I am a Tinder goddess.
Okay, not really. I haven’t reached Laura Urasek levels of fame. I have, however, been on the receiving end of hundreds of messages.
Before I deleted my account (only to start it up again a week later) I accumulated more than 1,200 matches in a matter of four months.
Now, I have more of a filter.
I used to expect some cosmic alignment of the stars from Tinder. Instead, I kept getting the same bullsh*t over and over again.
Let’s face it, Tinder really only has one purpose. To find someone to f*ck.
There’s no shame in it. We all have needs. Tinder is the Seamless of sex and the Netflix of d*ck.
There's so much pressure placed on that initial message. You have to come off as flirtatious, sexy and down for a good time without ever stating as much.
You can actually tell what a guy will be like from that very first line of communication.
If he said “hey,” he just wants head.
Short, straight, to the point.
He won’t go down on you. F*ck, he probably won’t even have sex with you.
If he doesn’t have time to say anything more interesting than “hey,” he's just waiting to get off. In your mouth. Probably in the bar bathroom. Maybe in your building lobby.
The good news? You won’t have to clean your apartment for him because he won’t make it there.
If he’s all about the “heyyyyyyyy,” he’s too stoned to give a f*ck.
No straight man says “hey” with that many extra letters unless he is drunk or stoned out of his mind.
Prepare for painfully slow sex. He'll alternate between shoving fistfuls of Cheetos into his pie hole and puffing away at a joint.
If he asks you questions about your profile, he’s vanilla.
He clearly has no idea how Tinder works.
Don’t expect his dick to know what's happening, either.
Whatever, at least he’ll eat you out for a couple hours.
If he sends a winky face, he’s going to try something weird in bed.
No thanks, dude. We have to be better acquainted before you pull that card.
If he quotes your favorite book or song, he probably wants to move next door to you.
This isn’t Match.com. It’s Tinder.
Googling someone's favorite book is reserved for real interactions. It's not a way to impress someone who just wants to f*ck you.
I realize this is kind of harsh, but come on. If you met your boyfriend on Tinder and he's not a serial killer, you found the one exception to the rule.
"Wanna get a drink?" is code for “I know what I want.”
It's good to get this message around 6 pm, when he's getting off work. That means he truly has no plans for the rest of the night and wants to hang out with you.
By hang out with you, I mean f*ck you to Tuesday and back.
If you get this message at 11:30 pm, however, it means he's already plastered and has messaged everyone in his contacts to chill.
Don't fall into the trap.
If he compliments you on your choice of scarf in your second photo, he's probably gay.
No straight man cares about scarves that much. No.
If he starts with “hey, beautiful,” he will try to talk dirty and fail miserably.
No normal guy says that to a passing stranger. It's a greeting reserved for creeps and long-term boyfriends, not a guy you just swiped right on.
This sort of douche prides himself on his articulation and will try to utilize those skills in the bedroom.
Unfortunately, you’d rather listen to him read the phonebook than hear him try to verbalize how you’re "wet like the Nile."
Someone used that line on me once. I’m still traumatized.