Disclaimer: Before everyone gets their panties in a twist over the title, just hear me out. You’ll find I’m much more single-self-deprecating than boyfriend-hating, which is in everyone’s best interest but my own. WOOHOO!
Whether you want it to or not, becoming a "plus-one" inherently changes your lifestyle. You’ve got another person who takes priority, another reason to book a wax, and soon, your schedule is filled with boyfriend brunches and trips to the groomer.
You’re not sitting home binge-watching twisted dark comedies on Sundance Network while simultaneously hardcore Googling the guy you met at the pregame last night and wondering how long it takes for marijuana to go through your system.
Girls with boyfriends aren’t exactly missing out on much. It’s more for us single ladies who will cling on to these shortcomings to comfort ourselves and reaffirm that we still got something, even if we don’t got boyfriends. So, boo-yah!
Here are nine things girls with boyfriends are missing out on:
1. One-night stands
Who doesn’t love those mornings when we wake up disoriented, scrambling to find our bras and feeling like we just won an Olympic medal in the bedroom? One-night stands build character; they weed out the emotionally weak and stage-five'ers.
Plus, f*ck 'n' chucks give you a chance to have unmeaningful, sometimes embarrassing sex with a total stranger who you never have to see again, except while sex-cringing on your walk to work -- Who wouldn’t want that?! If nothing else, one-night stands provide great hookup stories to tell our friends (cough, cough, something coupled people are clearly lacking).
2. Not shaving for week(s)
For some reason, motivating ourselves to shave our legs has become an even bigger challenge than getting dressed to go to the gym. Guess who wins out when you’re single? Your hairy legs. When you have a boyfriend, there’s no such thing as, “I’ll wear pants, instead. No one is taking them off, anyway.”
3. Crying because you are alone
Yes, we’ve outdone them again! Wifed-up girls might have lots to cry about (consistent cuddling, unconditional love from a man other than your dad, the extinction of unicorns, wahhh), but they don’t have the feelings of profound loneliness, despair and heartache to draw upon.
We, on the other hand, are able to enjoy the much more soul-crushingly-sad kind of sobbing into our pillows on yet another reality-TV-watching night alone. So take that!
(Tucks tail in between legs, slowly backs away and sobs...)
4. Flirting with the bartender
So maybe girls with boyfriends actually do this, too, but we don’t kiss and tell.
Flirting with the bartender is like playing the real-life version of Barbie and Ken; it’s always harmless, good, clean flirting that ends in a lot of fantasy and what ifs.
5. Not going down while on your period
Sometimes you just want to take a week off to be bitchy and bloated, not unlike Ms. Trunchbull. You don’t need to explain your salty mood to your boyfriend after you irrationally break up with him for ordering vanilla fro-yo instead of friggin’ CHOCOLATE! Plus, you’re off the hook from oral responsibilities, since you ain’t got nobody to blow, heaux.
6. Dating Apps
Mmm, gotta love opening yourself up to random strangers on the Internet and then meeting up with them in person -- everything your mother told you not to do when you were seven.
Attached girls can’t casually troll their mobile phones for potential hookups that will probably end in the heebie jeebies while their boyfriends are across from them (and vice versa, gentlemen). But, yay, we single ladies can!
7. Late-night pigging out
I mean, technically, coupled girls can stuff their faces and gain weight (to the horror of their boyfriends), but it’s not without consequence. When solo women pack on a few after some week month-long "healthy hiatuses," the only person they need to face is themselves. Sweet(tooth)!
8. Being boy crazy
Chasing boys up in da club is fun! Yeah, I said "da club." Whatchu gon do ‘bout it?
When a girl with a boyfriend starts becoming jealous of her friends that are playing the field, it can only mean one thing: She’s ready to join her single sistas again.
9. Random text messages from unknown numbers
Unless it’s Duane Reade and your prescription is ready, girls with boyfriends aren’t receiving cryptic messages from unknown numbers. No, they are kind and generous enough to let us single gals give out our numbers to complete strangers who then go on to harass you, thinking you “broke up with them” after only two drinks… Errr, what?
Top Photo Courtesy: We Heart It