I may not know sh*t about having a boyfriend, but if there's one thing I do know -- it's about having an ex boyfriend. Don't get me wrong, I don't have many, but I've certainly learned a lot from the few I do have and, of course, from the horror stories of my friends.
Sure, you may laugh that your ex hates you because you seemed like an "insufferable c*nt," but honestly the last thing he's been doing all these years is laughing.
Let's all take a breather here together before any of us furiously scroll down to the bottom of the page to rip me a new one. If we can't laugh about the messed up sh*t that's happened throughout our lives, we will never get past it.
So, learn from the mistakes you made within your relationship, you're young and you really didn't know better -- at least for the most part.
At this point you may think the idea of having 21 different types of exes is crazy -- and though the number may seem high, it's because some of these guys overlap in your life -- but I assure you, my friend, you most certainly can...
1. The first ex
This ex is the one who turned you into the bitter realist you are today. You either broke his heart or he broke yours -- either way, it's affected every relationship you've had since.
No matter how much time has passed, you probably have absolutely nothing nice to say about him, as you still question WTF you were thinking in the first place.
2. The one who rightfully hates you
You cheated on him, you broke his beloved television or you hated his best friend -- whatever the actual reason is, this guy hates you and there's nothing you can do about it.
It doesn't matter if you are a completely different person now. You have scarred him for life and he never wants to speak to you or see you again. It's okay, it happens to the best of us.
3. The one you break up, to make up... to break up with
You don't know why you think it will be different this time, it is literally the same sh*t over and over again.
Your friends all warn you, but, no, you never listen to them even though they've been right the four times prior. But it'll be different this time around. STFU, no it won't and it never will be, at least not in the long run.
4. The one you pretend never existed
You know that one person you dated, for however long, who you would rather pretend never existed?
Maybe this wasn't a full-fledged boyfriend, but a consistent hook up, either way, it never happened in your book and when people question you about it... deny, deny, deny.
5. The one you f*cked up and will never get back
Maybe you cheated or went bat sh*t crazy -- whatever it was, you drove this guy far, far away with no hopes of ever returning.
You probably still think you have feelings for him as none of your efforts to win him back have been successful. The sooner you accept the reality of the situation, the better off you will be.
6. The one you only care about when you're drunk
When you're sober, the last thing on your mind is your ex, but when you're obliterated, he is all you think about. Why? WHY does this happen?
You kick yourself in the ass every time you succumb to the drunk text, but for some reason, you never learn your lesson. Oh well, better luck next time.
7. The one you never got closure from
It's been years since your breakup, but for some reason, you still just can't figure out where things went south.
Who broke up with whom? And why? Was it one isolated incident or a combination of smaller incidents? Is there any hope for a reconciliation? Do you even care or are you just curious?
8.The ex you only miss for the sex
Is it really closure you're looking for or are you just missing the intimate aspect of the relationship? Chances are you haven't met anyone who's lived up to your ex's standards, which is why you think you miss him.
In reality, you are perfectly fine with the decision to break up, but that one thing is always stuck in the back of your mind.
9. The one you were never even dating
You were never officially dating and so you never officially broke up. But you go from hanging out one day, to not speaking the next.
These are the in-between people you hit up at your convenience and vice versa. Whatever, you don't need that confusion in your life anyway.
10. The ex you forgot you dated
His name comes up casually in conversation and you burst out laughing. Your friends don't understand what's so funny, but you do.
You think back to when you dated this guy and are just so perplexed by what you were thinking when you did so. You don't hold any negative feelings towards him -- actually, wait, you don't hold any feelings towards him. Glad that's over and done with...
11. The one you dated just because your parents hated him
We all have that rebellious period in our lives where we live to tick off our parents. And what's the best way to do so as a female?
Date a guy who is completely wrong for you and shove it in your parents' faces... because this totally makes sense... I don't know who this will upset more, your mother or your father.
12. The one who broke your heart
Ah, this guy is the worst of them all because you definitely didn't have the upper hand in this situation. Sure, maybe you had multiple exes break your heart, but there's always one who sticks out when compared to the rest.
When you are having those really sh*tty, mopey days, you can't help your thoughts from drifting to this person, pushing you further and further into your misery.
13. The one who still expects you to apologize to him
You have been broken up for a while, but for some reason, your ex still thinks you owe him an apology. You thought you both moved on, but apparently that isn't the case.
You were under the impression that you could be friends again, so you start talking on a friendly basis... that is until he brings up the apology he thinks he deserves. All that does is put you on the fast track to never speaking to him again, ever.
14. The one you will marry if you are still single by 30
You broke up for a legitimate reason, but left off on good terms. Maybe you went to different colleges or moved to far away cities after college.
But one thing remained clear: If you make it into real adulthood (let's be serious your 20s are just an extension of your college years) and are still single, you will marry each other.
15. The one who is/was your friend
Before he was your boyfriend and then your ex-boyfriend, this guy was your friend. He wasn't a random stranger you met out on the town, but someone you were close to before you decided to take your relationship to the next level.
But as with most things in life, nothing good lasts forever, so that breakup left you unsure of how to handle this uncharted territory.
16. The ex whose family you miss
You don't miss your ex at all, but you do miss the shopping trips you went on with his mother and/or sister. Let's be honest, you probably stuck around as long as you did because of the way his family made you feel.
It's rare to actually get along well with a person's family, so it's only natural to miss them when they are no longer part of your life.
17. The one who is completely wrong for you
You knew this relationship wasn't going to last, but you didn't give a sh*t. It seemed fun at the time -- and isn't that the most important thing?
You weren't delusional about the circumstances as you knew this would run its course, regardless of how fleeting it would be.
18. The crash and burn
Either one or both of you did something so f*cked up that the only option was to break up. Neither party apologized nor spoke again.
You quietly took your shame and whatever dignity you had left and went your separate ways. People don't even ask you to elaborate on the reason for your breakup as your tone when you said, "It's a long story," spoke for itself.
19. The one you still casually hit up to hook up with
What's the point of still keeping in touch with your ex? So you can hook up with him, of course. This doesn't have to be a drunken night, it can be whenever you feel like it.
You're both on the same page as to where your relationship stands (hopefully) since you've moved past the breakup to the makeup phase (see #3). You both simply hit each other up when it's convenient.
20. The one you have to convince yourself you're better without
Sometimes you contemplate getting back together, even if you aren't on speaking terms. But as soon as that thought appears in your mind, you must push it away.
Remember all of the bad times and the reason you broke up in the first place. Okay, good, your five minutes of insanity have passed and you're back to normal... phew.
21. The one you think you want back, but regret every time you do get back together
This is different than the breakup-to-makeup because it's always on your terms. You know your ex will get back with you whenever you decide to come around. You finally think that it'll work, only to regret your decision the moment you reunite.
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