19 Reasons Why I Only Wear Black And You Need To STFU About It

by Ashley Fern

Ever since I was a child, I would see my grandma decked out in black from head to toe. It didn't matter the occasion; this woman only ever wore this color.


I would endlessly make fun of her all throughout my childhood, and she would laugh back at me and tell me one day I'd "get it."

I thought she was crazy; how boring is it to just wear one "color" for your entire life? But as soon as puberty hit and those bagels I ate every day caught up with me, I understood.

There really is nothing as slimming and flattering as black.

So now, the roles are reversed as my grandma taunts me with "I told you so," and I buy a different variation of the same black top on a weekly basis. But you know what?!

You live, and you learn, and the karma is being thrust upon me as each one of my friends relentlessly mocks me for my attire.

But I don't really give a sh*t what anyone has to say because I will continue to indulge my all-black wardrobe collection with pride.

So why is it I, along with a good portion of you guys, just can't stop wearing all-black everything?

1. It matches my soul.

You may not think black evokes emotion, but oh, it does. Nothing says F off quite like an all-black ensemble, and honestly, that may be the number one reason you see so many people rocking it.

2. I don't need to brighten up your day.

Why does it bother you if I feel like wearing the darkest color possible? If you need someone wearing florals to add some spunk to your day, you need to reevaluate your current situation.

3. I'm a slob.

Did you know I dropped at least three packets of ketchup on my shirt this morning?

No, of course not because I'm wearing black, and you can't see sh*t!

Black is a godsend for us messy eaters since any stain can easily be washed, whipped or blotted off.

4. I can't think too much in the morning.

You know what requires effort in the morning? Picking out an outfit that matches. You know what requires little to no effort in the morning?

Throwing on an all-black getup. No thoughts, no worries -- no problems.

Try this technique, and tell me it doesn't take less than 15 minutes to get ready in the morning.

5. I make a statement.

You know who you notice when she enters a room? The girl in just another awful pastel print? Absolutely not.

It's the girl dressed head to toe in black who's grabbing your attention. And the best part is it's not even in an obnoxious way. In fact, it's quite the opposite.

6. I'm timeless.

Cue the music from "Beauty And The Beast."

Fads may come and go, but black is forever.

7. I never go out of style.

You know those people who look back at their life, reliving memories and can't help but think, "WHAT THE F*CK WAS I WEARING?"

When it comes to black, you're never going to have regrets -- I can guarantee that.

8. I'm artistic.

When you think of poets, do you think they're decked out in fluorescent colors? Of course not -- you envision them dripping in darkness.

9. I don't need bright colors to help me stand out.

I stand out enough with my huge mouth. The last thing I need is a bright outfit drawing even more attention to me.

10. I f*cking like it.

As if we even need 18 other reasons to defend wearing all black all of the time, f*cking liking it should be sufficient reason enough.

But nope -- people still find the need to ask and inquire why you choose to dress the way you do. As if that affects them in anyway whatsoever...

11. It's slimming, duh.

The best part? Black is the most flattering of all of the colors out there! Trying to look thin? You best know you'll be rocking black that day.

12. Brightness hurts my eyes.

Whether it's sunlight or neon colors, one thing is for sure -- they need to stay the hell away from me.

13. I don't need to show off.

Black is trying without actually trying. And isn't that the look everyone is secretly trying to achieve?

14. My look isn't spring; it's nuclear f*cking winter.

True fashion comes out in the coldest of temperatures because it's really not that hard to pull off an outfit that revolves around denim shorts.

It's not as easy in 30-degree weather to pull off a chic ensemble, which is where the all-black outfit comes in handy.

15. I don't dress for anyone but myself.

How does the way I dress affect you in any aspect of your life? Exactly, it doesn't.

Now go worry about your terrible outfit and stop fixating on mine -- unless it's to get a hint of how to dress.

16. Morticia is my spirit animal.

Morticia Addams absolutely kills it in every way, and if you don't agree, then you need to rewatch "The Addams Family" immediately.

17. Every piece of clothing always looks better in black.

Anything that comes in any other color will always look better in black, so why even bothering trying something else?

18. Because I know how uncomfortable it makes you.

Is there any better feeling than making someone else visibly uncomfortable? Exactly...

19. I'm ready for your funeral.

Wham, bam, thank you, ma'am.

For more of her thoughts, humor and ridiculous opinions follow Ashley Fern on Instagram and Twitter.