You must be at least this tall to read this. Seriously, though... this isn't the place for 5'7" girls to be like, "but I was taller than a few boys in high school."
This is for my 5'9" and above ladies who always had to stand in the back of class pictures and hit the middle school dance circuit with a short boy's head planted on your surfboard, flat chest.
That pain is real. And now that we've undoubtedly grown up to be sexy ladies with long legs, our struggles are still pretty real -- but realistically, would we rather be short?
No. Absolutely not. So what kind of trouble has being abnormally tall gotten us into in life? Loads. In fact, these 19 are only just the beginning...
1. When you have to ask for a guy's height on Tinder
So you've swiped right and you think you might finally be Tinderella. This guy's perfect in every single way, as evidenced by his four grainy photos and 30-word bio. True love is one message away... until you find out he's 5'6.
2. When you slip on a pair of 5-inch heels
It's scientifically proven you get an extra boost from being this close to the sun. There's also something infinitely gratifying about suddenly towering over everyone you encounter. Nothing says, "I'm better than you" more effectively than a pair of pumps.
3. When you see a tall guy with a short girl, you get all "Save the Last Dance"
Short ladies, there's just got to be a code of conduct here. You've got your pick of the slightly-stunted litter; you stay on your side, and we'll stay on ours and no one has to get to two-steppin'.
4. When you go out with only your short friends
Sure, you stand out -- and you suddenly have every right to bypass the heels -- but there's just no way you don't look slightly out of place, shaking it on the dance floor when the rest of your entourage is at your elbows.
5. When you meet another tall girl in the bathroom at the club
Maybe when you're sober this moment can get a little bit competitive, but as with all semi-drunk encounters in a club bathroom, immediate slurred compliments lead to wasted camaraderie.
You and your giant are immediate besties, and if you somehow manage to find her on Facebook, you might even remember meeting her when you recount your night over drunk brunch the next day.
6. When short men are intimidated by you
Some men find tall women to be a challenge; however, there are the men who cower in fear at our Amazonian beauty.
7. When "we're the same size lying down" doesn't work out
Having a serious conversation about which one of you should actually be big spoon might not exactly set the mood.
8. When you meet a guy who makes you feel short
You've spotted a seriously tall male across the room and you know you've finally found someone -- literally and figuratively -- on your level. You give all the right cues and all the appropriate "we're both really f*cking tall" sign language... until his 5'1" girlfriend steps in and you're back to #3.
9. When you forget your short friend is even there
Normally, you don't surround yourself with gremlins, but every now and then, a short one slips through. She's probably nice or something, maybe she has a great car... either way, she scares the hell out of you when she taps you on the shoulder. YOU'RE STILL HERE?!
10. When you try shower sex and end up in a heap of vulnerability on the floor
After you've watched a moderate amount of your blood and dignity wash down the drain, you remind yourself there's no shame in failure.
11. When absolutely no piece of clothing is made for you
Let's be real, you've been rocking high waters since you could still reasonably call them capris. Then the 90s ended and, for some reason, people still wanted you to wear clothes.
If you're like me, you swore off pants decades ago, otherwise you're just a life-size Barbie in regular Barbie's fitting room.
12. When a really short guy hits on you
Life is too short to spend on short men. I don't mean to sound cruel, but I don't like to date down.
13. When you take a group picture with all your friends
You've perfected the awkward bend, and even have the clutch squat move to pull out in particularly dire circumstances. Any which way, you're going to look huge, so you might as well embrace it.
14. When people assume you played basketball and/or volleyball
You probably did.
15. When your small friend lends you clothes
You can marvel over your short friend's wardrobe all day, but fitting into any shirts marked for the petite is like squeezing the last bit of toothpaste onto your brush: unrewarding, and slightly blob-ish looking.
16. When you couldn't be anything pre-packaged sexy for Halloween
No pre-packaged Halloween costumes even remotely cover your torso, never mind any portion of your legs, so you were forced to actually try and be scary on Halloween. You're a stronger person for it, I promise.
17. When your friends use you as a landmark when other friends are lost
You're actually just the Marco Polo of your group. Any time anyone gets lost, someone is on the phone describing you in detail. You know you're really tall when people you don't know start doing this, too.
18. When you have to deal with low ceilings
This world wasn't made for tall people... while all your friends pass under trees unscathed, you're whacked with branches.
While everyone else slides out of the cab easily, you're stuck doing an awkward hunchback out of the car door. Regardless, you'll be killing the Limbo at weddings for years to come.
19. When people ask you if Taylor Swift is your role model
YES. If only I could dance like her, too...
Top Photo Courtesy: Columbia Pictures/White Chicks