9 Questions About Movie Heroine Hygiene All Women Want Answered
Last summer, a guy friend and I watched “Jurassic World" in theaters. He was there for the dinosaurs, I was there for Chris Pratt. We were nerding out.
While I was totally able to suspend my disbelief over a giant, man-eating dinosaur and Chris Pratt as a dino whisperer, one thing seemed so totally out of left field that I couldn't look past it. Bryce Dallas Howard's character ran away from a wild Tyrannosaurus rex in what appeared to be 6-inch heels.
After the movie ended, I asked my guy friend what he thought about the chase scene. He didn't see the problem.
“Can't all women run in heels?" he wondered.
Once I got over my friend being a total idiot, I was kind of floored. I don't care what anyone says, no woman — whether she's a Victoria's Secret model or regular person — can sprint like that in heels and not die. As my podiatrist mother would say, it's a surefire way to break an ankle and end up in the ER.
This got me thinking. As women, we're expected to uphold totally unrealistic standards of beauty. Does the same hold true for movie heroines? I'm assuming even Katniss has body hair and Hermione gets her period. I'm sure watching a Bond girl shave her pits on-screen won't exactly make for riveting viewing, but at least it's real.
Directors, writers, producers, take note: My questions are below.
Do women ever get their periods?
To be fair, some TV shows address periods. “Mad Men” did, when Sally first got hers. So did “Game of Thrones” in it's own gross way with Sansa. But, outside of first-time periods indicating girls are ready to knock out a baby or two, literally no one talks about periods.
I'm pretty sure the Hunger Games would be a zillion times harder if they fell during Katniss' time of month. Fighting Voldemort would be kind of sh*tty if Hermione ran out of tampons in her giant knapsack while the gang hid out in the woods during the seventh film.
How do these women survive without access to bathrooms?
Does anyone outside of Moaning Myrtle use a toilet? Everyone in the movie, TV and book world must be constipated.
Hey, Princess Leia: Did they have bathrooms on Alderaan? What if Katniss had really explosive diarrhea after eating squirrel? Based on the evidence at hand, I'm assuming every major movie heroine has access to a lifetime supply of Pepto-Bismol.
Has everyone gotten laser hair removal?
Judging by what I've seen of Daenerys on television, I guess all Targaryens just fly dragons to the nearest spa in order to rid themselves of hairy pits and legs. Who cares about White Walkers and wars? There's body hair to lose!
The same goes for the ladies of “Divergent," “The Hunger Games” and any other post-apocalyptic teen fantasy. You know what's more important than survival and love triangles? Fighting body hair! Just as long as it's off-screen.
Where do these heroines get their manicures?
To be fair, some people just naturally have great nails. However, when you're fighting crime or running for your life over the course of days, having perfect nail beds and award-winning cuticles is beyond unrealistic.
Lara Croft, give me the name of your manicurist, STAT.
How does all that hair stay perfectly styled?
My bangs don't stay straight for more than two seconds when I'm outside, but Bryce Dallas Howard's in "Jurassic World" are flawless. To be clear, this is a woman running around escaping dinosaurs. Maybe it's the magical presence of Chris Pratt? Who knows.
More importantly, how is their hair always clean?
What dry shampoo are y'all over at "The Walking Dead" using? Your hair always looks so perfectly disheveled. You complain about trying to find running water to drink, so I doubt you're shampooing every single day.
Do heroines get acne?
I get that it's Hogwarts and there are spells for that sh*t, but how on earth did all those teenagers maintain perfect skin? They spending their days being blown around on broomsticks or covered in dirt during Herbology.
I feel a zit coming on just thinking about it.
How does their makeup never smear?
Nearly all post-apocalyptic movies have a scene in which the main character is under water. How does their mascara not smudge? Don't try to tell me they're going makeup-free -- everyone knows it takes at least 30 products to build a no-makeup look.
Come on, Katniss. What primer do you use?
Finally, does anyone brush their teeth? That's nasty.
When Katniss and Peeta make out in a cave during the first "Hunger Games" movie, their breath must be gnarly as f*ck. They spent days in the woods eating squirrels and drinking limited water. Think of the tartar! Think of the smell! But, when they open their mouths, all I see are Jennifer Lawrence's pearly whites.
Producers, directors, other important film and TV people -- please explain. For the love of women everywhere, we need to know.