One of my favorite things to do at parties or social gatherings is to observe other girls flirt with guys.
And, before your creeper alert system kicks into gear, hear me out:
It’s like watching peacocks on Animal Planet (yes, I’m aware that peacocks are male birds, but you get the point), fanning their feathers around and puffing their chests out in hopes of attracting a mate.
The toss of the hair, the bat of the lashes, the seductive finger trail down the bicep, it’s all utterly bewildering and foreign to me. I was born with an innate inability to be flirtatious. No, I’m serious.
Not only do I think other girls look completely ridiculous when they flirt, I feel like (and look like) a pathetic, lost puppy when I make even the faintest attempt at being flirty.
Have you ever seen those monkeys on Animal Planet that make sudden awkward gestures in random directions when they're restless?
That’s me flirting (my second favorite thing to do at parties and life is to watch a lot of Animal Planet, as you can tell).
So to all my flirt-averse sisters out there, I present 10 struggles all girls who hate flirting (mostly because they are horrible at it) experience on a regular basis:
1. You address and treat every guy like your homeboy from back in the neighborhood.
No matter how attractive he is or how totally into him you are, you do things like give him daps and refer to him as dude, bruh or kid.
2. You have one signature flirt move.
And you force yourself to do every so often, just to feel like a normally-functioning female being.
Mine is trailing my right pinky awkwardly on a guy’s arm down to the elbow. (Unless the elbow is ashy, in which case I stop right above it.)
3. You have a constant “hover hand.”
This is when your hand never comes to a complete rest on a guy’s body when giving him a hug, taking a picture with him or similar scenarios that require physical contact.
It just kind of awkwardly hovers right above his skin's surface.
4. You feel super awkward when a girlfriend is on hyper-flirt mode toward a guy in your presence.
Did she just bat her lashes and laugh at his unfunny joke? What a total hooker!
You feel embarrassed for her, yourself and the guy, even though you’re the only person in this equation who actually feels this way.
5. When a cute guy flirts with you, it’s a fate worse than death.
As soon as he gives you that half smile and intense eye contact, you are knocking drinks and tables over as you literally do the 100-yard dash toward the nearest bathroom and curl up into the fetal position because it’s all just too much.
6. You're no stranger to diarrhea of the mouth.
And if you actually do make it to the point of a “flirty” conversation, you’ll blurt out the most random of statements, like by answering his question about your plans next weekend with something like, “So, do you prefer Bing or Google?”
7. Even if you do flirt, you don't do it right.
If you do, by some miraculous aligning of the heavens, make a semi-successful flirty gesture or comment to an attractive boy, you’ll later agonize over what a lame you are for selling out.
And here you thought you were so above flirting.
You realize at this point that you’re just like the rest of them.
8. You don't know how to let them down nicely.
And God forbid a guy you are totally not into is the least bit flirtatious toward you, hell hath seen no fury like the shade you are about to throw this poor guy’s way.
But like, did he really think overloading on Axe and having a “Situation” hairstyle would have any positive effect whatsoever on his chances?
9. You're on your parents' worry radar.
Your parents are starting to become concerned over your complete lack of interest in being “desirable” to the opposite sex.
10. Yes, you're bad at flirting. What of it?
So what if you have no idea how to let a guy know you’re into him, and who cares if you’d rather jump off a cliff than twirl your hair around and talk in a high-pitched voice?
A least you get to be completely yourself 24/7 and 100 percent of the time. Some guys won’t dig it, but that’s okay.
The guy who does see through your flirt-challenged ways and loves you for it is the only guy who deserves your attention anyway.