I’m going to let you guys in on a little fear of mine. Perhaps I’ve watched way too many Showtime family dramas or witnessed too many couples become repulsively comfortable with each other or -- yes, I’m admitting to it -- perhaps I am a product of overhearing too many conversations amongst men and women, complaining about their romance being dead.
This is one of my biggest relationship fears. That one day my partner and I will dutch oven each other as foreplay, and he’ll tweeze his nose hairs in front of me as I pick at ingrown hairs on my vag. That is horrifying. That level of grossness isn’t intimacy, it is a nightmare.
I’m not trying to set feminists back 10 years by defending the notion that we -- both women and men -- need to keep some behaviors private, regardless of how long you’ve been together.
It’s not because these actions are taboo or inherently wrong. Keeping your questionable behaviors to yourself is showing respect for your partner. Nobody wants to listen to you gab about yeast infections over dinner.
Be yourself, of course. But there are some things, no matter close and comfortable and open your relationship is, that need to be withheld from each other.
Here’s the sh*t you don’t do in front of your boyfriend.
1. Pee in the shower while you're in it together
Peeing in the ocean while he treads water in your vicinity? Fine. Nearly missing his leg with your yellow stream? Not. OK.
The presence of a floor (on which the pee will collect and you will stand in) does not make this behavior acceptable.
There’s not enough soap in the world that could wash away all the nitrogen from our bodies and wipe away the memories of when you went primal and peed on us. Don’t do it.
2. There should be no popping pimples of any kind
No popping your pimples in front of him. No popping each other’s pimples, using hard-to-reach places as an excuse.
No popping pimples anywhere near the kitchen. Just don’t do it, OK, promise? Now everybody take some rubbers.
3. Fart with glee
The minute you two start high-fiving each other’s farts is the minute all romance goes out the window. You’ve officially taken the relationship from sexy to smelly.
Dutch ovens are not foreplay. Accidents happen, but other than that, keep your sh*t to yourself. Literally.
4. Describe the details of your poop
Comparing the smell of your sh*t to something is only OK when Louie C.K. does it.
Anything involving poop, really, shouldn’t be brought into the bedroom. Keep that sh*t in the bathroom where it belongs.
5. Eat off the floor
Eating off the floor is like getting a nose job -- everybody does it, but no one talks about it. So don’t advertise your skills to your boyfriend.
You wouldn’t want to make out with your unwashed tiles either.
6. Share toothbrushes
It’s worse than swapping morning breath. Your mouth is a hot spring full of bacteria. Would you share toilet paper also?
7. Talk about your UTI or yeast infection
Same goes for his IBS or hemorrhoids. No one wants to be reminded that the same holes you perform oral sex on are also currently being treated with antibiotics for a nasty infection.
8. Pick your nose
We're not talking about a casual swipe of the nostril to relieve yourself of a pesky booger. We're talking about full-on digging-for-China excavation of your nose.
Politely excuse yourself and have a field day doing all these solo tasks alone while crapping your brains out on the toilet or something. Trust us, even if your boyfriend says it's not big deal and he doesn't care -- he does.
And the image of you implanting your finger in your nose like a baby embryo will never leave him.
9. Talk about your number
As far as he wants to be concerned, your vagina didn’t exist before him. He doesn’t find chatter of how your ex-boyfriend used to tease you with syrup funny, hot or entertaining. Save that part of your life for future blog posts.
10. Creep on each other's texts
Keep the spying to undercover operations or ask flat-out to see his messages. Tip-toeing around only makes you appear guilty.
11. Give a play-by-play of your period
No one deserves that. Tell a doctor. Or your mom when she feels nostalgic about not having her own anymore.
12. Hook up with someone else
We’d like to say this is common sense, but kids these days feel so entitled. Don’t hook up with someone else in front of your boyfriend. At least have the decency to wait until after you two are broken up.
13. Reveal a friend's secret
No matter how many of your own deep dark secrets you entrust him with, spilling the beans about a friend's is totally off-limits.
He doesn't need to know that she has inverted nipple anymore than you need to know that his friend has a curved penis. Remember, your boyfriend is dating you -- not your girlfriends.
14. Bash his mother
She may be crazy. She may have told you that she doesn't want you coming to Thanksgiving and not to bring anything -- including yourself.
She may have completely dissed you. To your face. On more than one occasion. In front of your boyfriend. But that still doesn't give you grounds to bad-mouth his mother in front of him.
At the end of the day, it's his mother and he loves her and has a weird loyalty to her. He'll appreciate you more if you make this easy for him.
15. Brag about someone who is flirting with you
While the validation that you're still hot and wanted even with a boyfriend is a cause for personal celebration, you might want to reconsider recruiting your boyfriend to feel happy for you.
He already knows you're hot and desirable, and so should you.