My friend was rifling through my never-ending eyeliner collection, picking up a black and a bright teal.
“Can I use these?” she asked, cracking open their lids before getting my answer.
“Sure,” I responded, fixing my own lipstick.
It was a Friday night tradition. She always came over to my place — I have a better makeup collection — and we would get ready for a night of bar-hopping together.
“What about this Marc?” she asked, holding up a Marc Jacobs Velvet Noir mascara, one of my personal favorites.
I whipped around faster than the girl in "The Exorcist."
“Dude, no,” I said, perhaps more forcefully than I should’ve.
She gazed back at me, questioningly.
“Um, OK. Can I borrow this one?” she asked again, picking up a Covergirl mascara — also one I loved.
“No, dude. Here,” I got up and thrust an unopened Dior sample into her palm. “Keep it."
It wasn’t anything personal. I knew my friend wasn’t a germy cesspool of filth, but sharing mascaras is just a whole new level of gross I can’t get behind. Take my lipstick, take my foundation, but leave my mascara alone.
I’m not an asshole friend: I’m just really creeped out about sharing lash mites.
That’s right — lash mites.
If you’ve always wanted a pet but knew you didn’t have the time or energy to take care of one, you don’t have to worry — there are cute little buggies on your face right now.
Oh, and they’re probably f*cking.
Lash mites are all over your face, technically.
They’re about a third of a millimeter long and use their tiny mouths to munch on the sebum located at the base of your lashes. Yummy. Also, at night, they leave your hair follicles and slowly walk around on your skin, avoiding the light like tiny disgusting vampires.
Aren't they just so cute, though?
Half the population has them.
Your grandparents, co-workers, boss, that guy you just swiped left on on Tinder — they all probably have lash mites.
There are over 48,000 different species of mites. Around 65 can be classified under the category Demodex. For the record, "demo" and "dex" and the greek words for "lard" and "boring worms," according to National Geographic. Of the 65 species, just two of them Netflix and chill on your face.
Now you have a whole new way to insult that annoying co-worker:
“Well, you have mites! On your face!"
They don’t sh*t, but they do f*ck. Pleasant.
These weiner-looking things currently crawling all over your face live a pretty basic life. They don't smoke blunts, hit up the clubs or order Seamless. They also don’t poop.
Don’t worry, they’re not constipated little f*ckers. They’re just part of #TeamNoAnus. Cool, right?
They horny as f*ck, though, and bone on the rims of your hair follicles. It’s a pretty good time for all the ladies, too, because d*cks outnumber chicks three to one.
Here’s another gross little fact. The mites' penises and vulvae are located between their legs.
This makes me wonder if lash mite porn is just little legs going at it. I don’t know, but it's something to think about.
Spoiler alert: They literally do nothing.
Unless you’re allergic to the mites — and if you are, you would’ve known by now — you can live your entire life with them and not know. They cause you no harm, other than occasionally making your eyes itchy.
While they don’t necessarily do much to harm us, they do tend to like those with weaker immune systems -- namely, kids with leukemia and people with HIV. A higher than normal number of these little guys can cause things like rosacea, acne and inflamed eyelids.
But for the most part, they just eat, get fat and f*ck.
Mites: They’re just like us.