Remember the psychopath from Delta Gamma at the University of Maryland who ripped her sorority sisters a new asshole via listserv for “being goddamn boners” (?) during Greek Week? Well, since she probably ruined her future in every other way, thank God she got a job writing for bro-bible! I have a feeling that she’s destined for greatness.
Anyway, her debut article, “A Guide to Getting a Guy to Text You the Morning After, By America’s Favorite Sorority Girl” (define ‘favorite’) is getting a lot of attention. It seems she has developed a strong fan following! For example, one of her fans commented on the article.
“Sounds like some drunk teenager giving advice to her 12 year old cousin about how to act differently in order to get some dumb, drunk frat guy's attention. This is terrible. Vapid and uninformative. I get it, this girl got 15 minutes of fame, so letting her write some bullsh*t for your publication might help increase your readership... God, I hope nobody reads this and takes it seriously.”
Seems like America is really loving her! I’m not going to lie, that comment pretty much sums up the article perfectly. This girl has literally no idea what she’s talking about. Basically, she’s encouraging women to be sluts so that she can keep her job writing for bro-bible. Newsflash Becca – girls don’t read bro-bible for advice unless they’re stupid.
The article is a 3-part guide that, according to a girl who got kicked out of her sorority for having a mental breakdown over themed socials, will make you a pro-texter. Clearly she’s totally sane and worth listening to. We thought it would be beneficial (and funny) to constructively critique the article…for everyone’s well being.
1. “Only Half Put Out”
So I know this sounds counterintuitive, but hear me out. Look back at the lovely and informative PSA. Is it mentioned anywhere in there that he's out trying to find a girl with a lovely personality and who cooks like Paula Deen on a crack binge while simultaneously being Jenna Jameson in the sack? Nope. To most drunk guys a wet hole is a wet hole, and with each cranberry vodka the two of you slurp down you're both less likely to remember what either of you talked about. You could tell him that you won the friggin' lottery and the morning after he wouldn't know it. This is why you only partially put out. Dance, stick your tongue down his throat, grab his junk for an over the pants handy, whatever, just don't go home with him. Yeah he might go home with someone else that night, but the morning after he's going to remember the girl that proudly displayed her thong on her back like the Mona Lisa at the Louvre while rubbing it on his junk, not the nice Communications major that like, is so like into like, something he doesn't remember because it didn't relate to getting his D wet. The fact that you sort of half put out shows that you're more likely TO put out at some point in the near future, which is more incentive for him to text you.
This makes total sense, right? Cause there’s such thing as half putting out. We learned that when Regina George explained that she was half a virgin when she met Aaron Samuels. Martinson advises girls to “half-put out” to get the guy to text you the next day. She describes this as “Dance, stick your tongue down his throat, grab his junk for an over the pants handy, whatever, just don't go home with him. Yeah he might go home with someone else that night, but the morning after he's going to remember the girl that proudly displayed her thong on her back like the Mona Lisa at the Louvre while rubbing it on his junk.”
I don’t even know where to start with that one because it’s just too stupid. This whole situation just sounds off-putting. First of all, grinding and shoving your tongue down someone’s throat in the middle of the bar is something only blackout drunk freshmen in college do when they haven’t learned proper drunk etiquette yet.
According to Martinson, the expert, this will guarantee that he will text you because since you gave him an "over the pants handy" in the middle of a packed bar, he assumes that you will fully put out in the near future.
So, if he’s only texting you because he hopes that you’ll put out, why the f*ck don’t you just get it over with the first night? It honestly doesn’t make a difference whether you drunkenly go home with him from the bar the first night or the third night. It means the same thing either way… a drunk night at the bar. Oh and don’t forget… Martinson reminds us that since guys don’t give a sh*t about what we are studying, or anything we have to say that doesn’t involve him “getting his D wet,” you should just forget that you have any self worth and rock your thong like “Mona Lisa” (?)
2. “Run awayyy!”
Not literally because that would look stupid, but say something that implies you're about to leave so he asks for your number. It can be as simple as "I'm going home, want my number?," but nothing too complicated like "My DVR is set to record Millionaire Matchmaker but I want it to tape Real Housewives and I need to go change it because the season finale is on and I'm really excited because blah blah something." Simple is always better, and besides changing your DVR isn't a good reason to go home early and he'll think you're odd. Anyways, exchange numbers and then either leave or do your best not to see him the rest of the night.
Martinson’s second piece of expert advice is to go home in order to leave him wanting more. Thanks Becc, none of us knew what playing hard to get was before. Thank God we have you. Now I’m going to leave the bar and end my night early hoping that douchebag will text me the next day! NOT. The other option she gives us is to stay at the bar for the night, but to avoid the guy at all costs. Most normal girls are too busy actually enjoying their nights to play hide and seek. How about this one? Go with the flow. It’s not rocket science.
3. “The Day After”
As long as his phone didn't break or the apocalypse didn't happen, he will most likely text you the morning/day after you met him. I'm pretty sure no one does this anymore, but for those of you that do the "wait 3 days before you text" thing, stop it. Seriously, if you meet someone and you're both drunk do you think they're going to remember you in 3 days? I've been sober for 3 days and I have no idea what even happened that long ago. Like I said, I've never had someone wait 3 days so I don't think this rule even exists, but just in case you think it does, it doesn't. Anyways, when he does text you it'll probably be something geared along the lines of "What are you up to tonight?," to which you sure as shit reply to with some activity where he could potentially meet up with you. Bar, house party, it doesn't matter, just nothing like "Oh I'm staying in and watching movies." You don't know him, he doesn't know you, and if you invite him to watch TV with you it'll just be awkward and weird. Have a paper to do? That's fine, just make sure to mention that he should hit you up the next day. While telling him your plans, at the same time you have to make it into a conversation so that once you find out what you're both doing you have a reason to keep texting. The whole point of not hooking up with him the first night was so that he'd text you, and now the key is to be interesting so that he wants to keep texting you, not just because he's tryna get it in but because he enjoys you as a person. That being said, when you're talking to him think about it from his perspective. He's a guy. Don't talk about super girly shit. Pick neutral topics, for example talk about how your last night was when you met him, or if you can talk about sports then go for it. From here you have two options: 1. You find he's actually kinda weird/boring and you stop texting him 2. You meet him out that night If at any point you decide you're actually not really that interested in him, just stop talking to him. It's that easy. Don't waste his time and yours by carrying on a conversation you don't care about. Likewise goes for if you meet him that night and you realize that your beer goggles the night before had 5 inch thick lenses. It's a public place, you can walk away and mingle with other people and it'll be fine. If you're still diggin' him then do whatever you want from there. Personally I try not to get my spread eagle on until at least the third time I meet up with him. That's usually how long it takes for a guy to realize I'm not some sugar twat that's down to be pumped and dumped, and by then he usually finds talking to me to be amusing to some degree. On the other side of the spectrum, you can't just keep stringin' this guy along and not giving him anything for his effort or he'll get bored. Part of this is a game of timing and it depends on who you're talking to, which I can't help you with because I don't know who he is (again, duh). But hey, I at least got you started. Go out there and make me proud.
Finally, Martinson assures us that if you follow her guidelines and the apocalypse doesn’t happen, this guy will text us the next day. I’m pretty sure that there’s a better chance of a guy not texting you the next day after he was blacked out at a bar than the apocalypse happening. The world would’ve ended a long time ago if this were true.
She warns us that the “wait 3 days before you text him” theory isn’t true. Since when has this theory even existed? Nobody I have ever known believes that. Becky is totally guilty of doing this! She then tries to sound cool by explaining that this guy won’t remember you after 3 days because she has been sober for that long and can’t even remember what happened 3 days ago.
Becc, are you okay? I think you have a memory problem. You probably shouldn’t admit that on the internet for everyone to read, but then again everyone knows that you threatened to “F*CKING ASSAULT” your sorority sisters if they cheered for the wrong team at Greek Week Olympics, so nothing you say from then on will surprise anyone.
Her next piece of advice is that we don’t invite this guy over to watch a movie the next night. I’m sorry, but does this even have to be said? Why would anyone invite someone who they met drunkenly in the dark, while grinding on them and giving them an “over the pants handy,” over to snuggle on a Saturday night? It probably doesn’t get more socially unacceptable than that.
She advises us that once he texts us, asking what we’re doing that night, we “sure as sh*t” respond with something that gives him the potential to meet up with us. This girl's choice of words cracks me up. Props Becca. Anyway, since this article seems to apply to a college Greek-life setting, there is a 90% chance that you will run into that guy at the bar again or that you'll be within a 5 minute vicinity of him throughout the entire night. Don’t feel the need to base your plan around “casually running into him” because chances are you probably will even if you don’t want to.
While earlier in the article she tells us that guys don’t give a sh*t about anything we have to offer other than getting his D wet, now she’s telling us to strike up a conversation so that he won't just try to get it in and actually appreciate us as a person. MAKE UP YOUR MIND. Oh, then she tells us to talk about sports if we can. So the key is to talk about stuff this dude would talk about with his boys, even if you really don’t give a sh*t about it.
So now this guy is into you because you "rocked" your thong like "Mona Lisa," gave him an OTP handy, shoved your tongue down his throat, half put out, didn’t speak to him, then ran away from him, but then decided to speak to him -- but only about sports. That's giving me a migraine already. I think maybe it's better to just do it the old-fashioned way: take it easy and be yourself. Sounds crazy, I know.
Photos via Tumblr, Chive, LAist