Femme Fatale: 9 'Girly' Things I've Never Been Able To Master

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You’re a strong, independent woman. You work hard for your money. You’re caring and considerate.

Your friends call you the "mom" of the group, and you are the definition of class and sophistication. You’ve got this girl thing down. Well, almost.

As amazing as you may be, you can’t help but notice there are some subjects you’d totally flunk if “girling” was an actual test. Not only would you fail these things miserably, you can’t even begin to figure out how the f*ck other women do this sh*t.

Don’t worry; I can’t hack this stuff either. These are the nine things we may never understand about being a woman:

1. Contouring

Who are you? How the f*ck did you just real-life Photoshop your face?

I can barely put eyeliner on without looking like I just went three rounds in the ring with Ronda Rousey, and you literally just went from the picture on an iodine bottle to Kendall Jenner.

2. Nail Polish

A lot of things have changed since I was 5 years old, but my nail polishing skills are not one of them. Whenever I attempt to paint my nails, I look like I did it while sitting in a massage chair.

All these women are Instagramming their personal manicures with sparkles, gems and designs, while I’m lucky if I get a bottle open without spilling it. I just don’t understand. Also, will someone tell me how the f*ck you paint your left hand?

3. Braids

I must say, I have mastered a mean sock bun. But these braids?

I mean, do you grow an extra set of hands? I’m pretty sure it took 12 people to create Elsa’s braid, and she’s not even a real person.

Fishtail braids are Picasso-worthy, and what's with these waterfall things you people have going on now?

Let’s be real. How many times does it take you to do that? Fifteen? Twenty?

4. Blow Outs

You people actually do your hair every day? Like, every day? I go a solid three days without even washing it.

(Don’t "ew” me -- it’s healthy.) These girls I work with literally have perfect hair every single day, and I look like something the cat threw up.

How do you do this? Doesn’t it take an hour? Do you hate sleep?

5.Waxing

I did it once. Never again. I love my lady parts, and I refuse to make them go through that pain.

Don’t give me the “it hurts less the more you do it” excuse. Bullsh*t. You're lying.

You have no hair, but you also have no nerve endings and no soul. #ILoveMyRazor.

6. Spending Life Savings On Cosmetics

What’s wrong with CVS? Thirty dollars for a brush? A f*cking brush?

Are you joking? Also, you need like 75 million things to put on your face, so it just keeps adding up.

Primer? I’m going to dinner, not painting my damn house. Just get away from me and my wallet.

7. Matching Bras And Underpants

Really? All the time? I don’t know if I should be impressed or if you should get a hobby.

Unless that is your hobby. In which case, carry on. I’m just happy when my underwire isn’t impaling my side boob.

8.The Perfect Selfie

You didn’t take that picture. You hired Beyoncé’s team to follow you around and take miraculous pictures of you at angles only astrophysicists have figured out. You look like you should be on the cover of Vogue.

Do you know what my selfies look like? No, you don’t.

Why? Because I only Snapchat pictures of me stuffing my face to my best friends. That’s the extent of my selfie-ing.

9. Heels

What did your feet ever do to you? I can wear them to work if I have to, or on a dinner date (maybe). But why are you wearing stilettos in Whole Foods?

Unless you’re trying to pick up the guy in the bakery department, go home and put on a damn pair of moccasins. Plus, it’s not very strategic.

If there are samples at the end of aisle five, you’re never going to get there. No puff pastry for you.

I applaud all you women who can do all this sh*t, but don’t ask me to do it. I’ll take my "F" for this course.

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