This Is What Actually Matters In A Penis, According To Men And Women

Let’s talk about my favorite topic in the world: dicks.

There is a very fine line (rock hard, if you will) dividing good peen from the not-so-great kind.

My friends and I have developed a system for discussing dicks. There are certain important factors we consider, including size, girth, shape, color and whether or not it’s circumcised.

Oh, and the man it’s attached to, of course. Regardless, we’re quick to rank everyone’s Johnson.

Gents, before you get all butthurt in the comment section I’d love to hear about how often you discuss a girl’s breasts or ass with your buddies.

While my friends and I rate dicks like it’s a job, I was curious to see what the other sex thinks.

In the name of science and genuine interest, I surveyed 30 of my friends and coworkers to figure out what exactly makes a good dick.

Girth is just as important as size.

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Unsurprisingly, an equal number of people voted for girth and size as the most-important qualities.

Basically, pencil dick isn't a crowdpleaser.

One female surveyor put it best:

In the words of Samantha Jones, it should be "long, pink" perfection. I'd say about 7 inches, with a girth as big as your middle finger to thumb.

Guys, get to measuring.

The gents have no idea what we're looking for.

When my male friends were tasked with figuring out what the ideal tallywhacker looked like, opinions were split.

The guys couldn't decide between the color, shape or girth as the most important component of any dick.

Although one man said he preferred his penises "adolescent," they really had no idea what we want and what we don't.

Let us help you figure it out, gents.

For ladies, size does matter.

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We might be into the motion in the ocean, but we care about the ship, too.

Size was tied with girth as the most important quality of a perfect Ron Swanson, but us ladies give a damn about those inches.

One girl described her perfect trouser snake as "long, thick and juicy."

However, most ladies did agree a yogurt gun shouldn't be too big.

One female surveyor might have summed it up best by saying her ideal penis is “big enough to protect me, but small enough to not kill me."

Sorry, Leviathan-like d*cks, but you need to measure up.

No one cares about your balls.

Virtually no man or woman who answered my survey said balls were the most important part of a man's private region.

In fact, more than 77 percent of voters agreed a penis is the most important part of the area. All of 22 percent claimed the most important aspect is how he uses what he's got.

Guys, stop obsessing over your cojones. No one cares.

Women like their man sans-turtleneck, unless that man is Drake.

Ladies like a man who keeps things trimmed. We're not talking about pubic hair.

After girth and size, the most important quality for women that his man umbrella is circumcised.

According to a female surveyor, the ideal peen should be "circumcised and girthy, with a clean area surrounding it."

Or, you know, belong to Drake. Whichever.