You're counting down the hours until the big day. What should you wear? What time should you shower? Do you have to shave? Yes, of course you have to shave!
No, ladies, you’re not getting ready for your first date. You're getting ready for your annual gynecologist appointment.
Every year, before I skip along to my doctor's office, I realize I am just as frantic about going to my doctor as I was when I had my first date with my boyfriend. But, for some reason, I find that getting ready for my gyno is 10 times harder than getting ready for any first date I've ever had.
This is because I have to impress this lady who peeks in to my vagina and smiles.
Below are the six shared phases of a first date and a gynecologist appointment:
Phase 1: "WTF should I wear?"
“Should I wear a dress or pants? Whatever is easiest to slip off I guess.”
Seriously, though, should I wear a f*cking dress? I have to get naked, anyway. And after I get naked, I have to shiver in that cold room until my doctor comes in and drills me with questions.
Phase 2: The Waiting Game
Waiting is the worst part of anything you do. I, for one, am not a patient person and you probably aren’t, either.
There are three types of waiting that will one day give me a heart attack: waiting for my food to come at a restaurant, waiting for my boyfriend to pick me up for a hot date and waiting for the nurse to call me in to the gynecologist room.
I can’t choose which is worse. It's probably waiting for my food, but you get the point.
Phase 3: The Awkward Questions
I don’t like being asked questions, but I get it: The doctor needs to know what I've been doing the past year.
“Do you have kids?” “Are you married?” “Are you in a relationship?” “Do you smoke?” “Have you ever had sex?” “How many people have you had sex with?” “What do you do for fun on the weekends?”
“What is your father’s health like?” “Does your mom have high blood pressure?” “Do you exercise?” “What do you eat on a daily basis?” “Do you drink?” “How many drinks do you have in one week?”
Luckily, after you finish the awkward questions phase, you tend to loosen up. I mean, you have to, considering you are about to get naked.
If you were allowed to drink at the doctor's office, you would. Wait, why isn't that a thing? Last I heard, wine is healthy for you.
Phase 4: Goodbye, clothes.
Okay, you’re not about to bang your doctor or get naked after things were going smoothly on your date, but at least you know you have to get naked for your gynecologist before going into the appointment.
That’s why you shaved, remember?
There is nothing worse than that cold speculum being jammed up in you. And no, that will never ever get easier as your vagina gets older.
Phase 5: Walk Of Shame
Now, it’s time to take your ass home! Clearly, after you get naked, you have to put those clothes back on and sneak away.
Ah, just like college. The memories are truly unbearable.
The best part about the gynecologist is that the walk of shame shouldn’t make you feel bad. It should make you feel proud because you finally did something mature, like make an appointment all by yourself and pay the co-pay from your own account, not your mother's.
Phase 6: Waiting Game 2.0
If you thought waiting for your appointment was bad, think again. Now you have to wait two weeks for that pap smear to come back, and for your doctor to call and give you those results.
It’s just like waiting for your crush to call you after your first date to tell you he had fun, when he probably didn't because all you talked about was how much you love dogs and Taco Bell.
At this point, you can only think the worst: “Is my vagina okay? It’s been a day, and I haven’t heard from her.” “Dammit, I should’ve never gotten hammered that one night.” “Okay, week one is over. I am sure everything is fine; she’s just busy. Yeah, she's busy.”
“Now, week two is underway. Something is wrong with my vagina. I can't have babies. That's it. I'm done for.”
*Phone rings after your brain goes crazy*
Everything is fine, finally. Back to getting hammered every weekend!
Luckily, the gynecologist will always call you back. Just remember: Impressing your OBGYN is more important than that first date. Get up, shower, shave and look good. Your doctor knows what your vagina did last summer.