27 Things That Absolutely Don't Count If You Never Look At Them
Everyone knows the best way to deal with problems is to ignore them. Hmm, that doesn't sound right... but, sadly, that's how we must deal with certain things in life.
You may think not knowing how much money you have in your savings account would be nerve-racking, but knowing what that number really is may give you even more anxiety.
Some things are better left ignored -- until the day comes when you actually have to deal with them. Sure, this may not be the mature or responsible route to take, but WE'RE TRYING. Keyword: trying.
So what are the things you'd rather ignore until you can't any longer?
1. Your bank account
You got paid about five days ago... so you should have sufficient savings for the next two weeks, right? Absolutely not.
Because your paycheck does not magically refill itself as much as you wish it would. Those $7 taxis really do add up after just one weekend.
2. Your weight on the scale
If you never weigh yourself, then you never really know what the number is. Muscle weighs more than fat anyway, right?
And boobs must weigh well over 10 lbs... or at least they definitely feel like it. Anyway, as long as you're happy with what you look like -- who cares what the number is?!
3. The amount of weed you have left in your bowl
Yeah, keep hitting that pipe -- just pretend that res you've been smoking for the past week is actually getting you high. It's all in your head anyway, isn't it?
4. Your test grades and GPA
You can't be failing a class that you never check your grades for, now can you?
5. The pile of laundry sitting on the corner of your bed
Everyone knows the best thing to cuddle with is fresh laundry.
6. The amount of sexual partners you've had if you never count them
7. Your résumé
Another day has passed that you told yourself you'd get your sh*t together, but then you started watching "Prison Break."
8. How ugly the person you're making out with at the bar is
If you never open your eyes, you will never know!!
9. Your phone battery
Maybe this is something you should be monitoring... oops.
10. Your credit score
What even is that? It's real? That's not just from the movies? Oh.
11. Whose jacket you're really taking home from the bar
Showed up to the bar with a North Face from 2009, walked out rocking this year's brand new style.
12. Your STD results
The Fat Jew said it best.
13. Drunk texts
Sure, that guy may still have the conversation as reference, but you don't -- and isn't that all that matters?
It's okay when you wake up by yourself so as long as you erased all incriminating evidence from your phone before doing so.
14. Your bar tab
Don't even look, just hand over your credit card and sign the receipt with your eyes closed.
15. The price of basically anything
When you aren't checking your bank account, the world is your oyster... $100 shoes? Sounds good. And a $200 dress? I'll take five.
16. Your roommate's food in the fridge
It's all communal when you share the same refrigerator, isn't it?
17. The Victoria's Secret Fashion Show
Would you rather be hungry or happy?!
18. The tip jar at Starbucks
You messed my order up three times, no I will not put my 11-cents of change in that jar — you deserve nothing!!
19. Your period
Sure, he may notice it, but if you keep pretending nothing's happening maybe he'll forget about it. Yeah, not likely...
20. The election
Pop quiz: Are you registered in the state in which you currently live or where you went to college and were finally of voting age?
21. How greasy your hair is
Skip the mirror and grab a ponytail or hat. If you and the world can't see it, then it doesn't exist.
22. People who try and stop and chat with you
"Just look down, just look down... if you make eye contact they WILL talk to you."
23. Emails from your boss on the weekend
Yeah, no thank you... I'll get to that on Monday.
24. Your reflection the morning after a heavy night of drinking
Nobody wants to look at the mascara that certainly migrated down south over night. Just wipe your eyes and pray it goes away before checking yourself out in the mirror.
25. The gym
If you don't look at your gym membership, you can't feel guilty for ignoring it.
The only reason people check their voicemails is to eliminate the notification on their iPhones.
Whose brilliant idea was it to start putting the calories on every menu item? Do you actually think people want to know what the real caloric number is in penne alla vodka? We aren't eating that to be healthy...