Parenthood is a beautiful journey, but it's true what they say. It changes your life forever. Throughout this experience, my husband and I have joked about how the meanings of the terms we use are now totally different.
“Babe, can I get some bottle service?” really just means, “Please get your ass out of bed and tend to the baby this time. It's your turn.” Some things will never be the same, but I wouldn't have it any other way.
Here are 13 phrases that take on completely new meanings after you become a mother:
1. Bottle Service
Before Baby: It's something you get at the club, and it flows steadily from midnight until past 4 am. "Shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, everybody."
After Baby: While it still involves being up all night, bottle service takes on a whole new meaning after you have a baby. It means getting your butt up at 1 am, 3 am, 5 am and 7 am to deliver food to a very small, very loud little person.
Before Baby: They're just there. They're one of many erogenous zones. You don't think much of them before you actually need them.
After Baby: They are now the body part necessary for feeding your baby, and they tend to leak at the most inopportune moments. The nipple struggle for new moms is so real.
3. Netflix And Chill
Before Baby: “Netflix and chill” probably means getting together with your hook-up buddy or partner to ... well, you know.
After Baby: As a new mom, this means turning on "House Of Cards" once you finally get the baby down for the night. Then, you try to relax, but fall asleep from exhaustion instead. This leads to you waking up with a couch cushion imprint on your cheek.
4. No-Makeup Selfie
Before Baby: A no-makeup selfie is a carefully planned, well-lit selfie meant for social media. It's to show people you are a natural beauty.
After Baby: Now, this is every selfie you ever take. Who the hell has time to put on makeup?
Before Baby: It was a serious rager. You were partying all day, all night.
After Baby: This is when the poop in the diaper is just too much for the diaper to bear. For this diaper, the struggle is real. When you open said diaper, poop goes everywhere.
Before Baby: This is something that happens after you text your friends photos of beautiful food, beautiful decor or beautiful men.
After Baby: Drool becomes a daily reality when your baby is teething. The drool soaks through five layers of clothes and requires you to do loads of bib-full laundry daily. It often drips at the speed of water coming out of a leaky faucet, and it's 24/7.
Before Baby: All-nighters used to involve going out to dinner and a lounge for drinks. Then, you'd go to one club and then, another club. Then, you'd go to an after-hours club. Then, you'd finally go to breakfast since you'd be starving after all the drinking, clubbing and fun you'd just had.
After Baby: Now, an all-nighter involves you trying to eat dinner. But, you have to stop in order to rock the baby. Then, you bounce the baby. Then, you walk up and down the stairs with the baby. Then, you swing the baby.
All this is done in the hopes of putting the baby to sleep. All of a sudden, it's morning. Your baby is finally asleep, but you have to do it all over again the next day.
Before Baby: This is a refreshing reprieve where you close your eyes for a short period of time and awake rested.
After Baby: Now, a nap is a scheduled event that is supposed to happen two to four times a day. But, it is often preceded with crying, fighting or a downright refusal to go to sleep.
Before Baby: This was a ledger of your day that includes a calendar and lists of future events (i.e dates, parties, appointments, etc).
After Baby: This ledger is now filled with your day with the baby. It includes logs of eating, sleeping, peeing and pooping.
Before Baby: This is a gathering of people that often involves drinking, dancing and social enjoyment. It's something you probably attend every weekend (or at least twice a month).
After Baby: Now, this is a gathering that involves being surrounded by very small, very loud little people. It often includes screaming, running around and crying.
Before Baby: This is a beverage you enjoy with friends to unwind. You also drink this beverage solo, while you cook, clean, watch TV or engage in other such calm and relaxing activities.
After Baby: Add an "h" because you're not drinking anything. But, there is a lot of whining going on all around you. This makes an actual glass of wine much more necessary.
Before Baby: These are applications on your phone that you use to read the news, connect socially or just relax (eg. Tinder, Facebook, Instagram, Candy Crush).
After Baby: Now, these are applications on your phone that you use to keep your kids from causing a ruckus while you're out. Really, anything on your phone that keeps them quiet works in this case.
Before Baby: This is a night out with a significant other or potential suitor. It probably takes place at a nice restaurant, and it often includes cocktails or wine.
After Baby: This word is often preceded with the word "play." It's a daytime activity under the guise of "socializing" your children. It probably takes place at a playground or Chuck E. Cheese's. It's really just an excuse to speak to another adult for a few hours, and maybe even enjoy some cocktails or wine.