I'm always in that awkward phase of growing out my hair.
Several years ago, I got a pixie cut. It was adorable for two weeks, then morphed into a Justin Bieber-circa-“Baby” stage, complete with a mullet that would make Billy Ray Cyrus question all his life choices.
It finally grew out to my shoulders and now, like the Little Mermaid, I want more. I'm all about finding ways to accelerate the hair growth process, and who better to ask than the most die-hard internet hair mavens?
An online community of long hair enthusiasts not only exists, but also has its own barometer of crazy. These are the women -- and some men -- aiming to grow their locks to ankle-length, because mid-back is for amateurs.
Here's what I found.
Break out the peanut butter.
Peanut butter has long been used to remove chewing gum from hair, but your good 'ol smooth Skippy is also good for helping locks grow long.
The nut butter boasts alpha-tocopherol, a kind of vitamin E that makes hair follicles stronger. A deep conditioner made of melted peanut butter will get you on the way to Rapunzel-level greatness.
If you don't want your hair to smell like the spread, opt for it in smoothie form. Just mix it in with cocoa and protein powder.
Beauty obsessives love smoothies. There's one for absolutely everything, which I find a bit unnerving. Want thicker nails? Eyelashes falling out? Have a green smoothie! Screw solid food and multi-vitamins — just douse yourself in liquid goodness!
If all else fails, hang upside down.
When I was little, I was convinced the fool-proof way to grow a couple of extra inches was standing around on my tippy-toes. Eventually, I realized this method didn't quite work, but I sure looked f*cking ridiculous for a while.
I was on to something, however, as several beauty mavens tout the benefits of — wait for it — literally flipping your hair upside down. That's it.
The trick to the so-called inversion method is massaging hair oil into your roots for five minutes before tipping your head upside down for precisely four minutes. Not five, not three, but four glorious, inverted minutes.
Believe it or not, there's a science to it. Inversion apparently increases blood circulation, which eases back issues while simultaneously accelerating hair growth.
Take your scalp to the massage table.
If you went to the gym this morning, wishing you had another muscle to tone, I have an answer for you: The occipitalis muscles. They're the fan-shaped muscles on the back of your scalp, and play a vital role in your short hair nightmare.
Placing your fingers against the frontalis muscles (located between your hairline and eyebrows), massage toward the back of your scalp. If your ears move, you're doing it right.
The technique is meant to stabilize hair loss and decrease hair shedding, thus accelerating hair growth. A surprising amount of men's hair-loss blogs rave about this method. I'm all for scalp massages, they're f*cking delightful and can be absolutely orgasmic if done right.
Yeast infection treatments work for your hair, too.
Wondering what to do with your leftover vaginal cream? Rub it into your roots.
I wish I was kidding. Monistat cream has gotten a 4.9 out of 5 rating on Makeup Alley, the beauty junkie bible. Apparently, Monistat is the unicorn treatment your hair needed all these years.
Users are recommending applying the cream to damp hair. Miconazole nitrate, the active ingredient in Monistat, regulates scalp flora responsible for shedding and stunted hair growth. The one drawback? It can give you headaches.
If Monistat works miracles for your cooch, it only makes sense that it does the same for your strands. Right?
Never underestimate the power of cayenne pepper.
This might've been the most controversial hair hack I found. Methods for using cayenne varied, including mixing it with vodka to use as a spray and using it in a soup.
Cayenne pepper will irritate the hell out of your scalp. According to the online beauty community, however, this irritation is a good thing because it stimulates blood flow and, in turn, hair growth.
This tip doesn't take into account that many people are allergic to cayenne pepper, and sprinkling it on the scalp will create sores. Sexy, right? You also can't rub your eyes after using it, which seems like a hazard in and of itself.
I'm more than down with odd beauty tips. But, some of these zany "hacks" have minimal research to back them up. People, unfortunately, still take them as gospel.
Will you be trying any of these hacks? Or, do you think they lean toward BS?