There's nothing that makes you feel as old as realizing half your Facebook friends are either in serious relationships, engaged or married.
Suddenly, littered among the bills and Walgreens coupons, you begin to receive wedding invitations in the mail.
Your best friend asks you to be the maid of honor at her wedding. Your old college roommate suddenly eloped.
While all of these are reminders of how f*cking old we are, there's nothing more triggering than seeing your old eleventh grade bio lab partner post a sonogram photo on Facebook with the caption "six more months to go!" followed by a trillion baby emoji.
That's when it all goes to sh*t.
1. Wait -- that's not Lacey. That's totally not Lacey. Lacey from physics? No way. 2. No… That's definitely Lacey. 3. When did she even have time to get pregnant? 4. Did her mom lose her sh*t when she found out? Lacey looked like she had a mom who would lose her sh*t. 5. Maybe it's April Fools' Day. 6. No, it's September. F*ck. 7. Wait, whom did she tag? Maybe she tagged Phil -- he's her gay best friend; it's probably an inside joke. 8. See, she did tag Phil. I knew it. 9. Hold on -- Phil's her husband?
10. NO. WAY. 11. NO. JUST NO. NO. 12. But I thought Phil was gay! 13. Damn, they got married at The Plaza. 14. I want to get married at The Plaza. 15. Why wasn't I invited to this? Where was I? 16. Wait, back up -- Lacey's pregnant. Let's freak out some more. 17. Didn't I speak to her recently? She didn't say she was pregnant! Or engaged. Or married. Or that Phil is actually straight. 18. When was our last Facebook Messenger conversation? 19. Five years ago. Oh. 20. Might explain why I didn't know about the baby. Or the wedding. Or about Phil not being gay. 21. How did she get 121 people to like this photo? 22. Did anyone I know comment on this? 23. Sh*t, like half our graduating class said "congrats!" already. Where was I? 24. Whatever, I'll post another baby emoji and a firework emoji in solidarity. 25. Make it look like I knew all along. 26. Wasn't she, like, 15 five minutes ago? 27. Is this the little girl I carried… 28. Her vagina is gonna stretch. 29. Did she Instagram any baby belly photos? 30. Ugh. Private account. F*ck you, Lacey. No one cares enough about your stupid pretend baby with Phil to request you. 31. I'll request her... Wait to get approved... Look at her photos and then delete her. Done and done. 32. Wait, does this mean I'm getting old? 33. Does this mean I should be having kids? 34. I don't even know if I want an extra side of guac, let alone if I want my vagina to resemble Australia.
35. I wonder if she'll invite me to her baby shower. 36. Maybe I should message her. 37. "Heyyy Lacey" -- no, I sound like an idiot. 38. "Congrats on the baby" -- I wouldn't even want to respond to me. 39. Screw it. If she wants to invite me, she'll invite me. 40. Should I congratulate Phil? 41. Ew, no. 42. Maybe it's a surrogate. 43. HOLD ON. She just added me on Instagram. 44. It's not a surrogate. Sh*t. 45. She's going to get so fat. 46. Let me group text everyone. 47. Also, let me drink this entire bottle of wine. 48. For Lacey.