The 12 Best Ugly Cries That Every Girl Secretly Loves
Who cries because they are in real pain anymore? Sobbing because you’re an emotional basket case, however, is much more trendy.
Here are the 12 best types of ugly cries. Let us know which one is your personal favorite:
1. The Classic
While most people believe the ugly cry is concentrated in the eyes, it is really the lips that are the cornerstone of this heinousness. And who better to demonstrate than our favorite on-her-knees celeb, Kim K?
As you can see, the classic ugly cry is brought on by an unbearable emotional overload, which causes the person to lose all control over facial expression. Your tears are so laughably unattractive that people have a hard time taking your concerns seriously. You know you’re classically ugly crying when no one feels bad for you.
2. The Dark and Stormy
When your tears taste like 80 proof and fish bowls, you know you’re drunk crying. The sneaky thing about the drunk cry is it can be brought on by anything -- even things that aren’t actually happening, like when you falsely believe your friends just left you.
Perhaps one of the ugliest of the ugly cries (inebriation lends itself nicely to sobbing inhibition), the drunk cry also involves ruining as many other people’s nights as possible while still being able to pretend like nothing happened in the morning. Visible bra straps and matted hair are optional.
3. The Biggest Loser
Which is more reason to ugly cry: "The Cupcake Girls" were able to finish their frosting in time or the fact that you are sprouting genuine tears over a manufactured reality TV outcome? One moment you’re innocently watching "The Bachelor" creep on 20 different chicks and the next you’re bawling your eyes out as he whispers, “I hardly know you, but I love f*cking you” sweet nothings to his one true love.
Why am I crying right now? Hmm, maybe because 462-pound Ruben Studdard just took an entire episode to perform forty jumping jacks and lost a small child in the process? If that doesn’t tug at your heart strings, then you’re probably Karl Lagerfeld.
4. The Funny One
Let it be known: Even little miss perfect, Gwyneth, ugly cries, only when it’s about herself though (and it gives us immense pleasure to watch on GIF repeat). Which brings us to “The Funny One” or the ugly cry you have when you’re laughing at yourself.
This is usually reserved for bitches who are already cute, a la Gwyn, because who can actually get away with drawing that much attention to yourself other than really socially-unaware good-looking people? You just did something so offensively ridiculous that if you weren’t laughing about it, you’d be crying. But oh wait, you already are.
5. The Stretch
This ugly cry got its moniker because it’s the type of sobbing that hurts so good, not unlike the feeling you get after stretching sore muscles. Maybe your tear ducts have been majorly constipated or maybe the sun shines out of your ass, but either way, you are seriously overdue for a good, ugly cry.
So you go home to the privacy of your pillow, put on your trigger music (British acoustics anyone?) and let it all out... And then take a selfie of your face and Snapchat it to your friends with the caption: “pretty hurts.”
6. The Heartbreaker
Here’s where shizz gets real ugly. The only way to mend a broken heart is to weep until you’re over it. The Heartbreaker can go on for weeks, causing friends to temporarily disband you from the group and put you on probational suicide watch.
It is typically accompanied by countless glasses of whatever you can get your hands on and hours of Facebook stalking. When you are ugly crying on The Heartbreaker level, it’s best to leave you to your comfort food and memories of a happier time.
7. The Dream Come True
I’ll never forget the time I saw 'Yonce perform live. I wailed like a little schoolgirl getting her pigtails pulled and boy was it incredible (my ugly cry, not Queen B). Sometimes you just can’t hold back your overwhelming emotions when you finally see your idol in the flesh.
Especially one whom you’ve listened to on repeat dancing naked in the mirror while your hair mask deep conditions. It’s almost like you two are best friends. And just the very thought of that happening makes you want to weep. Quick, put on “Halo”!
8. The End Of An Era
You lost something -- a soccer game, a cell phone, your mind. Regardless, something is gone and you can never get it back and now you’re about to totally lose your sh*t. It finally sets in that that chapter has closed and all you’re left with is yourself and you currently suck at the moment. And waaaahhhh life is so hard sometimes.
9. The Oscar
You know when people say, “I’m so happy I could cry” and then they do and then all the people around them don’t know how to react and feel kind of uncomfortable? That’s this ugly cry.
Perhaps you received really, really amazing news that you got admitted to a competitive program or landed a solid job or aren’t pregnant and that kind of accomplishment just can’t be celebrated using one emotion alone. Indeed, hearing you were accepted into fat camp deserves both smiling and sniveling.
10. The Drama Queen
A personal favorite -- who doesn’t love the hyperbole of girl drama? This is the kind of ugly cry during which you’re really forlorn, wallowing in your misery, with the tears haphazardly falling from your face as you trudge home in the rain.
You just said goodbye to the one you love and left him on a jet plane never to be back again and, what is that we hear? Is that “Fix You” by Coldplay playing in the background? Why yes, yes it is. And cue the one-teared mascara drip as you longingly stare out the window.
11. The Visiting Day
You’re reuniting with your pal after his brief stint abroad (or in jail or rehab or whatever) and you just can’t hold back the waterworks. When people stare at you quizzically in public, you’re all "We’re having a moment here, okay?!" A slow motion run-and-hug really rounds out the scene.
12. The Shawshank
You know where we’re going with this one. Maybe Jack and Rose get you every time or the old man in "Up" is your jam, but everyone has experienced the mental anguish of a true tear jerker. Sometimes, we’ll even pop in “Million Dollar Baby” just to see how far we get without crying because that’s how entertaining our lives are.
Honorable Mentions:
- The one where you taste something extraordinarily delicious.
- The comedown.
- The one where you’re overworked and stressed. No one likes this cry, though.
- The one at work in the bathroom on a different floor.
- The one in the principal’s office. Ah, takes me back.
- The one when you’re falling in love so hard it hurts.
- The dressing room. Let’s forget about this one, shall we?
- The one where you see yet another list going viral on the Internet. This happens daily.
