Everything You Want To Say To The Period You Love To Hate

by Logan May

For as long as I can remember, I've been on birth control. No, my mom didn't force me to or anything because she had a fear I was having sex with my boyfriend when I was 16. In fact, it's the exact opposite. I was a tomboy, and one time, my long-term boyfriend (in my head) asked me if I was a lesbian.

Anyway, that's not the point. What's the point? Oh, right, the point is that I have always known exactly when that awful time of the month was coming.

Once those white sugar pills started I knew a storm was brewin'. Gross.

Ladies, we're all quite familiar with the week of our period: the cramps, the bloating, the desire to stuff every piece of food in our mouths. The weird poop and poop schedule. And the fact that our uterus kind of sort of hates us.

I've gotta say, for as familiar as that bitch is (that bitch being my period), I always seem to feel the same hatred for her every time she visits. She's like that annoying girl that shows up to every “girl's brunch” that has that annoying laugh, and annoying face, but she always tells you how pretty you are so you forgive her for being so annoying.

That's my period.

I've got a bone to pick with her and here's why:

She is a cock block

Now, I'm not saying that I totally refuse to have sex on my period. I'm a woman with needs, dammit. But, it makes it a little more annoying and challenging. I mean, laying down a towel before my boyfriend sticks it in is far from sexy. I have to really be cautious of what's going on down there and it's a pain in the ass.

She makes me act like a total bitch

I literally just had to text my boyfriend that I didn't want him to call me at all today because I knew I'd just be a bitch. Most days I act like a bitch because I choose to, but this is different. The control is totally out of my hands.

She ruins my diet

I have eaten jalapeno chips AFTER dinner every single night this week, and I'm just going to leave out the number of Oreos I've consumed.

She eliminates all white from my wardrobe

Can I wear white? Yes. Am I going to wear white? Only if I want to keep turning my neck every 10 minutes making sure that there isn't a spot of red on my tush. My anxiety cannot handle that. Might as well just wear all black all week.

She cramps my style

I love driving in traffic and randomly feeling my insides scrunch up together like a fist and keeling over in the fetal position.

She scares away my boyfriend

He knows when she's coming and he tries his best to avoid me in as many ways as possible. Usually I give him a warning to protect him from her wrath, but he is fair game if he sends me a meme in the middle of a cramp. JUST DON'T SPEAK OR LOOK AT ME, OK?!

She makes me tear up at the stupidest shit

Like when Tyler from "Hollywood Medium" told Jennifer Esposito that her dog was still very present in her life and is prancing around on the other side (if you haven't watched this show, it's amazing and ridiculous all in one).

She makes that one top button on my jeans absolutely unnecessary

Why are you there? I am going to unbutton you after every meal -- or even before the meal. You just shouldn't be there right now, OK?

Now, don't get it twisted: I respect my period. I enjoy being reminded that I'm not carrying a child, that's the BEST. But it doesn't mean I like it. And right now, since I'm currently only on day two, I'm going to complain about it as much as I can.