Valentine's Day for single people is like those random Jewish holidays you only celebrate if you’re extremely religious -- otherwise, it’s another normal day.
Anyone who's single this Valentine's Day sees the day for what it truly is, another Saturday night to do whatever the hell you want.
Just because the restaurants will be filled with couples celebrating their two-month anniversary and the subways will have more PDA than a Miley Cyrus concert doesn’t mean you’re not going to enjoy your night.
Because, let’s be real, whatever these coupled-up bitches are asking for this Valentine's Day isn’t anything you (or they) actually want.
What good is a stuffed bear and a box of chocolates when what you really need are the abs of that girl at the gym and your ex-boyfriend not to have changed his HBO Go login.
Contrary to Hallmark's PG beliefs about what this holiday is about, what women really want from it is a little more than cheesy cards and red roses.
We don't just want romance and adoration, we want a man who is going to be faithful and sex that isn't going to leave us wondering when it's going to get better.
Single women, however, have a few other things on their minds. They aren't stressed about how much money their nonexistent boyfriend is going to spend on them or what dress they're going to wear that's the perfect combination of slutty and respectable.
They're worried about things, like how long those batteries will last in their vibrators and if the man on Tinder is actually a stunt double for Liam Hemsworth.
Because even though we aren’t celebrating the “holiday,” if we were, we definitely wouldn’t be asking for these pansy-ass gifts of love and devotion.
Nah, we need something realer than candy hearts and lingerie from Victoria’s Secret that just reaffirms the fact that we will never look like any of its Angels.
We need respect, a new credit card and for everyone to stop asking about our relationships status. That's what women really f*cking need this Valentine's Day... and for all of you reading this who aren’t single, just get the hell out of here.
1. To be left alone.
2. An orgasm... Like, a real one.
3. A vibrator that tells you you’re beautiful.
4. Your best friend's new boyfriend to contract something.
5. No Instagram for the day.
6. Chocolates that have no calories.
7. Someone to eat your box (of chocolates).
8. Starbucks Delivery!!!!!
9. The missing sock from the dryer.
10. Delivery without having to get to the door.
11. Restaurants without prix fixe menus.
12. Jennifer Aniston's body at 40.
13. A Tinder for men who want relationships.
14. An app that tells you how many of your exes are spending the holiday alone.
15. A yoga mat that also envelops you in a hug.
16. A husband of the pillow variety.
17. An extra day added to the weekend.
18. A big enough trash bag to throw away all of your ex-boyfriend's love letters.
19. A fire pit to burn all your ex-boyfriend's hoodies.
20. Someone to confuse you for Kate Moss.
21. The liver of a college freshman.
22. Time Warner Cable.
23. No periods ever again... or at least no more stains.
24. A high-speed Internet connection.
25. A new zip code.
26. Adderall that works until you want to sleep.
27. A "Sabrina The Teenage Witch" marathon.
28. A boyfriend sweatshirt without the boyfriend.
29. iPhone cords that stretch 5 feet.
30. USB chords that plug upside down and right-side up.
31. Costco for sex toys, makeup and ASOS dresses.
32. Lip gloss your hair doesn’t stick to.
33. Legs that shave themselves.
34. A YouTube makeup tutorial that puts the makeup on for you.
35. A perfect fitting black bra.
36. The perfect hair.
37. A chair for your shower.
38. No wait for the bathroom line... ever.
39. Your doctor to finally hit on you while you're wearing that robe.
40. An upgraded shower head.
41. Megan Fox's face and body... basically, to be Megan Fox.
42. A full prescription bottle with magical refills.
43. A blank prescription pad.
44. A strip search by a cop who looks like Channing Tatum.
45. A small, controlled microwave fire that requires the presence of hot, shirtless firemen.
46. Parents who are proud of you.
47. Juice Generation that doesn't cost you your rent for the month.
48. A mandatory leggings dress code at work.
49. Makeup that takes itself off after you get wasted and pass out.
50. For everyone to stop asking you why you don't have a f*cking boyfriend.