They say the grass is always greener on the other side. But for you curly-haired ladies who long for straight, smooth locks like mine (and many others), I can guarantee you that the grass on this side is dull and withering -- literally and metaphorically.
Straight hair is flat and lifeless. "Boring" is the only option when it comes to an actual hairstyle.
And, sure, "boring" might be easier to work with, but every woman knows that hair is one of her most important physical attributes, and boring hair means a boring lady. It's just science.
In fact, I once had a boyfriend tell me he preferred wavy hair -- and that, my dear friends, is just one of the many struggles of being a girl with naturally straight hair. Here are some more.
1. There's no volume at all
The worst part about straight hair is the lack of volume. Even when you cut it short, it still ends up flattening.
You can try to tousle it around and flip it upside down a million times while you blow dry it, but 10 minutes later, it will inevitably fall flat on your face.
There is literally no point in trying to give any kind of life to straight hair because it is permanently brain dead.
2. It's usually thin
Naturally straight hair usually means thin hair, which means as we age, we will probably lose our hair quickly. And any attempts at curling or straightening -- yes, straightening already-straight hair is a thing -- will expedite this process.
For me, this just means I don't do my hair, ever, which means I'm hilarious when I actually try to because I legitimately do not know how. It appears as though straight hair not only ages me quickly, but keeps me in a time capsule of being 10 years old and having no idea how to use a curling iron.
3. There's no variety
Straight hair has one option: straight. No amount of gel, wax, hairspray, sea salt sprays or deluxe curling iron techniques will give our hair any kind of lift, wave, curl or body.
Even if we try, those gels will weigh our hair down and make it look greasy and those "curls" will inevitably die, causing us to look like we are trying to grow out dreadlocks.
4. Our bathrooms are filled with gels, waxes, hairsprays and sea salt sprays that have never been used more than once
Remember those aforementioned products that promised you the perfect textured beach wave and a life of luscious locks?
You fell for those sneaky commercials and the women featured in them whose hair is already thicker than a horse's tail, and now, hundreds of dollars later, those "miracle" products sit, rotting, sad and alone, in your bathroom, never to be touched again.
5. It's made us resent looking neat all the time
Straight hair looks neat and tidy; there's no denying this. And this might come in handy for interviews and fancy engagements. But I hate when my hair is too neat on a daily basis (and yes, I'm aware that this is definitely a weird thing to hate).
It's boring and uptight, two qualities that nobody wants. I'd like to have my hair reflect who I am: a little messy, a little uncontrollable and definitely not straight-edged.
6. Rain makes us look like a wet rat
I know you curly-haired women hate the rain because it makes your hair poofy, but at least rain water gives you some kind of volume. For us straight-haired women, rain plasters our hair to our head and glues little strands all around our face.
It makes us look like we just emerged from a sewer, and we will look like that until our hair dries, at which point we will continue looking like that until the end of time (see #1).
7. Wind is the enemy
Wind-blown hair is one of the most media-driven portrayals of sex appeal. I don't know a single straight-haired woman who wouldn't love to go to the beach, let down her hair and give the wind permission to do as it may. But we can't.
When you mix our hair with wind, the thin, straight pieces somehow knot together into an angry, untamable bird's nest.
It is at this point that we have to give up and put our hair in an ugly, matted bun on top of our heads, never to be taken down again. It's truly unfortunate. Bye bye, sex appeal.
8. It gets tangled easily
Actually, forget wind. Straight hair gets tangled no matter what, so you always have to have a brush or comb on hand.
Everyday things work against us and turn our hair into a bundle of nightmares: putting on the hood of our jacket, tying a scarf, trying on different hairstyles throughout the day, lying on a couch, taking a nap -- the basic activities that knot up our hair are endless.
9. It accumulates enough grease to oil a car...
Straight hair is normally silky smooth, so straight-haired women have a bad habit of touching it throughout the day. It must be nice to be able to run your fingers through your hair, though, right? Wrong.
The straight-haired woman who touches her hair all the time (which, let's be honest, is every straight-haired woman) better be prepared to wash her hair every single day or face the wrath of disgusting, unsanitary grease. Fashion magazines who tell us to only wash our hair every other day have never understood greasy hair.
10. And enough static to power an office building
Who doesn't love looking like she's just been electrocuted? Straight-haired women are more likely to experience static than curly-haired women.
To get static hair, all straight-haired women have to do is rub their hair against a certain kind of fabric that their heads don't like.
This kind of fabric is unpredictable to the common woman, who really is just trying to put on this f*cking sweater and go about her day without her hair disagreeing with her choice of attire.
Static also comes from brushing hair too much, too. But, if we don't brush our hair, it just gets knotty (see #8). We can't win.
11. When our roots start growing in, it's extremely obvious
Straight-haired women really lucked out when the grown-out-roots look became a thing (think ombrés).
But back when people used to talk sh*t about those who didn't touch up their roots frequently, the straight-haired woman either had to suffer the ridicule or spend hundreds of dollars getting her roots fixed at the salon. It was truly a lose-lose situation.
12. And, finally, ponytail dents
IS THERE ANYTHING WORSE THAN PONYTAIL DENTS? I didn't think so. Straight-haired women, you get me.