There are a lot of ways I could describe myself: Funny, nice, weird, quirky, lazy, annoying (in an endearing way, obvs), talkative, maybe even cute. But you know what adjective I would never use? "Sexy."
OK, before you get all sad for me, this isn't a pity party. It's just that if some people are sexy and some people are cute, I don't quite see myself in the first group. I like poop jokes, and I can't seem to finish a meal without half of it smeared across my face. Not exactly the stuff sexual fantasies are made of.
That being said, I also don't really try to be sexy. I mean, when I go into my closet, the first thing I think isn't exactly, "OMG, what will make me look SEXY?" It's more like, "What can I wear that will be comfortable and also maybe not make me look 12?" If I can check off both those boxes, I'm good to go.
But then I got to thinking, "What if I tried to be sexy?" Like, what if I really tried on outfits that made me feel super ~sexy~? This obviously spiraled into a whole other train of thought. Like, what IS sexy? Who defines sexy? I guess a sexy look, technically, would mean that people want to have sex with you. But doesn't that constitute about a million different looks?! It all seems very subjective to me.
So I went to five of my favorite stores -- Urban Outfitters, Free People, Aritzia, Zara, and H&M -- and asked the stylists to dress me in what they find sexy. Then I would pick my own favorite look and maybe decide on my own definition of sexy.
If you want a good laugh, imagine me awkwardly pulling aside very trendy sales associates and asking them to dress me in their "sexiest outfit." When they asked what "kind of sexy" I was going for (which they almost all did), I went with the working definition of "when you run into your ex and want him to know exactly what he's missing out on." Don't ask why -- just sort of the first thing that came to mind. And I decided to roll with it.
Here is a pic of me with my super hip, cool sales associate at Urban:
Let's talk about what I'm wearing in this picture: leggings, oversized sweater, tall boots and a chunky jacket. Throw in a little more black, and it could become my everyday uniform. Comfortable? Yes. Cute? Maybe. Sexy? No, not in the slightest.
With that said, here we go. Join me in my search for sexiness.
Urban Outfitters put me in a scandalous bodysuit.
I usually never wear things like this, seeing as I have no boobs at all. But I gotta say that I was feeling ~sexy~ in my backless bodysuit. This is an outfit that was a little too hip for me to ever wear, but I did feel COOL.
Free People put me in a flirty dress.
I loved my outfit at Free People. The sales associates managed to strike a balance between sexy and cute by pairing the fun sundress with the strappy heels. I didn't really find any element of my outfit to be particularly ridiculous, which helped me feel comfortable.
What was funny for me here was that it was only my second store of the day, and I already had two COMPLETELY different looks created for me based on the same working definition of sexy ("when you run into your ex and want him to know exactly what he's missing out on"). And, honestly, I'd say both outfits were equally sexy.
Aritzia put me in a clean-cut two-piece.
This is something I would wear. A solid 75 percent of my wardrobe is from Aritzia, so I guess there's no surprise there. But I would totally wear this two-piece that brought together tan shorts and a beige top. I honestly probably already own about 37 different variations of this outfit.
You guys, I was already being sexy, and I had no idea!
But, again, you've gotta take a second to note HOW different this look was from the other two. I think there really are about a million and one ways to be sexy. I will say all three of these outfits didn't require a bra -- a common thread I was starting to notice.
Zara put me in a revealing lace bodysuit.
I love Zara. It's one of my favorite stores, by far. But this outfit -- a bodysuit with lace Bermuda shorts -- made me feel awkward. It just isn't something I would normally wear, and it also fit me weirdly.
So I guess this was the first outfit I didn't really like. And I've gotta say that it's HARD to feel sexy when you're wearing something you just don't feel comfortable in.
H&M put me in somethin' RED HOT.
I felt like the woman-dancing-in-red-dress emoji. Not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing, but that's what I felt like.
So, what is "sexy"?
Turns out, I was right -- sexy is subjective. If you scroll through the pictures, every store gave me a completely different look that was, in its own right, sexy.
Another important thing to note is that literally every single sales associate made a point of asking me how I would describe my personal style. They all explained that nothing was ever going to look sexy unless I felt sexy in it. And you know what? They were right.
I know this is going to be like the cheesiest thing I've ever written, but I'll say it anyway because it's true: Sexy is a state of mind. That's all it really comes down to.
Heck, if I believed my leggings-and-a-baggy-sweater uniform was sexy, I COULD MAKE IT SEXY.
Oh, and being sexy is also apparently about bodysuits. I tried on a bunch of those. TBH, when you are snapping the little flaps by your privates like you would on a baby onesie, it becomes hard to imagine them as really, truly sexy. But I guess they do look fly when you put on some bottoms and forget about that slight weirdness.