The life of a vegetarian isn't an easy one. It's a difficult job, seeing as the amount of sh*t you are going to receive is endless. Whenever you are out for a meal, this topic will come up at one point or another.
Just because it's your first time having this conversation with a vegetarian doesn't mean it's also our first time. No, we're not snobs or picky eaters, we just don't enjoy eating things that once had a mother.
Maybe next time, before you mock your veghead friend for eating veggie nuggets, you'll stop before you even get started. The vegetarian struggle is real and we're going to lay it out for you. Enjoy!
Yes, I consume plenty of protein.
This is probably the most irritating question you could ever ask a vegetarian. Just because we don't eat meat doesn't mean we don't know how to take care of ourselves.
Ever hear of this thing called...TOFU!? Or quinoa? Eggs? You do you and I'll do me because you sure as hell don't want to hear my opinion on you eating a bacon cheeseburger.
People have different views on eggs.
Mer, mer, mer... Do you eat eggs? What about egg whites? Do you eat omelettes? Sheesh! Chill out. A vegetarian's views on eggs can change based on experience. Some vegetarians are freaked out by eggs and some see them as a viable source of protein. Regardless, do you actually give a sh*t?
Eating fish means you're a pescatarian, NOT a vegetarian.
Get your facts straight. Vegetarians find it really annoying when you claim to be one, but in reality, you eat salmon for every meal. We worked hard to get this title; we don't need any impostors up in here. We'll enjoy our avocado rolls while you eat your spider rolls.
No, I do not crave cheeseburgers.
Your taste buds adjust after 30 days of changing your eating habits. Cravings for meat dissipate. I know it's a difficult concept to grasp, but it's true.
Animals aren't my number one concern.
GASP! I said it. When you ask a vegetarian his or her views on animal cruelty, take a moment to size up the person's outfit. I guarantee you she's rocking leather or suede. Guess where those materials come from?! Yup, animals. Of course there are vegetarians who don't eat meat because of animal cruelty, but that doesn't apply to every one of us.
First dates will always be incredibly awkward.
Do you tell your date you're a vegetarian before you go out to eat? You don't want to come across as annoying or needy, so isn't it better to keep it to yourself? What if a guy takes you to a steakhouse? You can't just eat a plate of mashed potatoes and call it a night!
Saying "I don't eat meat" usually involves a blowjob joke.
"But you eat the other kind of meat? Yeah you do!" No, shut up! Do you really think this is the first time we've heard a joke like this? Sorry to burst your bubble, but you're not as clever as you think you are.
Yes, I read "Skinny Bitch."
To many people out there, this book is what pushed them into vegetarianism, but some read it after already becoming vegetarian. If this is what made someone stop eating meat, it doesn't change his or her decision or make it any less valid. For any vegetarians, this is a must read.
You gained 10-plus pounds abroad.
If you wanted to go abroad and actually eat, you probably traveled to Italy because WTF are you going to eat in Barcelona? You survived solely on bread and pasta. Cue the weight gain! Chalk it up to a cultural experience. You can always lose it when you come back home.
Morning Star products = survival food.
Throw it up, throw it up. I don't know where my life would be without Morning Star. Bring on the veggie nuggets!
This is what your Thanksgiving dinner looks like:
Thanksgiving is my least favorite holiday because it is essentially centered around a giant turkey. Gag me… Luckily, my whole family is a bunch of vegetarians so I get to bathe in baked ziti for the evening.
But for those who are the lone soldiers of their families, Thanksgiving is straight torture. Your dietary needs will probably get pushed aside as they make room for more turkey legs. Enjoy the alcohol because that's the only thing that will get you through this meal.
You can never eat at your friend's parents' house.
Eh, I'm sorry you just took three hours to prepare that chicken dish, but I'm going to have to pass. Is there anyway to reject food without being the slightest bit rude?
People assume you're a prick or stuck up.
There's a difference between being picky and being a vegetarian. Being a vegetarian is a lifestyle. You wouldn't tell your kosher friend to eat a cheeseburger, would you? Exactly. We're not trying to complicate your life. Our lives are already complicated enough as we search for something on the menu.
We don't forget we're vegetarians when we're drunk.
I don't eat buffalo chicken pizza slices when I'm blacked out. Just because you're drunk doesn't mean you forget you're a vegetarian. It's a part of you; it doesn't just go away once your brain shuts down. Also, it's pretty f*cked up when you try to feed your passed out friend chicken slices. Yeah, you know who you are.