The other day, I was trying to decide whether or not I should tell this guy I was into him.
It was the middle of the workday, and we hadn't even had a conversation that day, so my plan was to just blurt it without providing any real context for why I decided to do it at that particular moment.
At first, I was apprehensive about coming off as way too abrasive and off-puttingly random. But after debating with a few friends about it, I decided to just go for it.
So, at something like 3 pm on a Tuesday, I arbitrarily texted the man in question and confessed my feelings. (For the record, he took four hours to respond, but ultimately his response was positive, if you were wondering).
I'm notorious for this behavior. I never shy away from telling someone how I feel, even if doing it in that particular moment may not be the best idea.
I've confessed my feelings out of nowhere, under inconvenient circumstances, during fights and long, long after I've been dumped. And, yes, I've been sober every time.
I'll admit the outcomes haven't always been that great, but that sure as hell hasn't stopped me from doing it. In fact, I actually feel pretty empowered by my tendency to blurt.
I don't like to play games.
...to a point.
Everyone likes a good chase in the beginning. It's always fun to keep the other person guessing with flirtatious banter, vague sexual references and casual arm touching. I'm not one to shy away from a little mystery and intrigue.
After a certain point, though, I get bored of it. I get bored of not knowing where the "thing" is going, if it's even going anywhere, or if I should continue putting emotional energy into it.
So, after a couple of weeks or so, I'll almost always tell the guy how I'm feeling. It's just part of the natural progression for me.
I know how to use my words.
When I make a decision to say something, I never struggle with exactly how to say it.
For one, I'm a writer and use my words for a living, so wordplay comes pretty naturally to me.
But on another level, I always blurt my feelings early enough in the "relationship" when they're still casual and haven't fully developed into an obsessive crush (yet), which means it's easy for me to control how my words match up with my emotions.
I don't wait until the point where I can't take it anymore and explode all of the feelings that had been building. I keep it lighthearted and casual.
I just take a deep breath and tell him that I'm into him, that I enjoy spending time with him and would like to do more of that. And I hope for the best.
I'd rather be rejected than be strung along.
To me, being strung along for too long is worse than rejection.
I'd rather nip the situation in the bud as soon as possible than deal with those agonizing weeks of not knowing whether his texts mean he likes me or he's just bored.
I also know how quickly my feelings can spiral out of control, so I'd like to know sooner rather than later if I should actively stop myself from falling for him.
Too many women have trouble expressing how they feel because they're afraid of falling into the stereotype of being the emotional woman.
But is being seen as "crazy" by a stupid, sexist idiot really worse than being led on and getting your feelings deeply hurt?
No, no it's not. Because if a guy thinks I'm crazy for sharing how I'm feeling, he probably sucks, and I want nothing to do with him anyway.
It feels damn good.
Every second that passes that my crush doesn't know how I feel about him is a second too long.
My unsaid feelings suffocate me -- they make me feel like I'm hiding something, like I have this huge secret that I have to get out of my system right now or else I'll erupt.
I'm not generally an anxious person, but I actually feel crippling anxiety when I put off telling a guy how I feel about him.
Once the words finally come out, I feel so much lighter, happier, calmer. I almost don't even care how he responds (well, no, that's a lie -- I do care) because I'm just so happy to have gotten the thought out of my system.
I couldn't hold back if I tried.
And believe me, I have tried. Really damn hard. I just can't do it.
Whenever I try to play hard to get for longer than a time period that I allot in my head, I become so restless and tense.
I'm way too inquisitive to be okay with just NOT knowing something.
My friends have called me insane. They've told me I shouldn't push things, to just wait a second and enjoy the process of courtship, of "talking," of whatever the hell is happening between this guy and me.
But I'm impatient. If I like you, I like you, and goddammit I'm going to tell you.