Is there anything more insulting than when someone asks you if you're tired?
Before we delve into this, let's think for a moment why we even go to sleep in the first place — to re-energize and get the rest we so desperately crave during the day.
So to ask and further imply someone has not gotten adequate hours in bed is to insinuate she looks like sh*t, right? Exactly.
My fellow females can support me in this claim, we all know a person means one thing, regardless of how he or she frames it — what the f*ck is going on with your life, and why is it written across your face?
You came into work looking disheveled, and now everyone's suddenly concerned?
Where were these people when your boss unloaded extra work on your desk? Well, that is neither here nor now and definitely an issue to address at a later time.
So what do people really mean when they ask if you're tired (as if they really care, those judgmental bastards)...?
1. Are you feeling OK?
What you really mean: Is there something going on you're trying to bottle up? Because it's not really working for you...
What we're going to do about it: Grab the closest box of tissues and retreat into the bathroom.
Rebuttal: Overcompensate with cheerful sarcastic affirmations.
2. Did you get enough sleep?
What you really mean: The bags underneath your eyes look as dramatic as the new overnight bag I just purchased.
What we're going to do about it: Rush to the nearest CVS makeup aisle and use up any and all free sample cover up we can get our hands on.
Rebuttal: "I was up working late; what's your excuse?"
3. Did you go out last night?
What you really mean: You look like you got hit by a tractor trailer.
What we're going to do about it: Use this as an excuse to eat.
Rebuttal: "Yeah, your boyfriend was quite the main attraction."
4. Are you going through something?
What you really mean: You seem really on edge lately, and it's freaking everyone out.
What we're going to do about it: Most likely stomp out of the office and throw a mini-temper tantrum.
Rebuttal: "Yeah, I am actually — my parents are getting divorced, my boyfriend broke up with me and my lease ends next weekend."
There is nothing quicker to drive someone away than an outlandish life crisis... or several.
5. Did you go to the gym this morning?
What you really mean: Your hair is a mess; you have a slight odor to you and you're definitely trying to pass off your gym pants as leggings.
What we're going to do about it: Take the f*cking compliment; it means we look fit, right?
Rebuttal: "Yeah, and maybe next time you should join me."
6. Did you sleep out last night?
What you really mean: You look oddly satisfied but frazzled at the same time.
What we're going to do about it: Gloat, obviously.
Rebuttal: "Don't you wish you were me?"
7. Are you going for the natural/grunge look?
What you really mean: You know you look like sh*t, and everyone else in this room knows too.
What we're going to do about it: Keep pretending this is intentional and not because you put yourself together at the last minute.
Rebuttal: "Yes, of course I am, thanks so much for noticing!"
8. Is it laundry day?
What you really mean: Are you wearing the absolute grossest clothes you own?
What we're going to do about it: Laugh along because they are completely right.
Rebuttal: "You do your own laundry?"
9. Did you shower this morning?
What you really mean: You should've...
What we're going to do about it: Ask every single person (except this chick) over work chat if he or she has some sort of perfume, body spray or deodorant.
Rebuttal: "Of course not — I woke up like this."
10. Did you oversleep?
What you really mean: You ran into work; you're sweating, and your shirt's on inside out.
What we're going to do about it: Chug a gallon of coffee immediately.
Rebuttal: "No, I'm just late because I felt like it today."
11. Weren't you wearing that yesterday?
What you really mean: DID YOU GO OUT LAST NIGHT AND GET SOME?
What we're going to do about it: Absolutely nothing because this is awesome!
Rebuttal: Laugh it off and leave them wondering...
12. When is the last time you washed your hair?
What you really mean: Have you assessed that grease ball that is lying atop your head?
What we're going to do about it: Use this as a rationalization to not wash it for yet another day. Isn't revenge pretty?
Rebuttal: "I really can't remember, oh well!"
13. Have you considered taking a half-day?
What you really mean: You look like you could use some serious R&R.
What we're going to do about it: Not argue, if HR is telling you to take a half-day, you take that f*cking half-day.
Rebuttal: "Sounds like a plan to me, see ya." (Exit stage left)