How A Strong Woman Tackles The Business World

Although I appreciate all of the articles about women in business with titles like, “How to Get Ahead,” “How to Ask for What you Want,” and “How to Lean In,” I find most of these articles either dreadfully boring or painstakingly obvious.

Some of the advice given on the cover of the business section of the NYT last Sunday really put me over the edge:

One of the mistakes I’ve definitely seen women make is crying.

Or.....

Make sure you’re introduced. Do what a guy would do automatically.

What, women aren’t supposed to cry at work? Oh, and I’m supposed to introduce myself if someone forgets? Well, I think I’ve cried at work like 14 times and any guy who doesn’t introduce me is dead to me.

Please. Let’s get down to business. Sometimes we're so focused on getting our “Sheryl Sandberg” on......

....that we forget about the little details that truly help us to kick ass while staying cool at work.

Rule #1 Cool Girls Don't Vomit Smiley Faces

People like to work with people who are decisive and know how to get stuff done; those are the non-smiley face email people. Using a smiley face in a business email when you’re communicating your opinion is like saying,

“I really don’t want you to dislike me for saying my opinion, so I’m putting a smiley face in because I don’t want you to think I’m a bitch.”

Cool girls know that smiley faces in a business email, when you're having serious discussions, really mean you're not that serious. 

Rule #2 Cool Girls Know When to Hold Their Pee

So you’re sitting at business lunch with a bunch of guys. Everyone gets their water, passes around the breadbasket and starts with small talk lunch conversations for about fifteen minutes. Then the apps come and the conversation turns to, The Deal. Then what do you know? You have to pee.

Cool girls do not leave the table to go pee. Leaving the table when the talks get going is the ultimate power lunch FAIL for women.

Cool girls know that the routine of a power lunch is: water, bread, apps, bullshit conversation, DEAL TALKS....and they stick around for them all. 

Rule #3 Cool Girls Go to Bed When They Want To

“Yeah, I’m totally cool with taking our male client to a strip club with the other guys in our office." Ok fine, maybe you are. But you’re probably kinda not.

Whatever stupid boy event they want to do with a client, who cares if it doesn't sound fun and you don't want to go? Don't go.

Cool girls go to bed when they want because they know doing what they "want" is way more attractive than doing something because they "should."

Clients are drawn to self-assured people who aren't begging to hang out with them under any circumstance. Yes, clients are drawn to mystery, especially if you're in sales because most sales people don't get this, and drool all over the client to the point the client wants to punch them in the face.

So here's a good response for you if you want to go to bed when the chumps in the office are going big one night with a client,

“I'm fine, you go.”

I’m perfectly happy going back to my hotel and putting on my night mittens. My hands will be silky smooth tomorrow morning when I’m taking notes at our 8 a.m. meeting and you don’t know your ass from the tip of your ball point pen. Bye.

Rule #4  - Cool Girls Know How to Tie One On

When you've made a commitment for dinner with them, the cool girl makes the client feel comfortable at dinner so the client will spill the beans.

Cool girls know that if the client orders drinks, she order drinks, and unless she's pregnant, she has more than one drink.

Clients do not tell you secrets (about how you can win more business from them) if they're drinking and you're not. They feel uncomfortable.

It does not matter if you're a little buzzed and they know it, it's BETTER. It's better because then they will feel ok getting a little sloppy too.

At the end of the day you're building a relationship with this person not interviewing to babysit their children. Building a relationship with someone involves showing that you're human. Humans get buzzed and sometimes order one too many cocktails with their client if they're having a good time.

Rule #5 Cool Girls Know that Most Men are Big Fat Retards

Let's be honest. You get hit on by some of your clients. It doesn't matter if they hit on you and you reject them, it's all about the recovery.

If you're out to dinner or drinks with a client and they hit on you (and you think they're disgusting but you want their business), the cool girl kindly declines (lies and says she has a boyfriend) then calls the client immediately the next day.

Wait, what? Yes. The call the next day is KEY, this lets him know that you two "are cool." You're not calling to rehash the conversation, you're calling to laugh about the night, and then talk shop.

And yes, cool girls lie about having a boyfriend even if they don't. This makes the client feel better because the client's ego will be bruised if the cool girl flat out rejects the big fat retard with no explanation.

And we all know that if you bruise a man's ego, he will never want to do business with you because.....