Losing things when you're drunk may seem like (and probably is) the worst thing in the world because for the life of you, no matter how hard you try, you can never find it.
Retracing your steps seems impossible because you don't even know where the F you were the previous night.
Have you ever tried "Find my iPhone" when you're blacked out? Yeah, that sh*t doesn't work. All you end up doing is sending yourself on a wild goose chase and annoying every single one of your friends.
When you lose things soberly, it's a whole different story. Sure, the end result may be the same but the actual chances of finding your lost item are much greater since you are thinking clearly.
Your friends won't be as annoyed with you because, hey, it was just an accident compared to when you're drunk and it's clearly all your own fault.
If you're drunk, your emotions go one of two ways: 1) You cry hysterically and insist on a city-wide manhunt, or 2) You don't give a sh*t whatsoever and continue drinking.
There's a huge difference in the way you lose your phone and how you react to it if you're drunk or sober, and today, I'm going to shed some light on this awful situation.
If you are unable to figure out last night's chain of events, you were drunk. If you are able to retrace your steps, you were sober.
The problem with losing your phone during a night out is that you really have no idea at what point it disappeared. It could've been at the bar, in the taxi or at the pregame -- the options are basically endless.
You try and reach out to all the people you were with to see if they could shed some light on your unfortunate situation, but as you expected, they remember even less than you do.
Accept the loss, call insurance and head straight to the Apple store -- hey, at least this will give you a great excuse to upgrade.
Losing your phone soberly is an easier task because you probably can retrace your steps. You still might not find your phone at the end of your journey, but at least you can say you actually made a valiant effort. Just call every bar you went to and say a little prayer they found your phone.
If your phone was on loud, you were drunk. If your phone was on silent, you were sober.
You would think this would be the opposite, but it isn't. If you are going out at night and you know you're going to be running around, you are well aware you won't be feeling your phone vibrate... ergo the volume goes up.
You want to hear the "ding" of a text and you don't want to miss a call from your one friend who is always running late. Somehow in this chaos, however, your phone has disappeared.
But luckily (hopefully), in this sense, you have a greater chance of being reunited with your lost phone because it won't stop ringing.
Why? Because your drunk ass won't stop calling it. Even though you aren't sure where exactly you lost your phone, someone, somewhere will most likely hear it.
On the flip side of things, how many times have you soberly lost your phone while it was on vibrate or silent? Probably 100 percent of the time.
Let me guess where it was -- deep inside your couch. The best thing is just to lie on the floor of every room you possibly could've lost it in, make everyone STFU and feel it out -- literally.
If you made every single one of your friends drop what they were doing to look, you were drunk. If you are stuck looking alone, you were sober.
A sober person realizes it is her responsibility and hers alone to embark on the quest of finding a lost phone. She involves the steps from above (retracing her steps) to aid in her search as she curses herself for putting it on vibrate mode.
A drunk girl stops what everyone around her is doing so that they can come to her rescue. "It's basically like a scavenger hunt at the bar," she tries to convince her friends as she drops to her knees and crawls around the dirty floor.
After her friends spend five fake minutes of looking, they resume their positions at the bar and throw back extra tequila shots since their stupid drunk friend caused them to lose their buzz.
If you unloaded the contents of your purse onto the floor, you were drunk. If you simply looked in your bag and saw it, you were sober.
"OMG, CALL MY PHONE!" said every frantic person, ever.
Sober people bug out when they "lose" their phones. This tends to happen on a pretty regular basis because their phone is actually just buried under a bunch of sh*t in their purse, on the bed or floor.
It's not actually lost but the five minutes you spend looking for the phone are spent in a hectic state. Relax, look through your purse -- yes, the side pocket you never use -- and voilà, you've found your phone.
Drunk people throw all rationale out the window the moment they take their first shot. If they cannot find something at any point during the night, you better believe they will be dumping out the contents of their purse on whatever surface they can find -- most typically the floor, if not the bar counter.
They don't care whose space they are invading or if they lose more items in the process. They want their phone and they want it now.
Top Photo Courtesy: Tumblr