Group dinners are the fastest way to commit social suicide. The stress that comes from figuring out a place, whom to invite and how best to split the bill is a nightmare no one really asked for.
Why do we even succumb to dinner after dinner, knowing the full extent of what to expect? Because peer pressure, obligations and forced upon FOMO — that's why.
On the other hand, group dinners serve a purpose. They're a way to catch up with all of your friends at once so you don't have to waste each one of your precious evenings having one-on-one time.
Because everyone knows the only thing worse than group dinners is forced awkward one-on-one dinners that neither person wanted to have in the first place.
1. The place
Choosing a place to eat for a group of girls is one of the more stressful situations you could ever put yourself in.
Every person prefers a different type of food at a different price, so you end up choosing the place the bitchiest girl in the group wants to go to just to avoid arguing with her.
The worst part is you end up spending $20 on a cab to get there because it's never close to your apartment. WTF? You haven't even eaten yet and you've already spent money? You spend the entire ride over wishing you just went to McDonald's instead.
2. The time
Group dinners always happen to occur at the most inconvenient time for everyone, which doesn't really make sense since dinner is typically eaten around the same time on a nightly basis; 6 pm isn't good because people are still working; 7:30 pm isn't good because that's when your favorite gym class is at; 9 pm is just much too late if it's during the week.
Well, after all of the bitching and complaining, it's time for you to rush across town only to find out that half the party isn't even there yet. What the f*ck was the point of debating back and forth if not everyone is even going to show up on time?! Ugh.
3. The people
Whom do you invite? If you invite A and B, do you have to invite C? What if C doesn't get along with D? Do you also invite her roommate E who slept with A's ex-boyfriend? What the f*ck is the point of this meal again?
The more people you invite to a group dinner, the more complicated the check gets; on the other hand, the fewer people you invite to dinner, the more people you offend — see the problem? There is never a "right" answer when it comes to group sit-down meals.
The only person who cares about your birthday is you, not the 13+ people you are forcing to attend your dinner. If your birthday is on a Monday and you force people to celebrate at a dinner, you are just an assh*le.
No one wants to start a miserable week going to a mandatory meal — NO ONE, not even your best friend.
The whole scheme of a birthday dinner is kind of just ridiculous. If you think about it, you are inviting your closest friends who will feel obligated to split the bill while simultaneously not allowing you to contribute. Yep, I see what you did there.
5. The check Nazi
The worst part about the entire process may have to be dividing up the check. There is always one person who is trying to conserve money and orders an appetizer and no drink while sitting in misery as everyone else gets hammered off communal pitchers of sangria and one person who orders significantly more food than everyone else.
Of the two types of people, it is the latter who always encourages everyone to just split the bill "evenly" because that is just the easiest and most efficient way possible. This is where the check Nazi comes into play.
She decides the fairest way possible is to waste another 30 minutes of everyone's time tallying and writing down every little thing each person got. Halfway through this process, the entire party usually just says "f*ck it" and throws their cards down to be split up evenly.
Photo Courtesy: Nicole Franzen