It’s something men aged 14 to 40 all have in common, and it can’t be stopped. It’s the quickest way to lose your two-drink investment and instead go home to your tissue box. No game is safe when there’s a cockblock on the loose.
Many men complain about falling victim to cockblocking or the greater universe’s plot to undermine any opportunity of them getting laid. Usually they blame it on a peripheral female who isn’t the target-to-be-laid, but rather frequently described as sexually frustrated and resentful of her girlfriend’s good fortune. Cockblocked Men, if by “good fortune” you are referring to yourselves, then that is your first problem.
Clearly men who are consistently cockblocked aren’t A. too great either and B. too bright, otherwise they would C. actually score and D. realize that their biggest cockblock is themselves.
To understand why, we must first look at what the cockblock is at its most basic level.
The Art of the Cockblock is a well-crafted defense mechanism against the Ushers of the world, who may look and sound hot, but are just too damn smooth for their own good. We know how this ends -- with a lot of regret and “Confessions” Part I and II -- and we’re not going to let it happen to a friend.
The cockblock is an ancient art really, dating back to biblical times when Leah prevented Jacob from marrying his true love and her own sister, Rachel, by deceiving him and marrying him instead. In present times, however, the cockblock has taken on less cutthroat “Game of Thrones” formats. Think the out-of-towner who needs to share your bed that weekend.
The cockblock can be employed in a variety of situations by both sexes and when used correctly has a 92 percent efficacy rate against genetically compromised douchebags.
Is it a huge disappointment? Absolutely. Is it discriminating? You betcha. But sometimes life just isn’t fair.
Here’s why girls cockblock other girls:
1. The guy is a known creeper
What do Radiohead and this guy in a sweat-soaked button down have in common? They’re both reppin’ the "Creep." You know the type – the guy who’s at the bar alone, giving you the eyes, and smelling like cheap, sidewalk cologne.
He doesn’t even wait for you to catch his gaze because he’s walking right up to you and touching your arm way too soon. Enter: the friend who eagerly tugs on your hand and saves you.
2. She’s too drunk to make good decisions
Sometimes it’s not the guy the cockblocker doesn’t trust, but rather it’s her own girlfriend. Friends don’t let friends-who-make-poor-decisions-drunk go home obliterated with strangers. Who knows what would happen to them?
3. You know she’s going to regret it in the morning
Your friend is 10 by everyone’s standards, but her three-deep dirty martinis have her falling in love with a hard 4 who knows he’s taking advantage. In this scenario, the cockblocker is actually more of superhero using her Powers of Sobriety for the good of her friend’s downstairs.
Any kind of personal criticism from the disgruntled cockblockee like, “You’re just jealous” should be interpreted as, “I have multiple untreated diseases from Spring Break sophomore year.”
4. You don’t want to fly solo
This is the most selfish of cockblocks, in which the cockblocker doesn’t want to lose her wing(wo)man and thus cockblocks her to keep her from leaving. While it’s definitely not the most grown-up move, we understand the desire for a buddy.
Who else are you going to go to the bathroom with? Let her make out with a slice of pizza and she’ll forget all about it.
5. The guy is giving you bad vibes
He has two first names and handed you a homemade business card. Bells are going off somewhere. You know what you gotta do.
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