Nothing brings out the unfortunate aspects of our personalities like the holiday season.
There's something about exchanging the comfort of our apartments for sleeping bags in an aunt's overcrowded suburban house that makes us lose all ties to reality.
In everyday life, I'm responsible. During Thanksgiving and Christmas, I'm a one-more-glass-of-wine-having, fit-throwing, dairy-binging nutcase.
Alcohol may promise to ease the transition into an 18-hour day spent with relatives, but things almost always get out of control after that second glass of wine.
You're bound to be extra-tipsy at least a dozen times this holiday season. Each will be a bit different than the last.
"Midday Mulled Wine" Drunk
This drunk happens a few days before the holidays when you're getting early Christmas shopping done on a weekend afternoon and feeling a little sappy about the season.
Spiced wine seems like a great idea until you have to do the red-stained-teeth walk of shame back home and nap the evening away.
“Two Days Off Work In A Row” Drunk
In celebration of the upcoming freedom from your cubicle, you go a little wild at the wine bar.
This is followed by the annual pre-Thanksgiving hangover, which will make the train ride to your grandparents' home feel like the seventh circle of hell.
Ah, the holidays.
"No One's Drinking This Extra Bottle Of Wine” Drunk
You did the adult thing and purchased a red blend for the dinner table, but no one seems to notice your Emily Post-style etiquette move.
When everyone leaves the room to admire your grandfather's vintage postcard collection, it's your moment to pour a glass.
"Why Are You Still Single? You're Such A Nice Girl" Drunk
When Great Aunt Martha starts pestering you about dates, your options are twofold. Either sip your Merlot and stay calm, or tell her about the last guy you hooked up with.
This is alternatively known as the “When Are You Two Getting Married” Drunk. Both are equally bitter.
"Vulnerable Post-Break Up" Drunk
Let's face it, Great Aunt Martha is jamming her knobby fingers into the fresh wounds of your most recent breakup. The feelings rise in the back of your throat, so you decide to drink them away.
This drunk almost always ends in tears while you pretend to be peeing in the upstairs bathroom. You'll rally and head right back to the party.
"OMFG We Have None Of The Same Opinions" Drunk
When a distant cousin starts referring to Caitlyn Jenner as “he, she, whatever,” you know it's time to load up on the booze.
You may share the same genetics, but it's impossible to fathom how you could've grown up so differently. A fifth glass of Pinot Noir? Yes, please.
"Nothing In Common" Drunk
After initial questions about school and jobs, it will soon become apparent that you and at least a few family members are going to spend the majority of the weekend standing in awkward silence.
Splitting a bottle of Malbec is a sure way to find out you both love the same breed of dog or feel really vulnerable about your acne scars.
In the course one evening, you'll become fast friends.
"My Cool Aunt Pressured Me Into This" Drunk
She's like your best friend and older sister wrapped up into one. It only makes sense you adore drinking with this aunt.
But, when she dives into the Chardonnay rabbit hole, you've got no choice but to follow suit.
"I Haven't Eaten Food In Years" Drunk
You've been smelling mashed potatoes from the kitchen all day, but not so much as a single crumb of cheddar cheese has made its way to the living room.
You're pretty sure your mom wouldn't let you starve. But, hey, you'll have to subsist on Cabernet until then.
"Drown My Calories" Drunk
When you're finally ushered into the dining room, the array of thousand-calorie-per-serving foods is almost unbelievable.
The only way to eat everything in sight without wanting to immediately hop on the elliptical is to get so tipsy you'll forget to count calories.
"Self-Imposed Time Out At The Kids' Table” Drunk
You're feeling a little vulnerable a bottle and a half into dinner, so it's time to hide from well-meaning relatives. Escape to the kids' table between courses.
Middle schoolers never judge.
"I Just Need To Get Away From My Family" Drunk
The meltdown is a time-honored tradition that usually occurs a day before you're scheduled to hop a flight home.
The finish line is almost in sight, but you just can't pretend anymore. Sobbing is normal.