The Hungover Games: The Odds Are Never In Your Favor

Getting obliterated the night before and waking up feeling worse than Lamar Odom after his latest binge-gone-public is our real-life version of “The Hunger Games.”

We’re weak from lack of nutrients, tired from lack of sleep and unable to function from lack of brain cells. In short, it kind of feels like we got shafted and are living in District Twelve.

Even the simplest of tasks, like making it to the corner bagel shop, seem harder than getting along with that competitive midge, Peeta Mellark. While we don't have to kill anyone to survive, we do want to kill ourselves just to end the monstrous headache.

Where’s Elizabeth Banks to comfort us when we need her? Where's Katniss to volunteer and relieve us from the epic struggle between head and body? Why do we keep offering ourselves as tributes to the drinking gods?

We are led to believe that the nighttime is when things get rowdy, but the morning after a wild night out is when the real games begin. Feeling like your head is The Girl on Fire, literally? Advil is your bow. Gatorade is your arrow.

Brace yourselves, it’s the weekend’s Hungover Games and judging from your impressive keg stand, there will only be one survivor. May the odds be ever in your favor!

You wake up disoriented, thirsty and overwhelmingly nauseated

Why are you still drunk and what happened last night?

Clumsily reach for the nearest bottle – drink vodka instead of water

This sets you back. You must hydrate. You recall that wicked time you drank an entire fish bowl and decide that right now is way, way worse. Shudder as images flash of you mixing tequila and bourbon last night.

Thinking of alcohol triggers the urge rising in your throat

Temporarily suspend your dreams of water because you’re about to reverse osmosis.

Sprint to the bathroom

You’re losing The Hungover Games to porcelain.

The world seems like a cruel place

You climb back into bed, head throbbing and feeling miserable. Why you? You don’t want to waste an entire weekend nursing your hangover. Resolve to make it out after an episode of “Scandal.”

Think back to your only (and coincidentally last) memory of the night:

Should have listened to your friends more carefully?

You become hyper-aware of how badly your head hurts

Where is Haymitch when you need him to coach you through this? Where are your sponsors to send medicine and gifts?

You find your phone and read the incriminating text messages you sent last night

You’re starting to regret that 3 am booty call and embarrassing drunk text to your parents. Vow to lock your phone and never bring it out with you again.

False sense of confidence leads you to believe you can get dressed

After vomiting last night’s dinner plus this morning’s birth control pill, you’re feeling especially thin. Is it just you or does your oversized sweater look more ‘waif-chic’ than ‘pudgy-girl-hiding-in-layers’ this morning? Lenny Kravitz’s Cinna would totally approve.

You stood up way too soon

It’s okay. Take a bong rip. Try again.

Your friends are all ready for brunch. You promise to be there. No FOMO

You won’t let you or your friends down. The Hungover Games will not stop you. You are stronger than the competition. You’ve been training for this since your first house party when you were fifteen and had to shady puke at your family mall outing the next morning. This will be nothing.

Sunglasses? Check. Coffee? Check

Armed and ready to take on the world. Sort of.

Dodging familiar faces on the way to brunch

You’re about to stop ‘n’ grub, not stop ‘n’ chat. Running into an old friend when you’re hungover is like getting your vagina waxed: painful, inconvenient and rushed, but once it’s over, you’re glad you did it.

To your friends’ surprise, you make it just in time for the recap

The Hungover Games, be damned! You were determined to recover. You nailed it.

Congratulations, you have survived The Hungover Games!

You definitely have a few bruises and might’ve left a friend behind, but you made it until next week when the cycle repeats itself all over again and you’re back in the ringer. Don’t forget this series is a trilogy, and there’s a revolution coming. Remember what you learned this round because you’re going to need it for next Saturday.

Thanks for playing! You may now return to the Victors' Village that is your couch

Top photo credit: Kirill Was Here