Guilty As Charged: 8 Comments We Never Want To Admit To Saying

You know it, I know it, our friends probably know it.

Hands up, who can admit to saying at least one of the following phrases before?

"It's okay, I'm over him."

This is closely followed by the sister meaning of, "I'm still trying to convince myself I am over him."

Okay, you got me, so I'm not quite over him yet. I've made a valid step forward and deleted his messages, though. Well, most of his messages. I don't read over those and dream indefinitely of the what if.

You're confusing me with someone else. Definitely.

"You know what? I haven't checked his profile in weeks."

Spoiler: Yes, I have. There's also a strong probability I did it just a few seconds before this was asked. If not, I've definitely just done it now because you just reminded me.

So really, it's your fault. That's my justification, anyway. Please roll with it and move on.

"We're just casual at the moment."

Our relationship is like a really well-worn pair of jeans, and I'm fine with that. Casual is cool, and I am cool with being casual.

I have not been imagining what it would be like to meet his family, or what it would be like to pick out an apartment and a coordinating house cat together; I've not even been thinking about how adorable our holiday card would be.

Nope, instead, I actually love waiting the obligatory hours between texting you back. I don't even notice them anymore.

You know what? I legitimately don't mind when I haven't had a reply from you for days on end. I'm totally unfazed.

We are just being casual.

"I didn't spend any extra time editing that message so every emoji, word and punctuation choice read just so."

Not one bit.

That brilliantly witty, totally cool and casual message was absolutely off the cuff. There was no preplanning.

Okay, so maybe I Googled a word to make sure the definition fit the sentence, but that was all. I definitely did not check and recheck the amount of emoji you used in your last message to gauge how many I can use to not seem over the top and crazy.

I'm trying to make these monkey faces seem endearing, not like I've just opened the gates on a sanctuary and created mass monkey-carnage.

I also did not ask my friends for advice on what the amount of kisses you left meant. I did not.


Let's just move on...

"I'm sorry, I just saw this!"

That would be a true statement about three, four, five hours ago, when I actually saw it, but now it's beginning to reach that awkward stage.

I kind of want to go on WhatsApp, but can't because the blue ticks of doom will blow my cover and I'll have to respond to this damn message.

I'll just text people instead. #incognito

"I have been so busy all day."

I was definitely not in bed watching Netflix, scrolling through Pinterest, reading Twitter or painting my nails. I've been doing admin all day long.

So much admin; I'm practically swimming in admin. You know how it is with -- yeah, whatever, I haven't been busy at all. I'm all caught up on "OITNB," though.

"Oh, you live in the city? Totally didn't know that!"

Totally did know that.

I've scoured your social media like a prospective employer. I know you live in the city, your specific Starbucks order, what the last song you listened to on Spotify was and also that some girl called Megan keeps posting on your timeline.

But, for the sake of being seen as normal, I am totally clueless.

What was your name again?