Celine Rahman

#NotNom: 16 Thoughts That Go Through A Girl's Head When She's Eating Salad


It takes a certain person to get excited by a salad. And yet, we order it because, with the right combinations and deliberate thought, cultivated from years of experience, a few leaves and natural ingredients taste like we're doing our bodies good.

Those are rare occasions when we're craving a salad. Most of the time, salad isn't the stuff that dreams are made of.

It's "refreshing" at best. But until they invent something better (green juice smoothies, we're looking at you), it's back to the chopping block.

Here are all the thoughts that go through a girl's head when she orders a salad.

1. I wish this tasted like pizza

Maybe if we put a little cheese in it and some tomatoes, it'll at least smell like a pizza? What if we try melting it? Nope, still tastes like the ground.

2. I'm not going to be satisfied

It's a poor substitute for carbs, which is what you really want to be eating right now, and will probably end up eating later anyway.

3. Please don't let this dressing taste like sh*t

Nothing ruins a perfectly well-constructed salad like choosing the wrong dressing. How were we supposed to know that toasted maple vinaigrette would taste like Mickey Rourke's armpit juice? It's a tough way to learn that in life, there are no do-overs.

4. Do I have leaves in my teeth?

Reason number one to avoid salad on a date at all costs. You never know if he's into the green or not.

5. It's basically like I didn't eat today.

Vegetables are basically water. And this tastes like air. Therefore, this salad is 0 calories, right? RIGHT? Right.

6. Why am I paying $12 for leaves?

Why does less food cost more money? And since when did mushrooms become a premium item? Is there something special about them that we don't know about...

7. Creamy dressing is the devil

It doesn't count because it's a salad. Keep telling yourself that.

8. I wish I ordered a hoagie

Close your eyes and snort some Italian seasoning and maybe you'll be able to trick yourself. Emphasis on maybe.

Unless you're the ultimate magician, there's no way you can turn a salad into a sub. BRB, we're crying into our mesclun.

9. Someone please go kale me now

We don't trust people who say they like kale over potato chips because we know they lie. Kale is like lettuce's younger, rougher and more obnoxious little brother.

He terrorizes digestive tracks and tricks women into liking him.

10. Am I actually craving a salad? This is a glorious day!

Get it right, get it tight, sister. Don't fight the moonlight urge to eat healthy. Nothing tastes fresher than a salad when you're actually in the mood for it.

11. Why don't I have a choice in life?

Salad is the only option for girls like myself whose metabolisms break down food at the speed of retired grannies walking backwards. Just considering any other lunch alternative negates 20 minutes of spin class.

12. Don't offer me bread. Please don't offer me bread

I will eat it. And then I will be no better than a sandwich.

13. My salad is swimming in dressing

You would pretend you hate it, but you don't. You'll also pretend like you asked for just a little on the side, but we both know you wanted this.

14. Is it weird if I request just six craisins and nine almonds?

Maybe, but is that really going to stop us from deviating from our diets? It's not like we're asking them to count each feta crumble... wait, can they do that?

15. I'm going to take a ton of utensils

Muwahaha, one more day without washing the dishes! YAAAAS.

16. Only 758 more meals like these until I fit into Kate Moss for Topshop skinny pants!

Approximately, at least.

Photo Courtesy: NBC/Parks and Recreation