She’s the girl that girls love to hate, and the girl that guys eventually realize they want to date.
She’s living proof that women and men can be completely platonic, despite everything that social media, rom-coms and your single girlfriends tell you they heard through another girlfriend’s twice-removed sister. She’s one of the guys, and if you ask her, she wouldn’t have it any other way.
If she’d rather dry-shave her entire body and eat a jar of live earthworms than join a sorority; if she can dish out good-humored insults as well as she can take them; or if she can drink someone twice her size under the table, then I’d say you’ve got a good candidate for a girl that fits in with the guys.
Either that, or she’s just an alcoholic.
Surely, being one of the boys is no easy feat, and yet, she makes it look as effortless as the messy hair bun look that we’ve all tried and failed to replicate.
Thankfully, years of drunk-munching, handle passes, lost keys, close encounters with the local police and smudged makeup have molded me into one of the guys, and I’m afraid there is no going back now. The least I can do, according to a group consensus, is to impart a few tidbits of wisdom onto you:
Do: Be prepared to drink.
By drink, I mean your liver must be capable of handling alcohol at any and all times of the day, and for any and every possible reason. One of the boys got dumped? Another tanked an exam? You successfully made it through a game of beer pong without trolling? It’s raining? It’s Tuesday? Your boss is still a massive dick?
All of the aforementioned sound like handle pull o’clock.
Don’t: Ask for a chaser to go with that shot.
If you do, there’s a good chance someone will hand you a beer. There’s an even greater chance you’ll end up the recipient of a double shot and a quip somewhere along the lines of, “We know you have a p*ssy, but don’t be one.”
Do: Learn to love and indulge in the holy grail of brotherhood.
In other words, pizza, beer and "the game.” As a guy's girl, sports probably come as natural to you as breathing. If not, don’t sweat it. The great thing about your male cohorts is their easygoing nature. They’re usually open to suggestions, such as a group screening night for the next annual Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show, or something everyone can enjoy.
Don't: Have sex with one (or more) of the boys.
You can't be one of them if you're under or on top of them. Just don’t do it unless you want bigger problems than finding a clean cup, toilet paper, uncontaminated water, your sanity or dignity, a lighter, etc.
Do: Worry about fighting your way to the bar.
As one of the boys, you’re expected to pull some weight and buy some beer. Sure, your presence is a present and all that, but grabbing a round of drinks every now and then ensures your future presence, as well.
Don't: Worry about your appearance.
Don't worry about your hair, whether your dress makes you look like a baby whale, your lipstick or about that minuscule stain on your shirt. Whereas a fellow female might (read: probably will) spot the dried proof of the last round on your shirt, the boys are less discerning (read: oblivious) and don't care, so neither should you.
Do: Indulge in the pros of being a bro.
You're one of the boys, but you're still a girl. It's not all about fist bumps and high fives. Take full and unashamed advantage of the fact that you have multiple closets chock full of comfy sweatshirts, baggy shirts and warm jackets you can borrow.
Don't: Filter your personality.
Mean what you say and say what you mean. Save the passive-aggressive remarks, double meanings and subtlety for the day after never.
Do: Craft a reputation for yourself.
My superpower happens to be leaving a trail of empty Jägermeister bottles behind me wherever I go. As the old saying goes, "Whatever you are, be a good one."
Every man since the beginning of time has had a "cannot compute" button, and when you cry in front of one, you're pounding that button more times than that poor, animated "I" in "Pixar." They won't know what to do or how to help you, aside from offering you a cold one.
Do: Be thankful.
Appreciate the fact that when an unworthy stranger hits on you, the boys might actually hit him back. The same goes for anyone you’re dating at any given moment.
Don’t: Be a mother.
While they may be your lost boys, think of yourself as the token lost girl -- not Wendy. Guys can forgive many things, but you being a party pooper/wet rag/Debbie Downer/cockblock are not among those things. Take one for the team and help a fallen comrade if you need to, but don’t be surprised or dismayed if the party continues without you.
Do: Spoil them occasionally.
Because at the end of the day, these boys will have your back in your times of need. They will come to your aid when your car battery dies, if your douchebag ex happens to be at the bar you frequent, or if you find yourself incapable of walking, let alone climbing three flights of stairs to your apartment. Repay the favor every now and then.
Photo via Favim