Our Response To The Infamous Sorority Girl Who Tries (And Fails) To Give Advice On Guys
Remember the psychopath from Delta Gamma at the University of Maryland who ripped her sorority sisters a new asshole via listserv for “being goddamn boners” (?) during Greek Week? Well, since she probably ruined her future in every other way, thank God she got a job writing for bro-bible! I have a feeling that she’s destined for greatness.
Anyway, her debut article, “A Guide to Getting a Guy to Text You the Morning After, By America’s Favorite Sorority Girl” (define ‘favorite’) is getting a lot of attention. It seems she has developed a strong fan following! For example, one of her fans commented on the article.
Seems like America is really loving her! I’m not going to lie, that comment pretty much sums up the article perfectly. This girl has literally no idea what she’s talking about. Basically, she’s encouraging women to be sluts so that she can keep her job writing for bro-bible. Newsflash Becca – girls don’t read bro-bible for advice unless they’re stupid.
The article is a 3-part guide that, according to a girl who got kicked out of her sorority for having a mental breakdown over themed socials, will make you a pro-texter. Clearly she’s totally sane and worth listening to. We thought it would be beneficial (and funny) to constructively critique the article…for everyone’s well being.
1. “Only Half Put Out”
This makes total sense, right? Cause there’s such thing as half putting out. We learned that when Regina George explained that she was half a virgin when she met Aaron Samuels. Martinson advises girls to “half-put out” to get the guy to text you the next day. She describes this as “Dance, stick your tongue down his throat, grab his junk for an over the pants handy, whatever, just don't go home with him. Yeah he might go home with someone else that night, but the morning after he's going to remember the girl that proudly displayed her thong on her back like the Mona Lisa at the Louvre while rubbing it on his junk.”
I don’t even know where to start with that one because it’s just too stupid. This whole situation just sounds off-putting. First of all, grinding and shoving your tongue down someone’s throat in the middle of the bar is something only blackout drunk freshmen in college do when they haven’t learned proper drunk etiquette yet.
According to Martinson, the expert, this will guarantee that he will text you because since you gave him an "over the pants handy" in the middle of a packed bar, he assumes that you will fully put out in the near future.
So, if he’s only texting you because he hopes that you’ll put out, why the f*ck don’t you just get it over with the first night? It honestly doesn’t make a difference whether you drunkenly go home with him from the bar the first night or the third night. It means the same thing either way… a drunk night at the bar. Oh and don’t forget… Martinson reminds us that since guys don’t give a sh*t about what we are studying, or anything we have to say that doesn’t involve him “getting his D wet,” you should just forget that you have any self worth and rock your thong like “Mona Lisa” (?)
2. “Run awayyy!”
Martinson’s second piece of expert advice is to go home in order to leave him wanting more. Thanks Becc, none of us knew what playing hard to get was before. Thank God we have you. Now I’m going to leave the bar and end my night early hoping that douchebag will text me the next day! NOT. The other option she gives us is to stay at the bar for the night, but to avoid the guy at all costs. Most normal girls are too busy actually enjoying their nights to play hide and seek. How about this one? Go with the flow. It’s not rocket science.
3. “The Day After”
Finally, Martinson assures us that if you follow her guidelines and the apocalypse doesn’t happen, this guy will text us the next day. I’m pretty sure that there’s a better chance of a guy not texting you the next day after he was blacked out at a bar than the apocalypse happening. The world would’ve ended a long time ago if this were true.
She warns us that the “wait 3 days before you text him” theory isn’t true. Since when has this theory even existed? Nobody I have ever known believes that. Becky is totally guilty of doing this! She then tries to sound cool by explaining that this guy won’t remember you after 3 days because she has been sober for that long and can’t even remember what happened 3 days ago.
Becc, are you okay? I think you have a memory problem. You probably shouldn’t admit that on the internet for everyone to read, but then again everyone knows that you threatened to “F*CKING ASSAULT” your sorority sisters if they cheered for the wrong team at Greek Week Olympics, so nothing you say from then on will surprise anyone.
Her next piece of advice is that we don’t invite this guy over to watch a movie the next night. I’m sorry, but does this even have to be said? Why would anyone invite someone who they met drunkenly in the dark, while grinding on them and giving them an “over the pants handy,” over to snuggle on a Saturday night? It probably doesn’t get more socially unacceptable than that.
She advises us that once he texts us, asking what we’re doing that night, we “sure as sh*t” respond with something that gives him the potential to meet up with us. This girl's choice of words cracks me up. Props Becca. Anyway, since this article seems to apply to a college Greek-life setting, there is a 90% chance that you will run into that guy at the bar again or that you'll be within a 5 minute vicinity of him throughout the entire night. Don’t feel the need to base your plan around “casually running into him” because chances are you probably will even if you don’t want to.
While earlier in the article she tells us that guys don’t give a sh*t about anything we have to offer other than getting his D wet, now she’s telling us to strike up a conversation so that he won't just try to get it in and actually appreciate us as a person. MAKE UP YOUR MIND. Oh, then she tells us to talk about sports if we can. So the key is to talk about stuff this dude would talk about with his boys, even if you really don’t give a sh*t about it.
So now this guy is into you because you "rocked" your thong like "Mona Lisa," gave him an OTP handy, shoved your tongue down his throat, half put out, didn’t speak to him, then ran away from him, but then decided to speak to him -- but only about sports. That's giving me a migraine already. I think maybe it's better to just do it the old-fashioned way: take it easy and be yourself. Sounds crazy, I know.
Photos via Tumblr, Chive, LAist