As I sit here writing this, I am waiting for the clock ticker on my safe driving course to trickle down to 0:00 so I can proceed to the next set of questions.
In my defense, I was unaware I was making an illegal U-turn, but apparently ignorance of the law is no excuse. I guess this is karma for all of the other times I've gotten let off the hook, especially since the first ticket I ever received was an "intent to kill" citation.
If you asked any of my friends who have been unfortunate enough to be passengers in my car, they will tell you that never again will they let me drive.
Instead one person in the group will volunteer to get behind the wheel as I take the passenger's seat in my own car. This has been an occurrence in my life since I turned 16.
I learned to drive in Florida, which explains why I am so terrible at driving. This state is home to the youngest and the oldest people on the road and, honestly, it's a terrible place to learn how to drive. I mean, we're basically just doomed from the start.
The first time I had to parallel park was, in fact, not on my driving test. As Florida does not have sidewalks, the state does not include this portion on the road test.
Also, my driver's test took place in a parking lot, not on the road and definitely not on the highway.
Enough about me and my lack of driving abilities. Let's take a look at what happens when you are dubbed the worst driver of all your friends:
1. People become increasingly concerned when you go on a road trip
The friends who you are meeting are worried and your family is most definitely concerned when you hit the road.
This isn't a simple trek from point A to point B, it's a journey lasting over three hours. Of course you must check in when you leave, if you stop and when you arrive.
2. People tell you that you are a worse driver than another friend who is also a terrible driver
You thought you were in the clear because there's always someone out there worse than you... until you realize, nope, you are that person.
The one who's the epitome of a terrible driver and the person no one wants to drive with. You are used as a cautionary example and are definitely at the center of your friends' worst driving stories.
3. When you volunteer to be the designated driver, someone else steps up
It's really a statement when your friends would sacrifice their drunken night simply to prevent you from driving.
If people remember how poor of a driver you are when they're blacked out -- that is really saying something. Well at least these people won't throw up in your car if someone else is behind the wheel.
4. Someone else always volunteers to drive your car while you ride shotgun
What a great point you make Samantha. You may be the only one with a set of wheels but that doesn't mean you're going to be the one driving.
On multiple occasions, your friends have forced you out of the driver's seat, only to take your place.
5. No one ever wants to park next to you in a parking lot
Your terrible driving skills aren't just limited to the roads, they extend into parking lots. You know better than to park anywhere near your friends' cars because they have told you never to do this on countless occasions.
Chances are when you are backing out, you may side swipe them, or even worse, cut the wheel too much and straight up back into their car.
6. No one wants to go on a quick outing with you, ever
Safety or company is the debate going on in your friend's mind when you ask her to run a quick errand with you. She would rather keep her lunch in her stomach than on your dashboard.
Don't be insulted when said friend passes on the opportunity, she just doesn't feel like participating in Mario Kart at the moment.
7. You're probably on your second car or you're car-less
If you are really that bad of a driver, you have either totaled your car, blown out the transmission (guilty) or done something else ridiculous, resulting in the destruction of your car.
8. Your friends refer to you as Cher Horowitz even though you're not a virgin
Cher Horowitz's greatest defeat in life was that she couldn't drive. You (like me) are the Cher Horowitz of your group even though you lost your virginity back in high school.
When you are called this name in public, there is no need for further explanation as everyone is well aware of what this iconic quote entails.
9. You are the reason the stereotype "Women can't drive" exists
As much as you want to be treated equally, it is basically something that will never happen for you -- well, at the very least, not while you're still behind the wheel.
When your friends try and argue which gender drives better, you become the prime target, stereotype and example.
10. You have had to take a safe driving course on more than one occasion
Well, this is the second time I've had to do this, sooo I guess that speaks for itself. But for my fellow awful drivers, you are far too familiar with the differences between an in-person class and an online class.
But it took you completing an in-person class to figure out the online version was the way to go.
11. It is unclear to you whether or not you presently have any points on your license
The first thing you think when you get pulled over is, "F*ck I'm never getting out of this one I have sooo many points on my license." But wait... the officer lets you off with a warning because your driving record is impeccable. What the hell...
12. You didn't know traffic cameras were a real thing until it was too late
Aren't those just myths and scary stories your parents tell you when you get your license? You aren't aware that you even committed a traffic violation until the notice comes in the mail.
However, this is probably the best type of traffic infraction because it doesn't result in points. Why? Because they can't tell who's driving the car, that's why.
13. Even your friends' parents know how terrible of a driver you are
You know you're a bad driver when your friends go as far as to tell their parents. They may have never met you before, but upon your first encounter, they will refer to you as that girl -- the one who almost killed their child numerous times.
Photo via White Chicks