Passionate, Not Passive: 5 Reasons It's Okay To Be An 'Unchill' Girl

by Elite Daily Staff
Studio Firma

As if society hasn’t made it hard enough for women to just be themselves, somewhere between the “Crazy Girl” and “Cool Girl” labels, there has birthed a younger sibling: the “Chill Girl.”

We attached this negative word “crazy” to any girl who voiced her opinion or showed a hint of interest.

This not only homogenized all of us women into one “crazy” bucket, but it also gave us yet another label we needed to fight.

In a sea of seemingly crazy girls, being a chill girl has now become the coveted compliment. Chill means you don't start drama.

Chill means you don't fight back. Chill means all guys will want to hang with you, and all the girls aren't threatened by you.

Chill can take it, but is too passive (and too fearful of the other labels) to dish it.

Because it's better to be passionate and have an opinion.

Chill means you also have limitations on your accepted levels of caring – too much excitement or too many opinions on the matter, and you are no longer chill. You are stripped of your title.

But what we don’t recognize is that at least you are more of a person.

On the surface, chill is very innocent – there’s nothing wrong with having a laid-back attitude.

But somewhere along the way, chill became synonymous with "cool" and took on a completely different definition.

Because when you make something "cool," you make it exclusive to only a select few people; chill turned into a competition.

Those who want to earn the label have to keep giving up pieces of themselves until they become essentially faceless.

It’s like in school, when kids tried to one-up each other on how little they studied, as if being the most uncaring, least hardworking person on the planet makes you cooler or somehow less uptight.

It doesn’t. And especially in the case of chill, it just makes you really f*cking frustrating to make plans with.

Because chill isn't just being easy-going; it's being emotionless.

It’s having zero interests, zero stake in the matter, zero hobbies – you have reduced yourself to basically nothing.

What especially irks me is when guys (and even girls sometimes) praise another girl by saying, “She’s really chill.” What does that even really mean?! That she’s nice? That she’s funny? The mansplanation for it is,

“Yeah bro, we like her because she doesn’t speak up enough to piss us off.” She’s chill because she doesn’t talk back to them.

To be clear: Being emotionless does not make you cool. And though it might take some time for others to recognize, staying silent and going with the flow all the time makes you incredibly boring.

Because not being chill shouldn't mean you're crazy.

All because the opposite – having thoughts and expressing them – has become mislabeled as being “crazy.” We’ve created a binary framework of living for women.

If you aren’t “chill,” then you must be “crazy”; if you aren’t “hanging out,” then you must be super “uptight"; if you aren't a "cool girl," then you must be "awful."

Perhaps the biggest argument I ever had in my relationship was when my boyfriend said that I was “too chill.”

It shattered my beliefs about myself. Everything I had worked so hard to give up now felt like a waste.

“But I thought that’s what you liked about me?” I asked earnestly, not even realizing at the time how much worse that made it all sound.

I had been conditioned to believe guys wanted this chill girl – the one who got invited places because she wouldn’t object to the location, the one who went out all the time because she would always go along with the plan.

In hindsight, my boyfriend was helping me. After years of being taught by assh*le men and Disney movies that it’s better to be “chill” than to speak up for yourself, I had taken it too far and turned into the ultimate vegetable.

I didn’t really care about, well, anything. I couldn’t. I was a “Chill Girl.”

And in turn, I became the most boring girlfriend. “It doesn’t matter to me,” “I’m cool with whatever,” “Your call” became my staple phrases.

No wonder why I was being called out. My boyfriend wanted a challenging relationship with another person, not a robot clone of himself.

He wanted me to want something, to feel a certain way, to be my own person instead of the dozen other chill ones.

Because sometimes we want to be chill as a passing emotion.

When it’s not being used as a threat and instead takes on its intended definition, being a chill person can be a great quality. You’re an easy person to be around. A team player with a relaxed attitude.

You’re even able to use chill as a defense. If a guy is no longer interested in you, then it’s whatever.

If your boss isn’t getting it, then it’s not a big deal.

In some situations, we can strategically use our chill qualities to our advantage. And then it’s not exactly this polarizing effect, but rather a manipulation of our emotions.

It’s time we stopped equating chill as the pinnacle of cool; in reality, they have nothing to do with each other.

Because I'd rather be "unchill" than not give a f*ck about anything.

You can’t be chill about everything because then you just don’t give a f*ck about anything.

If being unchill means wanting something more, not being complacent with whatever is handed to you and occasionally getting into disagreements with people about it – that sounds a whole lot more fulfilling and exciting than living a passive, whatever kind of life.

Unchill girls don’t care about stigma. Now that’s pretty chill.