Dry spells get a bad rap. As somebody who spent a large proportion of her young life getting absolutely no action (I had both braces and a mullet for three-fourths of my high school experience), I think it's time I stick up for them.
Next time you're experiencing a sexual slump, chill the f*ck out and rejoice in these nine unexpected joys that come with dry spells:
Feeling total mental clarity
Sex is pleasurable to human beings because it releases a burst of dopamine in their brains.
You know what else increases your dopamine levels? Cocaine. Enjoy the sobriety that comes along with your dry spell.
Becoming aware of how much sex you could be having but actively choosing not to
Everybody could be having sex, I promise. No matter who you are, there is someone out there who would be more than glad to f*ck you.
When you're busy f*cking someone you're really into, you stop noticing all those randoms dying for a chance to get in your panties.
But, all it takes is one trip to a club filled with grimy douches trying to grind with you to remind you that this dry spell is a choice you actively made.
Getting plenty of sleep
Sex typically takes place during two time periods: late night and early morning. What do people who aren't having sex doing during these hours? Sleep, that's what.
Rejoice in the extra hours of blissful sleep you get when you don't have to worry about anyone trying to stick his dong inside you.
Nights stop revolving around guys and start revolving around friends
As mentioned before, sex releases a high very similar to that of cocaine. So, like most drug addicts, 90 percent of your sober time is spent trying to get high. When you're having sex, your night essentially revolves around having sex.
This can be very annoying for your friends who don't want to go to some dive bar downtown to meet up with the hipster poet you're currently f*cking.
As soon as you accept your dry spell, you remember how much fun just going out with your friends can be.
No need to shave unless you want to
An extra 10 minutes of weird uncomfortable yoga in the shower, only to be rewarded by three days of immensely unbearable razor burn, is a horrific punishment set against young, modern women by our society.
Nevertheless, we undergo this torture on a regular basis to make sure the guy we are currently banging never realizes that we may or may have just as much leg hair as he does.
Something magical happens during a dry spell, as you are suddenly freed from this awful burden.
The only purpose of shaving your legs in the winter months (when you can essentially keep the furry beasts covered up at absolutely all times) is because you feel like it.
Constant hope finding someone super sexy with whom to break it
When you're regularly having sex with someone, your night basically (and by basically, I mean absolutely) revolves around only one thing: him.
Where is he going? How do you casually convince all your friends to go there? This turn for the pathetic happens to even the best of us, but the minute your dry spell commences, something beautiful happens: FREEEEDOM!!!
Every night — no matter where you go — comes with the delicious hope of meeting someone new and exciting, with whom you can break your spell.
Total freedom to be yourself and do exactly what you want
People do weird sh*t when they try to impress each other. When do people try to impress each other the most? When they're trying to get laid.
Accept your dry spell and be comfortable in your own skin without having to convince some dude you really love the Packers. (What is that, baseball? Soccer? Who gives a sh*t?)
Constant jokes about your dry spell
Dry spell jokes are FUN. Take advantage of this unique opportunity to constantly make fun of your pitiful sex life with jokes like “You want to see a real desert? Spread my legs apart.” LOL!
Plenty of pent up energy to focus on something cool and exciting
Although I have to be honest here and concede that no activity will quite compare to regularly getting some, in terms of satisfaction, a dry spell gives you the golden chance to focus all of that pent-up energy into whatever your heart desires.
Whether it be work or underwater basket weaving, you've got plenty of time and energy to become f*cking awesome at something that has nothing to do with f*cking.