Sometimes we need a wingman just to keep our stuff off the floor while we do our business. We know, you guys wish that “holding each other’s belongings” is really code for “making out,” but alas, those are merely dude fantasies.
You know what they say, “drugs bring people together!” And there’s nothing more intimate than sharing a 2x2 foot stall with you and three other girls all vying for the vial. There’s a reason why clubs don’t allow more than one person in the stall anymore, and this would be exactly why.
That awkward moment when you make your rounds, greet everyone at the party, and then realize everyone can see your underwear. You have to bring your girlfriend into the bathroom to give you a second opinion, natch. And we all know what happens next, Captain Commando.
Trading Makeup And Sharing Tampons
Pretty self-explanatory and pretty girly, yet that’s the majority of what happens in the girls’ bathroom. And we’ll throw in some Taylor Swift sing-alongs, for good measure.
Some do it on purpose, and some do it by accident. But, hey – at least we’re making it to the toilet!
Making New Friends And/Or Girl Fighting
Unless you want to see the live version of a “Flavor of Love” cat fight, don’t dare cut a woman in line for the bathroom. Women engage in all kinds of shouting and arguing when someone tries to push in front.
Of course, on the flip side, there’s also the stranger giving us the “I’m thinking the same thing,” half-smile as we both amusedly watch the absurd trash-talking going on. That’s always a good time and warrants a “You’ll never guess what just happened in the bathroom,” story to your girlfriends.
Waiting On The Line
Because all of this commotion is going on – from taking your sweet time fixing yourself in the mirror to deliberating over who gets which guy – most of the time girls are just waiting on the bathroom line. Seriously, patiently standing in line is half the battle. It usually takes longer to actually make it to the bathroom than it does doing your thing. But don’t knock the bathroom line – we’ve met some pretty cool people standing on the wall.